Wondering

With all this new turmoil we’ve been dealing with I don’t know where this leaves us with our M/s dynamic.

Wednesday we had a phone conversation about the whole issue around ZBoy’s narking incident just before I had to leave for work. He was a bit upset and was rather harsh on the phone. I didn’t take it well and hung up on him.

A little while later he called back and we talked some more. I was at Defcon 10 with my emotional upset and wasn’t very receptive to anything he had to say. At one point I told him I didn’t feel that my motherhood was respected by him and that I couldn’t be married to, or belong to, a man who didn’t respect that. I said some pretty hurtful things and I regret them now. Hindsight and all that, you know.

We didn’t speak to each other beyond the necessities Wednesday night when I got home from work. When we went to bed I wasn’t ready to talk but I wanted him to know I still loved him and that I wasn’t going anywhere so I reached out and laid my hand on his back. He reached back and rubbed my arm and then we fell asleep. I think that was one of the only nights either of us has ever woken up in the position we’ve fallen asleep in.

Last night we talked about our issues and we reconnected. But, we didn’t discuss the power exchange. It was obvious, when we went to bed, that he still expects me to obey. “You’re not the boss of me” isn’t a good reason to not comply when commanded to remove my panties. I guess he’s not accepting my “request” for release and he’s not choosing to release me. I’m glad he doesn’t take action as soon as I say something in the heat of the moment. I’m not very rational when I’m upset; my first instinct has always been to run away when things get difficult. As a teenager I’d run away physically, as an adult, mentally and emotionally. It’s really difficult for me to stay in the moment, to stay present and deal with it all like a rational adult. I’m still learning.

I’m probably over thinking things. The power exchange, even if we were to agree to drop it for the sake of our marriage, would still be present. It’s how we relate to one another. I had renewed symptoms of the UTI, that I’m still trying to get rid of, and I had to call him. I needed his input on what to do. I needed his permission to go to the doctor instead of going to work. Not because he requires it but because I needed it. I don’t know how to explain it without sounding like I’m co-dependent either. But, staying home from work is a big decision I lose almost 50 dollars by missing a night of work. I don’t feel comfortable making that sort of decision on my own unless I’m really feeling like I’m dying. There’s also a comfort issue, I feel comforted, validated when he agrees with me that I need stay home from work and see the doctor. I feel cared for.