Time On My Hands

Since the surgery I've had nothing but time. Time to sleep, time to think, time to read, time to go nuts with inactivity.

It's interesting that whenever I have nothing else to focus on my attention reverts to my slavery and ways to improve my service and how deeply I feel my position.

Yesterday I spent time at the Butchmann's Academy web site reading about their weekend intensives. Some of the universal protocol for all s-types, while attending Butchmann's, is very appealing to me. So appealing that I've asked Master and the rest of our Tribe about hosting a play party that would include more formal protocol between s-types and d-types. Do I think Master and I could live a more formal style of M/s? Not really, we're very informal people but to quote Master, "It's nice to visit that place every now and then" and I'm really craving a visit.

I've been giving some thought to giving a little bit of control back to M, going back to more of a power exchange relationship with him than the equal relationship we've had for a while now. I don't know if I will or if I can. Can I trust him this time? Will he dent my trust again or will he keep the open communication with me that we've had for the past month or so? Maybe we'll start slow, with baby steps.

I'm willing to go back to the way we used to do things, the ritual we'd do before we played, wearing his collar while with him. I might even be willing to wear his bracelet again, provided Master is OK with it. I feel a very strong need to submit and to serve right now. Maybe it's due, in part, to feeling out of control regarding my health. When this feeling comes over me it tends to encompass all the people in my life. I want to serve them all to the best of my ability. Actually, it makes me want to do nothing but serve them. Sometimes daily life puts a cramp in my lifestyle.

But, I'm trying to be a little more conscious of my behavior and not letting my disappointment at not being able to do this, or go to that party, affect my behavior or moods. I know I had a little bit of a pout earlier when Master told me we wouldn't be able to attend a play party at the end of this month and I'm sorry I did it. I'm trying to jolly myself up, maybe when I'm feeling better we can send the kids to a movie and have some play time here at home. If not, there's still the formal protocol party to plan and look forward to as long as the rest of the Tribe are amenable to the idea.