Frustrations and Resentments

Alan and I have been together for 24 years now and our "wedding" was nothing close to what I would call a wedding. Us in jeans and Harley t-shirts, the preacher, his wife, daughter, and grandbaby, all strangers to us. We wouldn't even have the piece of paper had it not been for necessity.

I've been asking, begging, and pleading for a simple handfasting and party for the better part of 20 years now.I thought that with our 25th anniversary coming up next March, it would be the perfect time to plan for and do it.

But he's dragging his heels once again. It's always "not right now" or "just wait and see how things go".  I'm starting to feel like he doesn't want to celebrate our lives together in this way.  Like he doesn't want to renew vows and celebrate with friends and family.

And forget the topic of rings. Due to the nature of his work it is not safe to wear a ring, so any ring we bought him would just sit on the dresser collecting dust. Seems pointless to buy a ring at all. I suggested tattoo rings like a couple we know has done.  Nope, not going to happen.  He doesn't like the idea of visible tattoos especially on the hand to see his face as he looks at his hand, considering the idea, he looks disgusted and as if it's the worst suggestion ever.  I have to respect his feelings, it just seems like a huge impasse.

It hurts thinking he doesn't want to marry me or wear a symbol of that commitment.I feel so frustrated over this and he won't really talk about it.Heck, I thought I had a good idea, planning it all this far in advance. We could have set aside money here and there to save up for it. We could have had plenty of time to book the place to hold the ceremony/party and be assured of being able to secure it.

But it seems that he is averse to the entire idea so no ceremony, party, or rings of any sort.  I don't even know if he really will recollar me. I think he's waiting for me to go crazy again. It's a possibility for the rest of my life. I can't control it but I sure feel as if I'm being held accountable as if I can control it.

Update

The Boss and I talked some after he read this post, he made it clear that he has every intention of collaring me once we're through the training period.  He also stated that he'd like to have the ceremony/party and that in the near future we can start putting some money aside for it.  We're still at an impasse on the ring issue.  I have to admit, I didn't even ask him if he wanted rings of any sort.  I got a little crazy over it all and didn't even pause to consider his feelings or if I was being obedient in my behavior.  sigh

LAUNCHED!!

Okay, maybe I'm a little more excited about this than I should be.  LoL!

I have created the blog I spoke about in my last post.  My journal, chronicling my journey and progress as a slave-in-training as I work my way through Mr. Jack Rinella's book Becoming A Slave

You can find my new blog here Joy's Slave Training Journey 

I hope you will follow me and read what I share there as well. :-)

Just when things were going well...

Just when things were going well, I'd had no manic episodes in weeks (?), I'd been in a positive mood and mindset, and aside from the occasional road bump I was on the way up.

Then today happened.  I was cranky, angry, difficult to please, didn't care-I had to be ordered into the shower, in short I felt like my unmedicated self.   It felt awful and I had to consciously force myself to not lash out at the Boss or anyone else.

I took my shower and the Boss took me to get some dinner and then I went from feeling manic/angry to feeling jumpy/panicky/and overwhelmed by all the noise.  This wasn't very pleasant either but at least I have something to help with that.  Finally I calmed down to "normal", this would be my new attitude/behaviors where I'm nice, pleasant, myself, non-violent, moods are level and stable, and I'm fun to be with.  The rest of the evening with the Boss went well and I even got to snuggle up on the floor in front of him on my new cushion and reveled in head rubs.  I LOVE it when he rubs my head, it doesn't feel sexual, it just feels affectionate and the 'Big me' and 'lg' love it.

Anyway, I'm nervous.  What if I'm metabolizing the medication and it won't work at this dose any longer?  What then?  I'm tired of the medication tango.  I'm trying to not get ahead of myself but I've been at this point so many times within the last 8-9 months that I'm understandably skittish.

The Boss and I, and even S and I, are just starting to make some positive changes and progress.  I do not want to become the thing I was and tear all the good stuff down because I'm a psychotic jerk.

