Sunshiney Day

Well, okay it's not really sunshiney out, more like partly cloudy really but I'm feeling a lot more positive today. Master read my thoughts, read the e-mails I sent him where I poured my guts out, and we're making strides to reclaim our intimacy. It's been a good week so far, despite the lovely head cold I seem to have come down with.

However, this weekend will be tough, he's working the entire weekend, including Monday, and I'm going to visit the Tribe for the weekend. It'll feel strange being there without him but I really do need to get out for a bit, get away from home and get out of my usual stuck-in-a-rut routine. It's hard though, I want to be here for him, to greet him when he gets home from work, to just be with him even if all we're doing is sleeping in bed together.

My classes start up again Tuesday and I'm both excited about and dreading them. I'm as prepared as I'm going to be, the books are ordered and should be here by Wednesday at the latest. It's going to be a grueling schedule on Tuesdays and Thursdays, I will leave here by 8 a.m. and won't get home again until 8:30 p.m. I don't know how I'll cope yet, I'm going to have to figure out a way to bring lunches with me because eating in the cafeteria twice a week just doesn't seem practical. I have a lot of concerns about this term but I'm trying to take everything one day, and sometimes one moment, at a time. It'll all be worth it in the end, it has to be. It's do or die right now, either I do it and make it through these next two terms or I quit school and content myself with working customer service the rest of my life. Since I really, really, hate customer service work, quitting school isn't an option for me.

My surgeon's office isn't far from the auditorium where the college holds their commencement ceremonies. On Tuesday, while visiting the surgeon, I was in a room that had a view of that auditorium. While I waited for the surgeon to come in I stared out the window at the auditorium thinking, "Next year, we'll be there, I'll be graduating". That's what's motivating me now. Graduation, it's the prize that I'm bound and determined to win. I can't wait to walk that stage with my friends and loved ones watching and cheering me on.

Knocking on Depression's Door

It's been a difficult year and an even more difficult few months.

I found out yesterday that the lump under the incision site, or alien as I've come to call it, is normal. The doctor assures me that it will soften in time and will stop hurting. At this point all I have is his word and I have to trust that he knows what he's talking about. He didn't seem surprised by the alien nor by the pain so that's a point in favor of trusting him.

Until it does soften and finish healing I'm stuck wearing stretchy exercise type pants that don't squeeze my belly. I can't wait til I can wear "real" pants again.

I've been struggling a LOT with my slavery, with myself, with my life. I'm worn out, rubbed raw, vulnerable. I don't feel like a woman right now and I'm fighting to get that back but it's hard to do on my own. I need people to treat me like a woman, I need to feel wanted, desirable.

It feels like Master and I have lost a lot of the intimacy we once had. My working evenings has really created distance between us. Sex during the week consists mainly of me giving him an orgasm when he's not too tired to ask for it and when I don't demure because I'm feeling pissy because he doesn't want to f*ck me. Sex on the weekends is hit or miss, sometimes it's good, sometimes it's not, and sometimes it starts out good but fizzles out for one reason or another. It's no one's fault. It's what happens when two people who need to interact the way we do are forced to interact as independent entities due to circumstances. That's my theory anyway.

Instead of getting closer, leaning on each other, it feels like we've withdrawn into ourselves. Or maybe it's just me. I know I've pulled back, I haven't been telling Master everything that's been bothering me. Instead I've been trying to just cope, to gut it out. I'm almost done with school, I can do this and I'm the one that created this situation anyway so I shouldn't whine about it.

This isn't a complaint about the way he wants to have sex, it's his right and one that I've acknowledged and consented to as his slave. I'm just struggling with it, as I'm struggling with everything else.

It's just a jumble of thoughts and feelings that need to get out in print instead of meandering around in my head. I'm trying to make peace with it all, trying to reclaim what I had, what I still want.

I Owe, I owe, it's back to work I go!

Today marks two weeks exactly from surgery and I'm feeling better. Well enough to go to work. Well, I'm going back to work whether I feel up to it or not but today I feel peppier than I have been feeling. I was feeling so peppy I did a load of dishes, a couple of loads of laundry and scrubbed the shower walls. I'm definitely feeling more like my old self. Now if that lump would just go away I'd be happy. If it's still there next week I'll have something to talk to the surgeon about. Hopefully it's something that will go away and sooner rather than later.

Beginning next week Master and I are going to do a sugar/sweets detox. I'm looking forward to it and dreading it at the same time. I'm such a sugar addict that it's going to be hard to give it up. Thankfully we'll still have dessert every now and then, it'll just be low cal/low fat stuff. We've been out of control for the past few months with the sweets. With all the crap that's been going on neither of us has really put much effort into watching what we eat. It's so easy to just not care and let loose when life gets stressful. I'm going to talk to my sister about joining her on her walks a couple of times a week too. I need to get into better shape but I'm not ready to go nuts with the exercise right now. I'm still easily tired and I still get belly aches if I do too much.

