Venting Frustrations

I'm feeling very frustrated lately. A gal on one of my e-mail lists posted a story about living with chronic illness/pain in an effort to share what it's like with folks who don't understand. The main character of the story used a handful of spoons to illustrate her point. Each day she starts out with a handful of "spoons" and each activity she does costs her a "spoon". Some things cost more "spoons" than others and if she does too much she'll be borrowing against the next day's "spoons". If you're out of "spoons" that's it, you've got nothing left for that day, no energy, nothing. The main character learned "spoon" management, she is selective about how she uses her "spoons" and tries to keep at least one in reserve for those "just-in-case situations". That story really hit home with me. I feel like I'm in a "spoon" deficit.

It seems that since I took this new full-time job I have fewer and fewer spoons each day. My pain levels have increased to the point that I no longer have good days (aka pain free or relatively pain free). My pain levels run between 5 and 8 all the time (on a scale of 1-10).

I feel very stuck right now, there's no point in seeing the pain doc even if I could take the time off, he'll want to do the discogram, which I can't afford just now. It won't matter what he finds anyway, I'm not eligible for short or long-term disability until Dec of this year. I've only been at this job for a bit over a month, something tells me they won't appreciate me taking off for a few months to have disc fusion surgery. I can't afford to lose this job or the benefits I have. The Boss is depending on me, and the income I'm bringing in, to help dig us out of our financial hole. So I grit my teeth and bear it.

I'm sure the doc could up my meds but I'm sleepy 24/7 as it is and that's even when I'm taking 2 Ritalin SR every day. I don't think I could function on higher doses. There's also the possibility that he'll want to just wean me off the Duragesic patch and start over. I don't know if that's something I could work through; ever go through drug withdrawals? I did by accident, I didn't have my patch securely attached and spent about12 hours in withdrawal. I felt so awful, sick, shaky, and the pain levels were through the roof. I SO don't want to experience that again, not even a little bit. Lucky me the patch causes physical dependency, go without it too long and you get to experience drug withdrawal. Knowing my luck the same is true of my other pain med too.

I know what my body needs, part-time hours or no work at all. Unfortunately I can't give up this job and there isn't an option for part-time hours. I'm not even supposed to have any time off until mid-March, it's a sort of probationary period. So I can't even think about seeing the doc until then, if I were so inclined.

I feel like I'm doomed to be in pain forever. I'm scared that I'm going to end up needing a cane or a wheelchair. I'm fiercely independent and I hate having to lean on others for help. I probably push myself harder than I should but I refuse to let my physical problems deter me from living my life. Still, I can't help but feel that they're going to whether I'm willing or not.

The doctor says exercise, take walks. I've done that for a month now and by Friday each week I can barely walk because of the pain. Now what? I'd swim but I don't have a membership anywhere that has a pool. I suppose I could see if the Mercy Wellness Center would still honor my membership with them.

I don't like talking to the Boss about it too much, he wants to fix it but he can't, and he gets as frustrated as I do.

This is just me venting and whining. On my "good" days, when I've got a better attitude, I just deal with it. The pain is part of my life and something I just have to live with for now, possibly for the rest of my life. Having a fit and feeling sorry for myself won't change any of that.