I'm sick, I'm mentally ill. I cringe at those terms. I feel there is such stigma attached to being 'mentally ill' that I want to distance myself from the label. In doing so I'm jumping right into DEnial and that's not helpful for me or my illness. The medications I take can sometimes further allow me a deeper trip into DEnial because most days I feel "normal". Then I get b*tchslapped by my illness, either it gets stronger than the meds or, in the case of the last week, I'm off the meds for some reason.
It has been a harrowing week and weekend. I'm sure Master has a few more grey hairs than he had before. I know I do but thank the Gods for hair dye! I'm still not 100%, maybe 80% right now. I'm shaky, fragile, and I could cry at the drop of a hat but at least I'm able to get out of bed. I'm sitting here at work today and I'm functioning. I couldn't get myself out of bed Tuesday, I felt trapped there, I felt as if I was going to die in my room trapped in that bed. That's the height of mental illness for me. Not being able to do something as simple as getting out of bed. It still sounds as stupid now in type as it did when I said it Tuesday morning with tears flowing down my cheeks. But, stupid or not it's just one of the many manifestations of my mental illness.
Maybe Master is right, I don't accept my mental illness as being part of who I am and maybe that is what makes it so rough for me. I keep expecting to "heal" and be "normal" instead of learning to cope with it and accepting it. I don't want to accept it. I don't want to be mentally ill. Master says there is no such thing as "normal", most of the time I agree with him. But when I'm in the throes of my illness I mentally flog myself for not being normal, I moan about never being "normal". "Normal" is my Holy Grail in a way. It's something I think I'm going to find if I just keep searching, if I have enough faith, if I'm good enough... and so on. Too many ifs. I've never been "normal" so why should I expect to start now? I realize how silly that hope is when I stop and think about it like that. I'm always a big proponent of making the most of the life one is given. I don't seem to be practicing what I preach do I?
My new goal is acceptance. Acceptance of myself as I am now, not as I wish I were or as I will be if x, y, and z happen. I am mentally ill and have been from a very young age, medication helps me to function. So what? I wouldn't be ashamed of needing medication for a physical illness such as cancer, why should I be ashamed of this? Stigma. Personal bias.
My mother has been mentally ill all my life, a drug addict, and revelling in the "victim" role. All this along with being physically and emotionally abusive. I've spent most of my life fighting to not be at all like her. Yet here I am, mentally ill, physically limited, and dependent on medication to function. There are differences and it's those differences I need to focus on. I'm not addicted to my medication, I'm not abusing or misusing it, I've worked hard to overcome most of my issues, and I keep looking for solutions to my physical limitations that will allow me to live my life.
So here I am, at work instead of sitting at home. I've been here an hour and a half and while part of me wants to run home the rest of me knows that isn't an option. I need to stay here and in staying here I will gain some strength and functionality. I'm proud of myself for getting myself out of bed today, for getting a shower, and for leaving the house to go to work. I couldn't have done this just a few days ago, not even yesterday.
Life is what we make of it, I often forget this but that doesn't make it any less true.
2 comments:
Joy,
I found your blog from links through other blogs and when I started reading I felt like I got hit with a ton of bricks. I too suffer from mental illness and some days it takes all my energy just to get through the day. Also, I'm in a Dd marriage and my husband, while very supportive in many ways, doesnt quite "get" why I cant just snap out of it sometimes.Also, while of course the meds help they also take some of the "umph" out of life. As I said, I came here by accident so Im not sure how often you post or how often you check your blog but please know I'll be checking back and thinking of you. It was comforting to find a blog that has an aspect of the Dd relationship I live and also the mental illness part that is unfortunately part of my life too.
All the best,
Suzanne
Joy, I can't possibly know what it is that you are experiencing. Thank goodness the issues I struggle with in my life have not included mental illness. So I will not pretend that I somehow know how you feel.
I do know though, that you can do nothing with your deficits. You can only lead your life through your gifts, your attributes, your abilities. You can beat yourself up for your deficiencies and disabilities, and how inadequate you beleive you are. Or you can choose to focus on your strengths and move forward to live your life, for you and for him.
As I type this I am saying to myself, "this woman is suffering and here you come to her Blog and preach at her." I apologize if that is to a degree what I am doing. But I do know that you do have the ability to add positive messages about yourself to the negative messages you tell yourself. Not positive messages that are just to "trick" yourself into being more functional, but real ones, based upon an honest assessment of your gifts and strengths. if you are feeing that you cannot list positive aspects of you at this point, I bet your Master could help you list them. He isn't with you because of your faults and weaknesses, but because of your gifts.
Pehaps, since you are in such need of being "beaten up" for aspects of your life that you feel so horrendously about, you should work with your Master for a maintenance spanking of some significance at routine intervals. It could focus on all your negatvie traits and get this need you are feeling for punishment out of your system for a few days, so you can go on to focus on the good things about you. (Besides the resulting endorphines might just make you feel better for a little bit:)
I don't know if any of this makes any sense. I really wanted to say I am sorry you are hurting so much and I hope you can manage to focus on your strenghts, abilities, and gifts and quit beating up on yourself no matter how depressed you are.
All the best,
Tom
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you've imagined.
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