I'm hanging in there and waiting to see what the next week holds and I see the "team" for evaluation and updates.

I'm still working on me and taking baby steps in hopes of becoming the Boss's collared slave again-maybe "again" isn't the right word to use.  This is a new and different relationship we're building.  Still M/s, still power exchange, but stronger with a steady foundation.  I plan to be a whole person bringing a lot to the table this time around-hence all the work I'm doing.  The only way either of us will be successful as any type of couple is if we come into it with eyes wide open, full knowledge and understanding of what we want to create, and an understanding of the difference between day-to-day M/s and fantasy M/s.

Yes I'm getting off on a tangent but it's like 5:36 in the morning and this is not my usual time to be awake so I'm prone to rambling.

One of my big errors was going into both M/s relationships with an eye to being owned and being in service.  I had no idea what type of service I could or wanted to provide.  I didn't know what kind of slave I wanted to be.  I didn't know how they viewed M/s and I certainly didn't know what they really wanted in a slave, from me.  I made a lot of assumptions instead.  The Boss reminds me that I also forgot rule #1-Obey.  He says as long as I Obey, I can't go wrong, get in trouble, or disappoint him.  Makes sense huh?  It's so dang simple that it took me a little while to actually understand the concept!

If we do the Handfasting/Rose Ceremony I envision for our 25th anniversary of being together, I'd like to work the word 'Obey' in somewhere for me.  We used to joke around about the word 'Obey' being in our original wedding vows.  I swore up and down it wasn't, he swore up and down it was.  This way, there would be no doubt because I'd write it in there myself. ;-)

As a short aside:  I am in the process of creating a secondary journal.  It will be kept for the sole purpose of documenting my journey through Mr. Jack Rinella's book BECOMING A SLAVE: The Theory & Practice Of Voluntary Servitude.  Each chapter, including the introduction, has post-reading activities/questions.  I see these as a chance to hammer these new thoughts and lessons into my brain, I learn best if I write as well as read.  Somehow it gets into my long-term memory better.

So watch this spot for the announcement when that goes live.

As for the rest, I will survive.  I'm making plans for the near future, activities, things that will get me out of the isolation cycle I tend to fall into.  Psychologically I do tend toward the antisocial and as such, I tend to isolate a LOT, this computer being my only contact with the outside world for long periods of time.  Changing old behaviors is just one step toward a better 'me'.  :-)  Cheers!

Who Knew?

I've read and heard about eye contact restrictions and how it reinforces one's place within the scheme of a power exchange relationship.  Why doesn't anyone talk about how difficult it is?  It is so not easy to have a conversation with one's partner when one isn't allowed to make eye contact unless he desires it.  In the same turn when he wants that eye contact it's almost scary because it is quickly becoming a privilege to make eye contact.  I feel bared before him, vulnerable to him, when he puts a hand under my chin, exerts a little pressure upward and lets me look him in the eye.

This is not a gripe session or woe is me by any means.  I'm just musing, if you will, about this new aspect of my life with the Boss.  He has given me other rules to follow as well and I look at them as a privilege.  He took the time to decide what he wanted from his slave-in-training, wrote out these new "rules" (I think of them as new ways of relating and behaving), and took the time to explain them to her so there was no chance for confusion or misunderstanding.

However privileged I feel being given this new set of behaviors to learn, they're not easy yet.  It will take time for them to become habit and for me to not slip up and make eye contact when we're just sitting at home talking, or whatnot.  It's really going to be difficult to not speak until spoken to while we're in kink public, I'm chatty and I love to talk to him.  There are other behaviors, which I may (with permission) list here at some point, that I have to learn.

It is amazing what I've taken for granted over the years.  Something as simple as eye contact was once required and is now a privilege.  I believe this is a good behavior for me to learn.  I have used my eyes often to lay down a challenge to his authority.  I've abused the privilege, to say the least.

