Feeling

It feels like something vile is working its way up through my consciousness. Sort of like how a splinter will work its way out of your skin when it gets buried deep inside. I don't know what it is but it's sure making me cranky.

Every little thing feels like a personal slight, a personal insult, a testament to my failures. I'm extra-sensitive right now. Last night I came home from work and suddenly was in a horrible mood after having been in a good mood all night long. Frustration was eating at me. Frustration over the situation with LMR. I came home and became angry because Master didn't cook dinner the way I do, the way I like it. Selfish much? Yeah, that's me.

I did my best to swallow the angry feelings and keep them from ruining the rest of the evening. I think I was successful, only Master could say for certain.

Then this morning I watched Finding Neverland (good movie that) and ended up sobbing with great huge tears rolling down my cheeks from midway through til the end and even after. It took some time for those tears to stop. Good grief. Something is working its way out of me and I don't know what it is.

Then I get an e-mail that Master had written me, last night I think, that totally blindsided me. He'd been planning something with someone else and only just now told me about it. I felt hurt by it. I felt left out. I felt abandoned almost. He's planning to be gone Friday evening. I'll come home to the kids and no Master. He'll likely not have need of me Friday night. It makes me a little angry. Friday night is the first night of the week that we actually have all the time we want to spend together. We only get two nights a week that we have that much time. Those nights are precious to me. I guess I see things a lot differently than he does. But, it's all a moot point really. I'm his slave, he's the Master. I don't have to like that he's making plans but he has every right to make them. It's what I agreed to.

It's just not easy to sublimate the wife's reactions to what the slave agreed to.

So, I'm working through whatever it is that's working its way out of me and trying to be a good slave. If only it were as easy as it is in books. Gah!