Depression and submission

I wonder sometimes if my depression, my mental illness, has an affect on my submission. Does the quality of my submission go down as the symptoms of my depression increase? I note that I crave to submit more deeply when I feel lost in the depression. It seems to be my lifeline out, the only thing I can see that will "save" me. Is that wrong? I don't know.

I strive to submit as fully as I can because I see no other way of life for myself. Yet when the symptoms of depression are on me I am irascible, easily annoyed by simple requests, and subject to fits of anger and insensibility. Very non-submissive qualities, not qualities a slave should exhibit, yet I do occasionally and I cannot seem to exercise control over them.

So I throw myself into "submissive" activities. Pursuits that will improve me as a slave and will hopefully help me find my way back to myself. I'm almost manic in these pursuits and easily frustrated when I meet with resistance. Yet I continue in my attempts and sometimes succeed.

I feel I owe it to my Owner and my Sir to be a good slave and submissive. I owe it to myself to find my happiness and wholeness.