Control Cravings

I've been thinking. Yes, again, maybe still is more accurate. Just before things went south I was craving more dominance. I'd asked The Boss about me surrendering my driver's license and identification to him when I'm at home. I wanted to feel as if my movements were more tightly controlled by him. Not that I go anywhere without his permission anyway, but it just seemed like something that would give me that feeling of tighter control.

He wasn't amenable to the idea at the time stating that it just wasn't his cuppa. I understood and accepted his decision without further comment and didn't really give it much further thought.

It seems that my need for more control didn't just go away, as I'd thought. It sort of went into hibernation while I was in crisis mode. With most of the crises passed I find that I'm floundering and I'm wanting to surrender again, more, whatever. At the same time, that need for more control seems to be reawakening and coming out of hibernation. So instead of a simple craving for more control, I'm feeling desperate and out of control and The Boss isn't ready yet to retake the reins, much less pull them tighter. It almost feels like deja vu. 8 or 9 years ago I began exploring my submissive side and wanted to explore with The Boss, he wasn't ready. He allowed me to explore with another for about two years before he decided he was ready to explore with me.

I'm, understandably I think, worried that we've got the same situation again. Only this time I am working full time, during Sir's free time. I don't know if there is an easy solution. I feel guilty over writing about it, I don't want The Boss to feel worse than he already does. I've just got to write it out. He says he understands, he doesn't feel badly.

But where does all of this leave us? Inquiring minds want to know. Frazzled slaves want to know too.

I need play time, I need service time, and I need time to surrender. But do I want to do any of that with someone other than The Boss? Whose responsibility is it to make sure my needs are met? Part of me feels like I should put my needs aside in favor of his. I just wish things were different and that we didn't have to answer these questions.