I know it's all shiny and new and the shine will wear off eventually, but I am excited about this new phase in our lives.  I am excited about learning new, more respectful, behaviors.

Starting Over

It's been a bit since I've had anything to write.  I was in such a fog, embroiled in the chaos of mental illness and loss.  It took a long time to find acceptance of life as it is now.  One big lesson I've learned is this: life is always in flux and you have to be accepting of change.  It will happen whether you want it to or not.  I'm not change friendly but we're learning to at least be civil to each other.

My former Sir, we'll call him S, is still my friend.  We still love each other and we're taking things one day at a time.  We're learning to relate (at least I am) to each other in a different way.  I did him and myself a huge disservice when we talked about creating a M/s relationship together.  I failed to ask him his view of M/s, what he wanted in a slave, and what he saw as our future as a M/s couple.  I also failed to take the time to know myself and know what I wanted in a master, in a M/s relationship, and what I had to offer.  My biggest failure?  I became all the negative things I believed were true about me and I stopped obeying.

I made the same horrible mistake with the Boss/husband and it took me backing out of the relationship, taking off the collar, and a lot of other gut wrenching, painful crap to get to where I'm at now.  Learning to surrender, to submit, and to obey.  I'm not making the same mistake twice, neither is the Boss, we are building a strong foundation for all aspects of our relationship, not just the M/s.  This time around he is the Boss and I'm so happy I could cry.  I'm getting to know him again, and learning to relate to him as my husband and the man who will hopefully own me again.

The painful crap was necessary for this rebirth, and I really believe that is what this is, a rebirth of me, of him, of us, and of our entire relationship.  One doesn't get second chances often and I can't believe I am so blessed to have this, these, chance(s).

I truly believed the Boss and S would stop loving me through one of the darkest times in my life and I did everything I could to prove that I was right.  I didn't believe they could really love me in the first place because I knew I was unlovable.  I was verbally abusive to them both and I beat up on them emotionally when I was in the depths of my illness, I was sabotaging my own relationships.  It isn't easy to admit this to myself, to them, or to you folks.  I wasn't a good person, I was toxic.  When S released me I started my journey to rock bottom.  It was a Cosmic 2x4, a wake-up call.  If I'd continued on as I was I would have lost S as a friend, the Boss as my husband, and possibly mySelf.  It was truly a dark night of the soul for all of us.


Today I feel.  I mean I really feel.  I'm stronger for the experiences, I've found my "muchness" again and I'm very much me.  I believe I am a woman worth pursuing because my muchness is there for all to see.  That isn't to say I don't still have bad days, I do.  I'm just taking things one day at a time, one minute at a time if I have to.  I have new challenges, as well as old challenges, to get through.  But I'm starting to be able to see that I'll be okay, I can do it, and I can handle it.  Why?  Because I am capable.

I don't need a master to coddle and protect me like some wilting flower, I can stand on my own two feet.  I need a master because I must serve another, I am built to do so.  I come from a position of strength, and that's the only way one can successfully surrender to another.  A weak woman cannot serve, surrender, or submit.

Time and Distance

It has been a few days now and I'm finally not overwhelmed with grief.I also haven't been in contact with ex-Sir either. That will be a test, next time we chat online.After first feeling as if I just needed and wanted to walk away from kink altogether, I've realized that I cannot and do not want to.Kink is in my blood. I am slave-hearted and maybe after some time and healing, ex-Master and me will find our way to a situation that will satisfy both of us.One of my issues with ex-Master seems to be improving, though I haven't told him yet. I'm afraid it would be a tease if it's just temporary and I don't want to be cruel.I asked to be cuffed to the bed the other night, I wanted the comforting, secure feeling it gives me. I like feeling ex-M's hands placing and lockin the cuff in place.We are going to move slowly, play partners and spouses for now, we'll see where things go.I would very much like to have my ex-Sir back as more than a friend. I still
love him. I still want him, to share that comfortableness we had.I miss what I had with them. I want to create something new and better with them.