Long Time No Type

We had such a good day today, with a surprise drop-in from Master, he was supposed to work until 7 this evening but he decided to take off early. The girls and I had planned to put the tree up and decorate it today and since he was home early, before we'd even begun, he sprawled on the couch and watched us. It was good, having him there, sharing that moment with him and with the girls. I had my Christmas CDs playing and I sang along with the tunes as we decorated the tree, every now and then I'd glance over at him and we'd share a smile. We're both moving through our grief, sometimes getting mired in it but still trying to move forward. Hopefully the good days will outnumber the bad days soon.

Most of the time I'm okay but sadness sneaks up on me like the tide rolling in, it comes in, sweeps over me, and ebbs again, leaving me drenched in it. Just as I get dried off it comes again, and again. I can't watch my once favorite TV shows anymore, forensic crime shows I loved but after living it, they're just triggers of things better left unthought.

Sometimes I think I might be depressed but I'm not ready yet to accept that as a viable truth. Mostly I'm just grieving in bits and pieces, when I'm alone. It seems to be my way.

I wanted catharsis but I wasn't able to get it so it all seems to stay locked inside me except for the little leaks, I'm not sure how to let it out now. It's not societally acceptable to break out in tears whenever the urge comes on you know. So I bite them back, breathe deeply, and force my thoughts in a different direction when I'm able. Sometimes I can almost convince myself that it was just a bad dream, not real. Then I remember, I remember how he died, the violence of it, I picture the scene as it must have been, then I flash on him in his casket, Master patting his chest, soothing, consoling, trying to convince himself of the reality of it. It aches and no medication in the world can ease it. It's a wound that has to heal on its own, in its own time. I just wish I could get rid of the mental pictures, unknow the things I know.

I got the job I interviewed for the day his brother was found. It seems strange to me, to have this positive thing happen at the same time as this horrible thing. Once the initial excitement of being offered the job wore off I started having a hard time feeling happy about having a new job. I'm not looking forward to learning something new, I'm looking forward to making more money and having better benefits. It doesn't much matter right now what I do for a living, I'm not really there, I'm not really involved. So, in two weeks I start a new job, another ending and another beginning. Life is filled with them and it seems to me that the beginnings will always be somewhat darkened by the endings and maybe that's how it should be. It makes one more mindful that in order for one thing to begin another must end. The old makes way for the new, but one should never forget the old, the old paved the way, helped to shape the future you.

I don't know what the future holds, I'm almost scared to find out. Call me cautious, experience has made me so. I know I've done good though, in getting the new job. I've eased Master's stress in securing a job that can support me and our youngest child should something happen to him. So, if nothing else, that is a bright spot. Once I start earning money at the new job I will ease more of his stress; another bright spot. I'm trying to skip from bright spot to bright spot, focusing on them instead of the sadness that lurks in the corner.

When I let myself I do feel somewhat proud of myself, this is my first "grown-up" job. It's the first job I'll have had that pays enough, with excellent benefits, to allow me to be independent should I need to be. I don't quite know how I feel about that. I know I'm awfully old to be having this experience but I did things a little backwards, having a family first and being a stay-at-home mom. Now I'm venturing out beyond a part-time job just to supplement Master's income. Instead I'm going to be a sizeable contributor to the household income in my own right. I've never been financially independent, ever.

So yeah, lots of changes to cope with. Not so happy with some of them but kicking and screaming doesn't seem to be changing anything so I just hang on and go along for the ride.

Devastating

You know, over the past year I've gotten some heart rending calls at work from widowers and widows calling to let us know their husband or wife has died so we'll stop sending mail in their name. One customer sticks with me to this day. It was an older gentleman, his wife had recently died and as is typical at the end of a call I asked him if there was anything else I could help him with. "Tell me how to mend a broken family" he said. My voice caught as emotions clogged my throat. My only response was "I wish I could Sir, I wish I could." I went on to tell him to take care and try to have a good evening and ended the call. I had to sit there for a few moments afterwards breathing, trying to stop the tears that threatened to pour out if given half the chance.

How do you mend a broken family? How do you heal after such devastation as we've had this past week? How are you supposed to feel when a loved one is murdered? Anger would be the easiest thing to feel but I don't, neither does Master. I think we're still in shock, still trying to make sense of it, and still trying to accept that this is real and not a bad dream. Right now it just feels like he's not there, you know, somewhere else but still alive. There were many family gatherings that he didn't attend for one reason or the other. There was the semester he spent studying in Italy, and that's how it feels right now; like he's just traveling somewhere to return at a later date. Tomorrow night will be the worst, tomorrow night the surreal will become real. We'll have the private family viewing and then it will hit us all that he's gone, he's not coming back, it really did happen. Until then we're all trying to hold on as best we can. Many of us are well-medicated due to panic and anxiety attacks, including yours truly.

