Well, I finally have my answer. The procedure in March didn't work like I'd thought/hoped. The evil monthly fairy is back. I'm pretty upset about it right now. I feel like my only option is to just live with it again like I've done for most of my adult life. We can't afford another procedure and I'm so leery of messing with my hormones by using BC to manage my periods and keep the polyps at bay.
I guess today was the perfect day for this to happen, it's storming outside, it matches how I feel inside.
WHY did I let myself get my hopes up? I knew better, I really did. I'd read enough failure stories on the ablation discussion board to know that my chances of being bloodless were slim. Yet, as April saw only spotting and May came and went with nothing and then June seemed like the same scenario, I got confident that I was going to be bloodless.
Well, this sucks and I'm not happy.
Friday, June 30, 2006
Thursday, June 29, 2006
Good Times
It all started earlier this week. I went for my first walk Tuesday. I took HRS for a drag (that's going for a walk under protest) with me and we had fun. It was a short walk as these things go but it was enough to make me breathe a little harder and break a little sweat. I felt energized after the walk and, horny!
Yesterday I had a day off from work for a follow-up with the GYN regarding the surgery in March. So far so good, we're doing a progestin challenge next week to see just how effective the surgery was. Excepting April I've been bloodless and that wasn't even what I'd call a period. Yeah, I know, gory details, sorry. I'm not terribly excited about taking the hormones, half afraid that I'll start bleeding, and half afraid the hormones will make me insane.
Last night Master and I were getting friendly on the couch, getting each other quite aroused with covert teasing. Then I had to go pick up LMR and things went a little south after that. When I got home Master was waiting in the bedroom for me and we tried to rekindle the feelings we had earlier but were finding it very difficult. LMR was shouting at HRS in the hallway and we were both a little stressed over the way my car's breaks are behaving. So, we decided to give up and call it a night, we crawled into bed and settled in for the night. I picked up my book and started reading trying really hard not to let myself get angry over my frustration. I was so eager for some good sex with him and then the mood just kind of evaporated in the wind, yet I was still very aroused.
Well, it didn't take long for my hands to start wandering over him. It started out innocently enough, I stroked his arm, rubbed his belly, and well, then my hand traveled a bit lower and he made some happy sounds which encouraged me to do a little teasing. Light touches just near his groin but not quite touching anything. Then he started teasing me and by the time he started biting my neck and shoulder I was done for. We fooled around for a bit just getting each other worked up and then I turned out the light. I don't know why but I feel less inhibited when I'm that aroused and the lights are out. It's weird because I'm not a strictly "Turn out the lights before I'll get nekkid" kind of gal. But, in the dark, it feels more erotic, more something that I can't quite put words to. He did oblige me with some light breath play which thrilled me no end and only served to wind my crank that much tighter. He's my favorite lover, it's like we're built for each other, made to fit together just right.
Today was a good day too. I played hookie from class this morning, I was exhausted and needed more sleep. Yeah I know, bad girl. So spank me. I had to visit another one of my doctors for something else which turned out to be A-OK and I got home early enough to take HRS for a swim. We were only there for about a half an hour but it was great. It felt SO good to swim and even just walk around in the pool. The water supports some of my weight and takes some of the stress off my back which gives me some totally pain free time. HRS and I love to swim together and today was our first swim of the summer. I plan to take her for a swim tomorrow too and I hope m'Lady might join us but if she doesn't that's fine, we'll still swim and we'll still have fun.
And now, I'm off to work for the evening and I really don't mind. The swim really helped relax me. Why do I always forget how good I feel after getting some exercise and put off doing it again for such a long time?
Yesterday I had a day off from work for a follow-up with the GYN regarding the surgery in March. So far so good, we're doing a progestin challenge next week to see just how effective the surgery was. Excepting April I've been bloodless and that wasn't even what I'd call a period. Yeah, I know, gory details, sorry. I'm not terribly excited about taking the hormones, half afraid that I'll start bleeding, and half afraid the hormones will make me insane.