I had a really nice Mother's Day, Master and the kids really did their best to make it so. He and HRS cooked breakfast for the family and he bought my very favorite Tropicana orange juice to have with breakfast. When we went shopping to get gifts for our mothers he and HRS tried to be sneaky and bought me a lovely little lemon bar scented candle that smells absolutely delicious. Then we went out to dinner, just Master, HRS, and me. It was fun, we usually do have a lot of fun together.

I'm going to miss spending time with my family. I miss being here to help Master with the cooking and getting the kids to and from wherever they need to go. I'm so glad I'm nearly finished with school. Not much longer now right?

Sometimes it just plain sucks

Sometimes being a slave isn't much fun. Especially when there's something you want to do and Master puts his foot down. It's for my own good, I know that but it's still disappointing.

There's an Asian festival tomorrow (Saturday) that I really, really, really, wanted to go to. It celebrates Asian cultures, Japanese among them, and there were displays and shows that I was really excited about seeing. But, Master is right, it'd probably be too much for me and since I'm going back to work Monday I need to take it easy so I'm able.

However; knowing that doesn't make it any easier to accept, especially when you've been either sick, sore, or recovering from something for the past month and a half and you've been cooped up at home nearly the entire time. I've got cabin fever and no way out. Sometimes I feel like I'm imprisoned here by my own body, my own health (or lack thereof) and it's driving me absolutely bonkers. It doesn't matter that my prison is comfortable and has all the amenities, a prison is still a prison.

He's not being a bad guy and he's not being mean or even arbitrary, he's following rule #1. Take care of the property. He's got a lot more sense than I have. I'd attempt to go, if it were up to me, and suffer the consequences later. And of course later I'd be cursing my stupidity.

So, I sit here and try to find things to entertain myself. Maybe he'll allow a short trip to the craft store so I can pick up a few items to work on my latest craft obsession, decorative hair sticks. That would be lovely, I haven't had the time to do craftwork for quite a while and it really fills me with a sense of peace when I'm creating something. Plus, I'd have some pretty things to put my hair up with and that's always a bonus.

Good Days

Today is one of my better days. I'm feeling a bit peppier and a bit less sore than I was yesterday. I still get worn out fairly easily, that will take time to improve I'm sure, but I'm feeling more, hrm.. energetic? I cleaned the tub today and shaved my legs before having a nice shower. I think having my legs shaved is helping my attitude believe it or not. And maybe in another week I can go back to my usual "shave everything below the neck" routine and will feel even better.

Last night Master decided to give us both a bit of pleasure and gave me my first orgasm in about a month. It took a bit of work to not think about the belly lump and I had to force myself to not even look down for fear of glancing at it and the negative feelings starting. It's really affecting my self-image quite a bit. It feels to me like a huge blinking sign on an area of my body that I already dislike.

It was nice to reconnect with Master last night. I've missed it quite a bit. I don't know why but when sex is suspended due to illness, or surgery, I tend to feel like I've lost my sexuality and once sex is resumed it's like a symbol that all is well and "normal".

I'm feeling ready to get out and DO something. But, I was being a bit overly ambitious yesterday when I suggested we go to a festival being held tomorrow. Master pointed out that it would involve a whole lot of walking and standing, both things that still take it out of me. So, no festival. But, maybe there's still something we can find to do. I just need to get back to living in short order.

Healing

I haven't had a lot to say lately. Mostly I've been sitting around quietly moldering while reading books I have checked out from the library. I'm healing, it seems to be going fairly well. I'm fine if I don't do too much. Too much includes 20 minute trips to the store right now.

I'm sore and not inclined to go for long hikes. I'm alternately sleeping a lot and not sleeping well. So goes the healing process.

I finished spring term with Bs, I'm really pleased about that. Of course my perfectionist side is saying I could have done better, but I'll take a B over a C any day.

There's not much to say about the M/s side of things right now, Master is still stressed about work and I'm not exactly in working order. I've been serving him some, as much as I'm able and sometimes a little more just because.

I'm dying for a little sexual connection, it feels like we're living in a suspended reality where everything is the same but not quite. Sudden illness and surgery will do that to a relationship. Up until yesterday morning I hadn't had any real sexual desire. Then it all began with a very strange dream. In the dream Master was cruel, treated me like a boy complete with sex in the way males have sex with each other, he used me without regard to my desires. It was the hottest "wet dream", minus the orgasm, I've had in quite a while. I don't know why but being used for his pleasure, even cruelly, pushes my buttons. When I woke up from the dream it was almost as if it had really happened, it felt as if he'd really been inside me and I was wet with arousal.

