I’ve been feeling pretty sorry for myself today. When I woke up this morning I was numb in the saddle region (the parts of the body that make contact with a saddle as you sit on it) and up a few inches inside my vagina. The numbness didn’t stop there however, it went up the left side of my back and wrapped around my left breast. That was a first.
The Boss wanted sex this morning and I was willing until he wanted to perform oral on me. I tried to stop him with “Honey, I won’t be able to feel it..” but then I realized that it wasn’t being done for my pleasure but for his. So I shut my mouth and tried to relax and enjoy the sensations I could feel. It’s a strange thing, being f*cked but not really feeling it. I could feel it if he went deep but other than that I could only feel the pressure of him there. I guess I should be thankful I have that much sensation. But I’m not, I’m angry because I only have that much sensation sometimes.
That isn’t to say I’m always that numb but it happens more and more often for longer periods of time; most frequently first thing in the morning after a night of sleep, or at the end of a work day. It seems to happen when I try to have an orgasm too. I go numb very quickly when I’m lying on my back. But wouldn’t you know it, lying on my back is about one of the only positions I can orgasm in. I don’t orgasm easily to begin with, I can’t G-spot orgasm at all so having a numb clitoris *really* puts a damper on things. It’s pretty frustrating and mostly I just try to avoid it. I’d rather not try and go weeks without orgasm than try and end up more frustrated because I’m extremely aroused and can’t bring myself off due to the numbness. So you see m problem. I love sex but sometimes I really hate it.
I guess this works in The Boss’s favor, he enjoys orgasm denial for me. Ninety-nine percent of the time I’m content with it too, it’s just that one percent of the time, when it’s been weeks since my last orgasm, or attempted orgasm, that I get a little cranky about it. Most of the time I won’t even ask for orgasm. On average I might ask once every two to three weeks. I know that he’s picked up on my orgasm avoidance. I think it plays a part in his lack of offering them. I don’t know how to feel about that. I guess I should be thankful that he’s sparing me that frustration but it feels more like he’s sparing himself. It takes far too long to get me to orgasm when we are successful and it’s most definitely a joint effort. I’m envious of my friends who can orgasm almost at the drop of a hat.
Lately I’ve been avoiding sex altogether. I’m just tired of being frustrated. I can only handle being repeatedly aroused and left to stew so much. I can handle failed orgasms even less. It’s easier to not think about sex at all than to be aroused and get him off knowing the whole time that I may not get off for days or weeks. Yeah it’s selfish, I can’t help that. I like to get off too.
I wrote the other day about loss of SM desire and The Boss and I being basically vanilla. I was a lot closer to the truth of things than I knew. I found today that my desire is just fine. I’m craving SM like I’ve always done, so I guess that’s a relief. It’s his that has waned in the face of all the grief. He told me today, after reading my blog that he just needs time but that he doesn’t want to give anything up. I’m having a hard time believing him. I just wish I had some sort of time frame. I know it’s unrealistic and unfair to even want such a thing. You just can’t put a time limit on grief. I wish I could but I know I can’t. But I need something to hold on to, to get me through until he’s ready again, something to help me keep hope alive.
I put myself out there tonight anyway. I took a risk and asked him to play. I asked for something he used to enjoy a lot, he said it was relaxing for him. I asked for some fire cupping and maybe a little light knife play. He told me he just wasn’t up to it tonight. I wanted to ask him when he would be up for it but I didn’t. Instead I just gave a pleasant face and told him it was okay. Then I went on and scrubbed the toilet. I had a lot of energy to burn and it needed done anyway.
I don’t know why it is but when I let myself think about something, when I desire it and think I might just get it but it’s denied to me, I end up with a lot of energy to burn that just doesn’t dissipate.
Inside I was crushed-I felt rejected even if it wasn’t a rejection of me, it feels like a rejection of part of our life together. I feel like I’m being unfair to him even typing this but it’s how I felt and still do feel. I’m scared that I’m going to be waiting forever for him and he’s never going to come around again. What do I do in the meantime? I can’t dom myself, I can’t beat myself, and when I cut myself I get into trouble for doing it. I feel desperate, my needs and desires are waking up again and now I have no outlet for them. I want to cut myself right now and it’s a bad thought to have. I’ll probably get a lecture about it after he reads this.
I just want to feel good pain again. I am sick and tired of the bad pain that leaves me exhausted, worn out, and unhappy. My life is chock full of that kind of pain, it fills my days and nights. It’s there to greet me first thing in the morning, stays with me all day long, and crawls into bed with me at night. I’m so fucking frustrated and I can’t do a damn thing about it. It seems like SM is the last thing I can feel and now I can’t even have that. I can’t see Sir because I’m working full-time during the day, when he has all his free time of course. I could beg m’Lady to play but it’s not a woman’s touch I need, it’s not just a man’s touch I need either. I need my Master’s touch and I can’t seem to find him anymore. I feel so lost and alone, I don’t know where to turn, or even who to turn to anymore. I could probably accept the orgasm problem if I could console myself with the fact that I could still get to enjoy SM. It just seems pointless to even bother with anything anymore. I think I’m going to drop out of most of my Lifestyle groups, there's no point in participating when I don’t live the lifestyle right now. I’ll still blog but I don’t know how much reading I’m going to do. It’s hard seeing others living the life I want to live knowing I won’t get it until he's healed and that will happen in his own good time.
I’m scared, just plain old scared, that he’ll never come around and that it’s gone for good. I’m scared that the life I love is gone, that the man I love will never again be the Master I need. If it sounds selfish, so be it.
I’m sorry for any hurt I’ve caused you by writing this Boss. I had to get it out, it’s been eating me up inside and weighing me down; it’s why I was so lethargic today, so flat emotionally. I feel like part of me is dying, like part of our relationship is dying, and I don't know how to relate anymore. I'm trying to learn this new way, but I miss the old, I long for it. What if I get used to the new way and when you're ready to go back to the old, I'm not able to submit to you again? What if you never come around? What if?
I love you with every particle of my being, I'd turn myself inside out to take care of you and do what's best for you if it would help.
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