Devastating

You know, over the past year I've gotten some heart rending calls at work from widowers and widows calling to let us know their husband or wife has died so we'll stop sending mail in their name. One customer sticks with me to this day. It was an older gentleman, his wife had recently died and as is typical at the end of a call I asked him if there was anything else I could help him with. "Tell me how to mend a broken family" he said. My voice caught as emotions clogged my throat. My only response was "I wish I could Sir, I wish I could." I went on to tell him to take care and try to have a good evening and ended the call. I had to sit there for a few moments afterwards breathing, trying to stop the tears that threatened to pour out if given half the chance.

How do you mend a broken family? How do you heal after such devastation as we've had this past week? How are you supposed to feel when a loved one is murdered? Anger would be the easiest thing to feel but I don't, neither does Master. I think we're still in shock, still trying to make sense of it, and still trying to accept that this is real and not a bad dream. Right now it just feels like he's not there, you know, somewhere else but still alive. There were many family gatherings that he didn't attend for one reason or the other. There was the semester he spent studying in Italy, and that's how it feels right now; like he's just traveling somewhere to return at a later date. Tomorrow night will be the worst, tomorrow night the surreal will become real. We'll have the private family viewing and then it will hit us all that he's gone, he's not coming back, it really did happen. Until then we're all trying to hold on as best we can. Many of us are well-medicated due to panic and anxiety attacks, including yours truly.

I thought I was doing well, I thought I had a handle on it. But when I'm alone or when we're with the family the panic hits and I just want to run. Run to where, I don't know, I just need to run away. Away from all this grief, away from the mental images I have of him lying there alone, dying. Just away. Sometimes ignorance would be bliss, it'd be orgasmic. I hate having the medical and forensic knowledge I have right now, I hate knowing exactly why we have to have a closed casket funeral for the public. I guess I've found my anger, I hate the necessity of it. WHY did he have to shoot him there? WHY!? Why did he have to shoot him at all?! It's not fair. It's not right. It's just such a waste of life, a waste of a life, both lives.

I guess you never realize what a gift life really is until you're faced with such a loss. Lady protect us, Lady guide us, hold us in your arms and comfort us. Gods know I'm trying to see the lesson in all of this, the reason. I have my moments of clarity, when I can see the good he's done, he's brought us all together, he's reunited estranged family members, he's facilitated healing. We're going to honor that gift by continuing that healing and staying united with the family.

Still, it hurts and my hurt is nothing in comparison to Master's. He's lost his little brother, his youngest brother, and he's watching his mother die just a little bit. Each child a mother holds dear but the youngest is her heart. I put myself in her shoes and I know I'd die if any of my children were taken from me but doubly so if I lost my youngest. I can't even contemplate it without crying so I shy away from it.

Later, when I'm ready, I'm going to post a tribute to Master's youngest brother, a memorial of my own. In my own way I will honor him and celebrate his life. I cannot speak as Master has been able to, my emotions choke me and I can't get the words out. But I can write so that is what I will do.

I thank each and every one of you for your kind words and support, it means the world to me and to Master. I share everything that is sent to me with him and he asks me to pass along his thanks with my own.