The collar we use is very obviously a collar and thus cannot be worn at home, much as I'd dearly like to. Perhaps this makes it more special, more symbolic. Whatever the reason, I long to wear a collar all the time. I feel safe, secure, and right wearing it.
He let me wear it longer than usual Saturday night. I got to wear it when we were visiting with the Tribe, while we played, and then right up until we parked in front of our home at the end of the night. It was with some reluctance that I shifted so he could access the lock and remove it.
Last night as soon as he got me into the bedroom for the night he stripped me bare and put the collar on. You could have pushed me over with a feather, happy as I was to be nude but for the collar and serving him. When he removed it my neck felt so naked, empty, bereft. I wanted to beg him to let me wear it to bed even though I knew it would be uncomfortable to sleep in.
I don't need a collar to prove anything to anyone or to myself. Nor do I need it in order to prove I'm a slave. It's just that I feel naked without it, I miss its presence around my neck. The ritual of him placing the collar around my neck and locking it is a reminder of my position, a Master's reclamation of his slave.
I want a daily collar that I can wear but only if it's something he wants me to have and wear. If he were to give me a daily collar simply because I asked for it, to me, it would lose some of its symbolism. It's a symbol of his ownership of me, much like a wedding ring is a symbol of marriage. It signifies my status as owned property and my commitment to my Master.
I know plenty of people who are quite happy without a daily collar and, in general, I'm one of those people. But in these past couple of days it has become more important to me to wear his collar all the time. I'm wondering if this change is related to the connection the Boss and I made Saturday night.
It was a rough night for me, emotionally speaking. I'd gotten my hopes up pretty high that the Boss and I would have our forced sex scene and before we left he told me he didn't think he'd be in the mood for it. He'd rather keep that type of play private between us. I was disappointed when he told me but I worked very hard to keep that out of my voice and to not have a bad attitude about it. I thought I was doing well with that. I didn't pout and my mood was good.
However, when we arrived at our destination I slowly became aggressive and slightly smart-mouthed. It was almost as if I was daring him to hurt me, challenging him to do so. Later on in the evening he and his partner in crime decided to do a takedown scene. The scene itself was fun, it was more playful fighting than anything serious. Yet, I found myself getting angry and ended up pretty upset afterwards. I think I was disappointed that I didn't get to go to the place I wanted/needed to go. I've had a lot of pent up stress and the very sadistic scenes are cathartic and help me find my slave center. I know that sounds a little silly but that's how it works for me.
The Boss spent some quiet time with me talking about my behavior and my emotions. I apologized for behaving badly and aggressively. I felt like an idiot at that point and couldn't believe I'd done it. I almost asked if we could go home because I was embarrassed by my behavior. I kept my teeth closed and didn't ask that question but instead took the comfort he offered and threw myself into having a better evening. The rest of the evening was good and he even played with me again. By the end of the scene I felt that sense of peace and connectedness I'd been craving.
He spent most of the scene making physical contact with me. Some part of his body was always touching me while we played. He didn't take me to the breaking point, and didn't push me too far beyond what I could take. But through it I connected to him in a very deep and meaningful way. It was cathartic even without being pushed far and hard. At the end he pulled me into a big hug and just held me until I knelt in front of him, bent at the waist and wrapped myself around his leg kissing his foot, rested my cheek on his foot and continued to kiss his foot. I stayed there until he patted my bottom to indicate he wanted me to stand. He hugged and kissed me then set me to packing the toys up. I was peaceful, joyous even, and I'd found my slave center.
I think it is that feeling that I hope to capture and retain with the wearing of a daily collar. I want to always feel that centered peacefulness, that joy to serve, no matter what task he may give me. That feeling is associated with being in collar more often than not.
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