Whine

I'm out of spoons, I've borrowed spoons from the next two days and I haven't done anything! I'm angry, frustrated, whiney, and sad. I feel guilty talking to the Boss too much about it because there's nothing he can do to fix it or change things. I have to work full-time or we'll sink. But working full-time is stealing my spoons.

I did one hour of activity on Saturday morning, I went to the bank with the oldest girl to help her start a checking acct and then a quick trip to the grocery store to pick up a few necessities. After I got home I was completely and totally exhausted, I had nothing left to give. The most I could do is sprawl on the couch and stare at the TV. I was able to recover enough to make a quick trip to the library later in the afternoon because I took a long nap. I did a load of laundry and watched a movie before going to bed.

I slept late Sunday morning but was still exhausted when I woke up, I took a nap about an hour or so after waking then I had to get up so we could go to Wal-Mart and pick up a few necessities. I'd say we were there for maybe an hour or so. I had to lean on the cart so that I could walk without as much pain and by the time we got to the check-out I was ready to pass out from exhaustion. I was litterally wrung out and had nothing left to give. I made it to the car, got in and just sat there breathing heavily trying to get up the energy to eat the candy bar I'd gotten and take a drink of my soda. When we got home I pushed myself to get laundry done and put groceries away. I had to be honest with him and tell him that I didn't think I'd have the energy to help cook dinner. All I would have had to do is make the spaghetti sauce, it's pretty low as far as labor intensity goes and I couldn't even do that.

We ordered pizza for dinner and after eating a couple of slices and a few breadsticks I was exhausted again. I spent the rest of the evening laying on the couch with my head in the Boss's lap. I hated being that exhausted. I was almost helpless and could barely move, it started panicking me. I don't think I've ever been that worn out that I could barely move.

We went to bed early last night, I was asleep before 9:30 and I didn't get up until about 20 until 7 this morning and I was still exhausted. I could barely move I hurt so much and was so stiff. The pain hasn't gotten much better even though all my pain meds are on board. I'm so frustrated. I don't know what to do to improve my situation. I've got cushions to sit on and to support my low back. I try to move around periodically so that I don't get too stiff. But still, it's not enough. The cold hard facts are that my body cannot handle a full-time job. I want to scream, I want to cry, it's not fair. I want to be "normal", I want to be whole, and I want to be able to have a life in the evenings and on the weekends. I don't want to sleep my life away but that seems to be my lot right now.

I try hard to keep the resentment down to a minimum. It's not the Boss's fault that he needs a full-time income from me, it's definitely not his fault that my back is screwy. Yet, there are days I feel like lashing out because I'm so miserable, so frustrated, and so damn stuck. I try to make peace with it, I try to accept that this is just the way my life is. I really do. Some days I'm successful. Right now I'm not. I want to rage at the unfairness of it all. Yet I'm still trying to find little things to be thankful for, like the fact that at least my back didn't go bad until after my kids were mostly grown. I couldn't imagine trying to care for little ones in this condition, I couldn't lift and carry them, I wouldn't be able to chase them around and play with them. So I'm thankful that it happened later rather than sooner.

I'm sort of scared though. What happens when I'm all out of spoons and I still have to push through to get through a week of work? That's how this week feels. It's only Monday and I'm wishing I could just stay home and rest. What if by Friday I'm so thoroughly exhausted that I can barely lift an arm, much less talk to people? What do I do then? Where do I find the energy to continue?

I just wonder what the point is. All I'm able to do is work, nothing else. We're supposed to be going to hang out with some friends on the 24th, I'm afraid I won't be able to go because things with my back and my energy are getting progressively worse. I can barely serve my owner, I want to engage in SM play but I don't have the spoons/energy for it. It feels like my life is just slipping away, the life I love and want to live. All that's left in its place is work, pain, and exhaustion. What is the point? Maybe the Boss should take on another submissive so he can have a playmate who can serve him. That thought hurts and it kills me to think of someone else giving him, and receiving from him, what I want to give and receive. But, it's not fair to him to have to go without because I've got nothing to give. I know there are several who would jump at the chance to play with him, to serve him. I know too that there are some he wouldn't mind playing with and being served by.

I hate what my life is becoming. I hate having no control over it. I hate being stuck. I hate my disability. It really frosts me that I'm not "disabled enough" to qualify for disability because I'm still working. Yeah, I work, I don't have a choice. I'd have to quit work to apply for disability and I'd have to be out of work for a very long time before they'd even consider covering me. I need to see my pain doc again, I need a raise in the dosages, but I'm putting it off for reasons I've stated before. He'll want to see me, I can't get time off until April, he'll insist on the discogram. He'll say something assinine in answer to my increased pain & lack of energy due to working 40 hours. He'll suggest I go back to part-time work. He may as well suggest I become an astronaut and go live on the moon in zero gravity to alleviate my pain. It's just not possible.
I guess I am being very negative right now. I feel negative. Nothing seems to be going right. Heck, even the girly problem I was having, that I thought we'd fixed, is becoming a problem again. I spot every couple of days and I don't have a regular period anymore. I should probably have that looked into but again, no money, no time. I'm starting to wonder at the point of even caring or getting upset about any of this. It's not like that'll fix it or make it better. I'm just screwed and not in a good way.