Remembering

I remember when I was pregnant with LMR, I knew she was the daughter I'd been waiting for. I'd picked her name when I was pregnant with her brother, ZBoy. I saw her name in a baby name book and fell in love with it. I knew I'd have a daughter and would give her that name. About two years later, I did just that.

Early in my pregnancy Alan wanted me to have an abortion. We were dirt poor, really didn't like each other, and already had one child to support. From the outside, not having more kids made a lot of sense. From where I was sitting, a very unrational place, I couldn't kill my daughter. I was a train wreck throughout my teenage years and into my early 20s. I was a train wreck when Alan met me, the more comfortable I got with him, the safer I felt with him, the more of the wreckage I allowed him to see. I'm not proud of who I was nor am I proud of some of the decisions I made. My thinking was distorted and I wasn't mentally healthy in any sense of the word.

But I'd chosen to keep LMR and he had no choice but to accept my decision, he was committed to his responsibilities.

She was LMR from birth. As a toddler she didn't see things the same way as the rest of us did. Things we thought were funny or cute she found annoying. One night in a restaurant, during a dinner with his family, she brandished a steak knife (I still don't know how or why she had one at that age) at her grandmother and said "I'm going to kill you." She was under the age of three. Around the same time at another family gathering a relative was oohing and ahhing over how cute she was and moved as if to stroke her hair and LMR pulled back and said "Don't touch me!"

But there were good times too, lying on my bed and giggling as I flew her through the air and gave her a silly superhero name. We did that a lot, she loved it. Snuggling on the couch for afternoon naps together. Finding her already awake in the mornings bouncing and smiling in her crib, lighting up the entire room with her megawatt smile when I walked into the room.

There are other good memories too, things that really spotlight her odd sense of humor, one she inherited from me. Two of her favorite cartoons now are Foamy and Mr. Salad Fingers. One of her loves is drawing and making ink dot pictures. She's truly talented.

Her JCO called me today, he collected some information from me and says he'll call me back when he knows more. There is so much good about this girl, so much good in her. I hate to see it thrown away because she's running from herself. I hate watching her make destructive choices in her life. I want to protect her. I tried to make her JCO understand my concern for her, I emphasized that I don't feel like she's safe or that she's making safe choices. I hope he takes that into consideration.

I want to stay home, close to the phone, so I know what's going on.

I want to thank everyone for the words of support and a special someone for reaching out to me. A pain shared is easier to bear than a pain felt all alone. I have faith that things will work out as they're supposed to. It's just difficult waiting for them to do so and feeling helpless against it all.