Dreaded Learning Experiences

So yesterday was awful, we got that right? It was all in my mind. There was never going to be a meeting. It was an attempt at a mindf*ck that went horribly wrong. Before anyone gets upset with Master for being an insensitive jerk, chill. Mindf*cks are one of his favorite things, he's very much into the psychological aspect of dominance and I knew this full well before accepting his collar. He's done similar things in the past and I've been perfectly okay with it. I definitely didn't react the way I did yesterday.

He had every reason to believe that I'd react the way I usually do, with a little interest and teasing him about his upcoming liaison.

I thought I'd been fully honest with him about my current emotional and mental state. Now I'm starting to wonder if I had been. Despite appearances to the contrary, he's not insensitive and takes great care to not harm me. So, I have to wonder if I haven't been giving him all the information he needs about me. That's something I need to think about and work on. Maybe I've been more closemouthed about my struggles than I realized. You can only imagine how shocked he was to see yesterday's reaction. He was upset that he'd caused me any pain.

I've whined about him not dominating me but last night I realized that I've made it next to impossible for him to do so. I've been operating in really high top space for quite some time now. There hasn't been much outward sign of that soft, submissive me.

He said something last night that is really sticking in my brain, he's had to change his thinking to adapt to me. It's true. I've been very demanding since I began work and until last night I hadn't really realized it. I've silently demanded that he back off when I'm tired. With a look I deny him sex when he says he wants it. When I deserved punishment I backed him off with a growly "I'm tired" as I crawled into bed and snugged the covers up around my shoulders.

I am SO not perfect and SO not the injured party here. So please don't cast me as such. What I am is badly behaved and way out of line.

Woulda, shoulda, coulda. There's a lot of that that could be thrown around right now but what it boils down to is the fact that I need to get back to basics.

I'm sorry Master.