That's the thought that runs through my head every time I look at that picture of my butt that I posted a while back. It just doesn't look like the butt I've lived with for the last umpteen years. Whose butt is that? It's my new butt I guess you could say. Yeah, yeah, it sounds silly but it's true.
I'm uncovering a new body with every pound I lose. I look in the mirror every day trying to see the real me and not the distorted image I have of myself. I think I've seen the huge me for so long that I still expect to see her in the mirror. Not that I'm skinny, but I haven't been this "thin" for oh, 12-13 years. It's true, I am losing weight and I've lost quite a good chunk since May.
This distorted image issue is nothing new for me. When I weighed 128 lbs at the age of 15 I saw a fat girl in the mirror and even tried replacing a meal or two with water for an entire summer in the hopes of losing weight. While believing I was fat, I also lived in dread of getting fat. I was very ignorant then and lazy too. I realize now that I was nowhere near being fat then but the distorted image hasn't gone away and I'm not sure it ever will. I've just made peace with it and I accept it as a fact of my life. I have two men in my life who love me for who I am and who lust after me just the way I am right now. What's more, they lusted after me when I was about 50 pounds heavier. Their love, lust, and acceptance has helped me learn to accept and love myself.
But, every extra pound I carry is more stress for my back and every pound lost reduces that stress. I want to be able to serve Master to the best of my ability for many, many, many years to come. If I continued on as I was, or gained more weight, my ability to serve would have been greatly diminished. These are my motivators. My inspiration would be the ladies at Submissives Taking It Off, I can't say enough good things about these folks, they're just great.
Almost daily I look to Master for reassurance that I really do look thinner. It's not that I'm compliment-fishing, although it feels good to be complimented, I need to be reassured that I'm not dreaming, that it's real, that I really am losing weight and not just imagining the changes. It goes back to that whole distorted image thing; sometimes when I look down at myself I don't see a smaller belly, it looks like the same belly I've been looking down at for years and I don't notice that I no longer have to bend over to see my feet. I sort of borrow his eyes at those times, they see a little more clearly than mine.
I had a strange thought yesterday. I wondered if my losing weight will affect the way Master and I play(SM). Obviously I'll have less padding than I did, which I guess could translate into less protection. Will some things hurt more now than they did when I was heavier? I'm starting to think my weight will have less of an influence on our SM play than my back issues will/do.
Master took me to buy a new pair of jeans that actually fit. He doesn't see me in street clothes very often, when I get home from work I head upstairs to change into my house clothes and on the weekends we're busy so I guess he just doesn't notice. This past weekend, he did notice. He thought the jeans I was wearing were dirty because they were so baggy. Sorry Sir, not dirty, just too big. *smiles*
So that's where I'm at today. Actually I've been writing this entry for a while now and debated as to whether or not I'd post it. We're co-hosting a lifestyle wedding reception this weekend with the Tribe for two members of the Tribe, m'Lady and her new husband. I'm looking forward to being able to dress up and wear actual fetish clothes, I've got a pair of "leather" pants that were given to me that I plan to wear along with a corset top I have. I think the combination will be sexy as heck. Maybe Master will get a picture of me all dolled up. *hint, hint to Master*
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