Relating

I was going to just respond in comments to TJ but as I was typing I realized it was more of a post than a comment. *chuckles*

TJ said: "Though I am entirely too free spirited and inflexible to go into TPE with anyone, I think if you chose to do it, and be married, each TPE couple should agree to a 24hr period each month for the TPE to be called off and to just be a married couple. It gives everyone breathing room and a chance to be totally out of the norm. It helps refresh you, Him and you both learn to appreciate the TPE more each time. Over time you may not need it."

I think to an extent this can be true and can work for some folks. However, submission isn't something I am able to put on and take off at will, it's an integral part of who I am and how I relate to him. Actually, it's how I tend to relate to many "authority" figures. This fact was really brought home to me on Monday at work. My supervisor came around to the team asking each of us if we could maybe commit to come in earlier. (the new client we've just started taking calls for has a heavier call load than was expected) When she got to me I was torn. I wanted to say "Sure I can come in an hour earlier!" That submissive in me was dying to not disappoint her. It just happens to be the way I relate to dominant type people.

So, even if I weren't acting submissive to him, I'd still have all these feelings inside. I'd still be wondering, "Am I pleasing him?" I'd still be wanting to do things to please him.

In a TPE relationship, at least in this one, we can't just set aside the dynamic. It permeates every nook and cranny of our lives. It would be like trying to set aside my motherhood. I can't do it, I am a mom. Even when I'm out with friends or with Master, I'm still a mom and somewhere in the back of my mind, I'm thinking about the kids.

However, I wholeheartedly agree that we each need to do things that refresh us. Not that long ago we were doing a lot more playing and I don't mean SM. We were going out, spending time with friends, and just being adults together. That stopped when schedules and money got tighter. I think that's what folks are hearing when I'm writing. We've got a lot on our plates right now and we're both stressed and unhappy with that stress.

danae and jewels are right, there is an ebb and flow to every relationship, sometimes you click, sometimes you don't. When you don't you really miss the times when you do. Or at least, I really miss the times when we do click. So, we're stuck in a big ebb right now and could be for the next couple of years until I've finished school and can finally find a day job.