Maybe I'm a germophobe, I don't know. But for two days in a row now there has been a lady who coughs, and doesn't cover her mouth when she does so, sitting directly behind me on the bus. Each time she coughs I imagine all her germ-laden spittle racing toward me, surrounding my head, coating the back of my hair, and filling the immediate air I'm breathing. Watch the movie Outbreak-the theater scene- and you'll have a pretty good idea of what I'm imagining. It makes me want to take another shower to get her germs off of me, or maybe wear a particle mask while riding the bus.
Mass transit is great and all but the close quarters will ill people is enough to make me want to attempt to walk to work. I'm crossing every crossable in hopes that The Boss will get my car running again this weekend.
Speaking of The Boss, and his Bossliness, it seems we're both too tired, too whatever, lately to practice active M/s. I mean, he's still The Boss, he still makes the rules, and has the final say but that's about it. I've been more argumentative and feeling inconvenienced when he gives me a task to do. For his part, he finds it easier to just let my bad behavior slide. Last weekend he did yank me up short in the middle of a tirade. He pulled my pants down, told me to lie face down on the bed, and got out the coat hanger. He lectured me before and after the one and only stroke he gave me on my bottom. He stopped because he realized that he was punishing in anger and he tries very hard to not do that. He feels it's wrong to punish in anger. I was so angry with him before that first and only stroke, I was still caught up in my sense of righteousness.
I could use the excuse that he has treated me like a wife so much in the past couple of months that I've just begun acting like one. But that would be wrong, using that excuse would be me trying to avoid taking responsibility for my behavior. As I've said before, my status does not absolve me of personal responsibility. The Boss thinks that my poor behavior is a failure on his part-that by my actions I am telling him that I don't feel as if I have to obey him because he hasn't shown me enough authority to give me a "reason" to obey. The trouble with that is that it's an easy out for me. I could agree with him, let him shoulder all of the responsibility-that would be dishonest. Even without active dominance from him I have reasons to obey and I've ignored them, focusing instead on all the turmoil of our day to day lives. Not that it isn't important stuff-but my responsibility to him and to myself is at least, equal in importance.
My reasons for obeying him regardless of an absence of active dominance are:
1. The immense respect I have for him as a man, my partner, and my owner.
2. The immense love I have for him.
3. The agreement I made by accepting his collar.
It seems like such a small thing as I sit here and write about it. But when these feelings come over me it seems impossible to bite my tongue and swallow any protest I might want to make. I know I can quit arguing and I can obey, I've done it. The hard thing for me-besides biting my tongue when my dander is up-is calmly asking for the opportunity to voice my concerns, opinions, or feelings. I think that if I could manage to do this the need to argue would diminish. I believe that a good part of my need to argue comes from feeling as if I'm not being listened to and as if I'm being taken for granted.
I know some feel that a consensual slave doesn't have the right to expect to be valued or listened to (depending on what may be negotiated between the parties involved). But I think it's safe to say that in my relationship with The Boss, I am allowed to have those expectations. He'll correct me if I'm wrong, I'm sure.
I do need to feel as if I have a voice, even if it doesn't change, or affect, his decision. I need to feel valued and being listened to helps with that. I know part of this is left over baggage from childhood but I think it's also normal human needs too. I'm sure there are perfectly mentally healthy people out there, with no history of abuse, that have similar needs.
It would be helpful to me if he would agree to allow me to ask for the opportunity to voice whatever I need to voice, in a respectful way of course. Obviously when and if he granted those requests would be up to him but I would hope that some of those requests would be granted. Otherwise the privilege wouldn't be of much use.
We haven't played either, not since he did some work on the cutting on my back in October. I sometimes wonder if this is lack of desire, lack of energy, or if it'sjust related to having too much emotional turmoil and stress these last few months.
It has been rough on both of us, with panic attacks and a little bit of depression. I think some of that is to be expected with the grieving process and I know that can take a year or better to complete but I'm impatient. I want to live fully again. I just don't know if I still desire SM. Mentally I do-I want the entire experience, the challenge of attempting to endure the pain he's giving, the tears & curses uttered, his wicked chuckles of delight, the sight of his erect cock dripping copious amounts of precum, the sex afterward with his hips grinding against my tender bottom, and the complete and total feeling of sateity of emotional and physical release.
What if I can't take the pain I once took? What if I can't serve or satisfy him in that way again? What if he's lost his desire to inflict pain or to live M/s? I worry that the grief will consume him, and maybe me, thus consuming our M/s life together.
I know some of my worries are redundant and likely needless. I have these same worries every time we have a lull in the M/s or SM. I'm just so happy with what we do have, when things are all meshing nicely. I feel complete as his slave, he really is the other half of me. Yin to my yang, Clyde to my Bonnie. *g*
I don't know if I could be as happy without the M/s or SM after having lived it. At one time I wondered if the lack of either would be a deal breaker for me. I'm pretty certain now that it wouldn't be. While I wouldn't be happy or content going vanilla, I would be devastated with the loss of my best friend and lover. Losing The Boss would be like removing a vital organ-he is my life, my reason for existance.
I know I am borrowing trouble and worrying needlessly. Stress and emotional upset has just, once again, pushed M/s and SM to the backseat for a while.
I'm going to work on my argumentativeness, perhaps that will bring the M/s to the forefront once again.
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