But, here back in suspended reality world, I convalesce and do my best to help him relax away from the stresses of work, share his indignation at the b.s. going on there, and try to be as useful as I can since I'm off work til next week.

Time On My Hands

Since the surgery I've had nothing but time. Time to sleep, time to think, time to read, time to go nuts with inactivity.

It's interesting that whenever I have nothing else to focus on my attention reverts to my slavery and ways to improve my service and how deeply I feel my position.

Yesterday I spent time at the Butchmann's Academy web site reading about their weekend intensives. Some of the universal protocol for all s-types, while attending Butchmann's, is very appealing to me. So appealing that I've asked Master and the rest of our Tribe about hosting a play party that would include more formal protocol between s-types and d-types. Do I think Master and I could live a more formal style of M/s? Not really, we're very informal people but to quote Master, "It's nice to visit that place every now and then" and I'm really craving a visit.

I've been giving some thought to giving a little bit of control back to M, going back to more of a power exchange relationship with him than the equal relationship we've had for a while now. I don't know if I will or if I can. Can I trust him this time? Will he dent my trust again or will he keep the open communication with me that we've had for the past month or so? Maybe we'll start slow, with baby steps.

I'm willing to go back to the way we used to do things, the ritual we'd do before we played, wearing his collar while with him. I might even be willing to wear his bracelet again, provided Master is OK with it. I feel a very strong need to submit and to serve right now. Maybe it's due, in part, to feeling out of control regarding my health. When this feeling comes over me it tends to encompass all the people in my life. I want to serve them all to the best of my ability. Actually, it makes me want to do nothing but serve them. Sometimes daily life puts a cramp in my lifestyle.

But, I'm trying to be a little more conscious of my behavior and not letting my disappointment at not being able to do this, or go to that party, affect my behavior or moods. I know I had a little bit of a pout earlier when Master told me we wouldn't be able to attend a play party at the end of this month and I'm sorry I did it. I'm trying to jolly myself up, maybe when I'm feeling better we can send the kids to a movie and have some play time here at home. If not, there's still the formal protocol party to plan and look forward to as long as the rest of the Tribe are amenable to the idea.

Home Again, Home Again, Jiggety Jig

Well, it's been interesting around here. Yesterday morning I woke up with terrible lower abdominal pain and a low grade fever. After about an hour and a half of waiting to see if I was going to feel better, I called Master who ordered me to get LMR out of bed and have her drive me to the urgent care clinic ASAP.

I was thinking it was something to do with the ablation, he was thinking appendix. So, we got to the clinic, waited a half hour to get in to be seen (not bad really for walk-in), then spent an hour in the room waiting for the doc to decide what was wrong. After she found that my white count was high she sent me to the ER to see a surgeon and possibly have a CT scan to get a look at my insides. We got to the ER at about 11 a.m. and saw the surgical resident who seemed sure that it was my appendix. We, LMR and I, sat there for a good long while waiting for the attending surgeon to arrive and examine me. Despite being unable to pinpoint an exact location for my belly pain the attending surgeon decided it was definitely my appendix and said they'd work me in for an emergency appendectomy.

Master arrived at around 1 something in the afternoon, he and LMR ran home so she could be here to do her thing and so he could get cleaned up and come back to be with me.

Finally, around 6 p.m. they got me in for surgery. Master says the surgeon told him my appendix was "hot" and further explained that it was inflamed and definitely *had* to come out. Luckily it hadn't burst and I'm glad I did go to the doctor as quickly as I did.

When they wheeled me out of recovery Master and m'Lady were there waiting for me and sat with me once the nurses got me settled. It was nice to have them there with me, comforting.

I spent a very miserable night in the hospital. It was a laparoscopic procedure but still hurts like mad. But, I was a game and managed to sit up on the side of my bed for a few minutes and even stand, then a few hours later, got up and went for a mini-walk. Today I'm feeling better, though still sore and moving very slow. I'm at home now and very happy to be so. Never, ever go to a hospital if you want to sleep. *wry grins*

It was a scary experience and the seriousness of it didn't really hit me until after I called HRS to talk with her before they took me to surgery. I wanted to talk to her so that I could tell her I loved her, just in case. I'd already spoken to LMR and ZBoy and told them I loved them. I didn't want something to go wrong and have my last conversation with HRS to have been my shooing her out the door for school.

I've never really had "emergency" surgery. I don't like being sick like that, for the record I don't want to have another surgery for a long, long, long, loooooong time. Experiences like this that really put life into perspective. I'm very thankful to be alive and on the mend and thankful I have such a wonderful Master who is taking such good care of me. He's been very good to me, making sure I don't over do things and insisting that I rest.

So, I'm working on healing, again and am hoping beyond hope that this is the last surgery I have, at least for this year. A surgery a month is WAY too much if you ask me.