Last night Master and I were getting friendly on the couch, getting each other quite aroused with covert teasing. Then I had to go pick up LMR and things went a little south after that. When I got home Master was waiting in the bedroom for me and we tried to rekindle the feelings we had earlier but were finding it very difficult. LMR was shouting at HRS in the hallway and we were both a little stressed over the way my car's breaks are behaving. So, we decided to give up and call it a night, we crawled into bed and settled in for the night. I picked up my book and started reading trying really hard not to let myself get angry over my frustration. I was so eager for some good sex with him and then the mood just kind of evaporated in the wind, yet I was still very aroused.
Well, it didn't take long for my hands to start wandering over him. It started out innocently enough, I stroked his arm, rubbed his belly, and well, then my hand traveled a bit lower and he made some happy sounds which encouraged me to do a little teasing. Light touches just near his groin but not quite touching anything. Then he started teasing me and by the time he started biting my neck and shoulder I was done for. We fooled around for a bit just getting each other worked up and then I turned out the light. I don't know why but I feel less inhibited when I'm that aroused and the lights are out. It's weird because I'm not a strictly "Turn out the lights before I'll get nekkid" kind of gal. But, in the dark, it feels more erotic, more something that I can't quite put words to. He did oblige me with some light breath play which thrilled me no end and only served to wind my crank that much tighter. He's my favorite lover, it's like we're built for each other, made to fit together just right.
Today was a good day too. I played hookie from class this morning, I was exhausted and needed more sleep. Yeah I know, bad girl. So spank me. I had to visit another one of my doctors for something else which turned out to be A-OK and I got home early enough to take HRS for a swim. We were only there for about a half an hour but it was great. It felt SO good to swim and even just walk around in the pool. The water supports some of my weight and takes some of the stress off my back which gives me some totally pain free time. HRS and I love to swim together and today was our first swim of the summer. I plan to take her for a swim tomorrow too and I hope m'Lady might join us but if she doesn't that's fine, we'll still swim and we'll still have fun.
And now, I'm off to work for the evening and I really don't mind. The swim really helped relax me. Why do I always forget how good I feel after getting some exercise and put off doing it again for such a long time?
Saturday, June 17, 2006
It's The Simple Things
I feel at peace this morning, calm, happy, and relaxed. I know I have homework to do yet today but it feels as if there is plenty of time for it. I don't feel rushed, harried, or frenzied. I'm alone in the house and it feels good. I took time to do the sinks full of dishes, I feel accomplished. One less task for Master to do.
Master and the offspring are off to his company picnic, I could have gone, he wished me to, but he also knew I'd be uncomfortable (physically) and out of place. Hard benches and lots of standing do not make for a fun-to-play-with-later-slave. I have nothing in common with the people he works with and he's assured me that if ever the women at the gathering saw me they'd glom onto me wanting all the juicy little details I could give them about him. Not a fun position for me, who abhors the usual male-bashing gossip-swapping that a lot of women participate in. This is why I don't socialize with many women. I tried in the past to socialize with the wives of Master's co-workers and it was horrible and was definitely enough to put me off of their type forever. Maybe I'm just socially inept because if I have nothing to contribute to a certain discussion I don't say anything at all. I'm not good at making small talk so I don't try.
I'm not too proud to say that I'm uncomfortable with meeting strangers looking as I do. Yes, yes, still insecure. I'm working at changing things but not very hard just now. I don't want them to see me as his "fat wife" and yes, that's probably just something in my head, it still bothers me.
So now to school work and a presentation/report on carpal tunnel syndrome. I hope I can stay awake while writing it. *laughing*
Wednesday, June 14, 2006
Not Much to Say
I'll bet everyone thought I'd dropped off the face of the Earth eh? Well the truth of it is, I'm being swallowed up by the homework monster. It seems like any free time I have is being spent doing homework, reading textbooks, working, or sleeping. Tuesdays and Thursdays are long days indeed.
Last week Master and I took a personal day from our respective jobs and just spent some much needed quality time together. We're definitely making more effort to do that lately and I think it has helped each of us feel less like we're alone in this. I live for the weekends and I think he does too.
I think it's going to be a while yet before we're able to resume the level of M/s that we both want. I've got to finish school first. I've finally come to a place of acceptance about it, today anyway. I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss it but I'm so close to being finished now, I can cope. We both still know who is in charge, I still defer to him, and we still have our little rituals, these things sustain us through this time.