I thought I was doing well, I thought I had a handle on it. But when I'm alone or when we're with the family the panic hits and I just want to run. Run to where, I don't know, I just need to run away. Away from all this grief, away from the mental images I have of him lying there alone, dying. Just away. Sometimes ignorance would be bliss, it'd be orgasmic. I hate having the medical and forensic knowledge I have right now, I hate knowing exactly why we have to have a closed casket funeral for the public. I guess I've found my anger, I hate the necessity of it. WHY did he have to shoot him there? WHY!? Why did he have to shoot him at all?! It's not fair. It's not right. It's just such a waste of life, a waste of a life, both lives.

I guess you never realize what a gift life really is until you're faced with such a loss. Lady protect us, Lady guide us, hold us in your arms and comfort us. Gods know I'm trying to see the lesson in all of this, the reason. I have my moments of clarity, when I can see the good he's done, he's brought us all together, he's reunited estranged family members, he's facilitated healing. We're going to honor that gift by continuing that healing and staying united with the family.

Still, it hurts and my hurt is nothing in comparison to Master's. He's lost his little brother, his youngest brother, and he's watching his mother die just a little bit. Each child a mother holds dear but the youngest is her heart. I put myself in her shoes and I know I'd die if any of my children were taken from me but doubly so if I lost my youngest. I can't even contemplate it without crying so I shy away from it.

Later, when I'm ready, I'm going to post a tribute to Master's youngest brother, a memorial of my own. In my own way I will honor him and celebrate his life. I cannot speak as Master has been able to, my emotions choke me and I can't get the words out. But I can write so that is what I will do.

I thank each and every one of you for your kind words and support, it means the world to me and to Master. I share everything that is sent to me with him and he asks me to pass along his thanks with my own.

On Hiatus

Due to unimaginable circumstances I'm taking a short break from blogging publicly. The things I have to write about right now are too private, too raw, to share just yet. I don't know if I will ever share here, that will be up to Master as it's more his loss than mine.

Life is a gift, celebrate it, enjoy it, and don't put anything off until tomorrow. Tomorrow never comes.

Are You Sure That's Mine?

That's the thought that runs through my head every time I look at that picture of my butt that I posted a while back. It just doesn't look like the butt I've lived with for the last umpteen years. Whose butt is that? It's my new butt I guess you could say. Yeah, yeah, it sounds silly but it's true.

I'm uncovering a new body with every pound I lose. I look in the mirror every day trying to see the real me and not the distorted image I have of myself. I think I've seen the huge me for so long that I still expect to see her in the mirror. Not that I'm skinny, but I haven't been this "thin" for oh, 12-13 years. It's true, I am losing weight and I've lost quite a good chunk since May.

This distorted image issue is nothing new for me. When I weighed 128 lbs at the age of 15 I saw a fat girl in the mirror and even tried replacing a meal or two with water for an entire summer in the hopes of losing weight. While believing I was fat, I also lived in dread of getting fat. I was very ignorant then and lazy too. I realize now that I was nowhere near being fat then but the distorted image hasn't gone away and I'm not sure it ever will. I've just made peace with it and I accept it as a fact of my life. I have two men in my life who love me for who I am and who lust after me just the way I am right now. What's more, they lusted after me when I was about 50 pounds heavier. Their love, lust, and acceptance has helped me learn to accept and love myself.

But, every extra pound I carry is more stress for my back and every pound lost reduces that stress. I want to be able to serve Master to the best of my ability for many, many, many years to come. If I continued on as I was, or gained more weight, my ability to serve would have been greatly diminished. These are my motivators. My inspiration would be the ladies at Submissives Taking It Off, I can't say enough good things about these folks, they're just great.

Almost daily I look to Master for reassurance that I really do look thinner. It's not that I'm compliment-fishing, although it feels good to be complimented, I need to be reassured that I'm not dreaming, that it's real, that I really am losing weight and not just imagining the changes. It goes back to that whole distorted image thing; sometimes when I look down at myself I don't see a smaller belly, it looks like the same belly I've been looking down at for years and I don't notice that I no longer have to bend over to see my feet. I sort of borrow his eyes at those times, they see a little more clearly than mine.

I had a strange thought yesterday. I wondered if my losing weight will affect the way Master and I play(SM). Obviously I'll have less padding than I did, which I guess could translate into less protection. Will some things hurt more now than they did when I was heavier? I'm starting to think my weight will have less of an influence on our SM play than my back issues will/do.

Master took me to buy a new pair of jeans that actually fit. He doesn't see me in street clothes very often, when I get home from work I head upstairs to change into my house clothes and on the weekends we're busy so I guess he just doesn't notice. This past weekend, he did notice. He thought the jeans I was wearing were dirty because they were so baggy. Sorry Sir, not dirty, just too big. *smiles*

So that's where I'm at today. Actually I've been writing this entry for a while now and debated as to whether or not I'd post it. We're co-hosting a lifestyle wedding reception this weekend with the Tribe for two members of the Tribe, m'Lady and her new husband. I'm looking forward to being able to dress up and wear actual fetish clothes, I've got a pair of "leather" pants that were given to me that I plan to wear along with a corset top I have. I think the combination will be sexy as heck. Maybe Master will get a picture of me all dolled up. *hint, hint to Master*