We had such a good day today, with a surprise drop-in from Master, he was supposed to work until 7 this evening but he decided to take off early. The girls and I had planned to put the tree up and decorate it today and since he was home early, before we'd even begun, he sprawled on the couch and watched us. It was good, having him there, sharing that moment with him and with the girls. I had my Christmas CDs playing and I sang along with the tunes as we decorated the tree, every now and then I'd glance over at him and we'd share a smile. We're both moving through our grief, sometimes getting mired in it but still trying to move forward. Hopefully the good days will outnumber the bad days soon.
Most of the time I'm okay but sadness sneaks up on me like the tide rolling in, it comes in, sweeps over me, and ebbs again, leaving me drenched in it. Just as I get dried off it comes again, and again. I can't watch my once favorite TV shows anymore, forensic crime shows I loved but after living it, they're just triggers of things better left unthought.
Sometimes I think I might be depressed but I'm not ready yet to accept that as a viable truth. Mostly I'm just grieving in bits and pieces, when I'm alone. It seems to be my way.
I wanted catharsis but I wasn't able to get it so it all seems to stay locked inside me except for the little leaks, I'm not sure how to let it out now. It's not societally acceptable to break out in tears whenever the urge comes on you know. So I bite them back, breathe deeply, and force my thoughts in a different direction when I'm able. Sometimes I can almost convince myself that it was just a bad dream, not real. Then I remember, I remember how he died, the violence of it, I picture the scene as it must have been, then I flash on him in his casket, Master patting his chest, soothing, consoling, trying to convince himself of the reality of it. It aches and no medication in the world can ease it. It's a wound that has to heal on its own, in its own time. I just wish I could get rid of the mental pictures, unknow the things I know.
I got the job I interviewed for the day his brother was found. It seems strange to me, to have this positive thing happen at the same time as this horrible thing. Once the initial excitement of being offered the job wore off I started having a hard time feeling happy about having a new job. I'm not looking forward to learning something new, I'm looking forward to making more money and having better benefits. It doesn't much matter right now what I do for a living, I'm not really there, I'm not really involved. So, in two weeks I start a new job, another ending and another beginning. Life is filled with them and it seems to me that the beginnings will always be somewhat darkened by the endings and maybe that's how it should be. It makes one more mindful that in order for one thing to begin another must end. The old makes way for the new, but one should never forget the old, the old paved the way, helped to shape the future you.
I don't know what the future holds, I'm almost scared to find out. Call me cautious, experience has made me so. I know I've done good though, in getting the new job. I've eased Master's stress in securing a job that can support me and our youngest child should something happen to him. So, if nothing else, that is a bright spot. Once I start earning money at the new job I will ease more of his stress; another bright spot. I'm trying to skip from bright spot to bright spot, focusing on them instead of the sadness that lurks in the corner.
When I let myself I do feel somewhat proud of myself, this is my first "grown-up" job. It's the first job I'll have had that pays enough, with excellent benefits, to allow me to be independent should I need to be. I don't quite know how I feel about that. I know I'm awfully old to be having this experience but I did things a little backwards, having a family first and being a stay-at-home mom. Now I'm venturing out beyond a part-time job just to supplement Master's income. Instead I'm going to be a sizeable contributor to the household income in my own right. I've never been financially independent, ever.
So yeah, lots of changes to cope with. Not so happy with some of them but kicking and screaming doesn't seem to be changing anything so I just hang on and go along for the ride.
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