As far as school goes I'm doing pretty well at keeping up with it and I'm not doing too badly this term thus far. I'm not struggling with the subjects, some things that didn't quite jive last term are beginning to make a lot of sense now. It helps when you have an instructor that knows her subject well.
Unfortunately, I think I'm hitting my limit with customer service work. I've about had my fill of being the verbal punching bag for multitudes of strangers who just want to yell at someone and figure that I'll do. I realize it's not personal, or it shouldn't be, but after they start making personal attacks, it becomes personal and it really gets under my skin. After a time it's just stress. I dread going to work, I hate it the whole time I'm there, and I watch the clock for quitting time. I'm not cut out for this kind of work, too sensitive I guess.
Next time you're unhappy with something, stop and think before you let loose on the customer service representative. That person doesn't make policy, that person doesn't make decisions about the way business is done and they do have set parameters they're allowed to work within, all that person does is help you with your account and answers your questions. That's it. So, next time you feel justified in reaming the CSR, keep that in mind and bite your tongue. We're people too and we don't deserve to be cursed at, verbally attacked, threatened, or to have our personal integrity called into question. We're just doing our jobs so we can make a living just like everyone else.
Last week Master and I took a personal day from our respective jobs and just spent some much needed quality time together. We're definitely making more effort to do that lately and I think it has helped each of us feel less like we're alone in this. I live for the weekends and I think he does too.
I think it's going to be a while yet before we're able to resume the level of M/s that we both want. I've got to finish school first. I've finally come to a place of acceptance about it, today anyway. I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss it but I'm so close to being finished now, I can cope. We both still know who is in charge, I still defer to him, and we still have our little rituals, these things sustain us through this time.
As far as school goes I'm doing pretty well at keeping up with it and I'm not doing too badly this term thus far. I'm not struggling with the subjects, some things that didn't quite jive last term are beginning to make a lot of sense now. It helps when you have an instructor that knows her subject well.
Unfortunately, I think I'm hitting my limit with customer service work. I've about had my fill of being the verbal punching bag for multitudes of strangers who just want to yell at someone and figure that I'll do. I realize it's not personal, or it shouldn't be, but after they start making personal attacks, it becomes personal and it really gets under my skin. After a time it's just stress. I dread going to work, I hate it the whole time I'm there, and I watch the clock for quitting time. I'm not cut out for this kind of work, too sensitive I guess.
Next time you're unhappy with something, stop and think before you let loose on the customer service representative. That person doesn't make policy, that person doesn't make decisions about the way business is done and they do have set parameters they're allowed to work within, all that person does is help you with your account and answers your questions. That's it. So, next time you feel justified in reaming the CSR, keep that in mind and bite your tongue. We're people too and we don't deserve to be cursed at, verbally attacked, threatened, or to have our personal integrity called into question. We're just doing our jobs so we can make a living just like everyone else.
Sunday, June 04, 2006
Busyness
Summer term started this week and wow, busy, busy, busy is the word of the day, of the week, of the next two months. I thought I'd have it easy with the online class. I thought wrong. Loads of reading, mandatory discussion board participation, reports to write, and PowerPoint presentations to create. I'll be SO happy when this term is over. I barely have time to check my regular e-mail right now, forget e-mail lists, blogging is going to be down to once a week, if that. I do need to start scheduling time for exercise, I think it'll help with the energy issue that I seem to be running into; I don't have much of it.
As busy as I was I discovered something this week. I dislike pubic hair on myself, I almost feel ugly when I haven't done my usual shaving. I made time to groom myself on Friday and since then I've felt sexier. I find it kind of ironic because just a few years ago I hated shaving my pubic hair, I itched, it was uncomfortable, felt so self-conscious about it, I thought it looked awful. Master's insistence on my being bare has given me one less thing to hide behind. It seems like every time I turn around something that I once hid behind has been taken from me and it's not the negative thing I might have once felt it to be.
So there's my bit of introspection.. it isn't earth shattering or anything like that but it is important nonetheless. I'll never be a finished product, I don't think any of us will be, but I'm looking forward to see what I am the next time I stop and look back at what I was.
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