Options? What Options?

I go see my pain doc a week from yesterday to go over the results of the lumbar discogram done Tuesday this week.  I am not a candidate for surgery-no fusion no fix because I have a good disc in-between two very naughty discs.  So we will discuss "options".

I'm trying to be open-minded and hope he has something new to offer.  Up til now it's been surgery or drugs.  Now, it seems to me the only option is "or drugs".  I'm already on drugs that aren't working well, I've already got an implant that doesn't touch the pain.  I really would like to avoid adding stronger or more drugs to the cocktail I'm already on.  I'm already focus/concentration challenged and sleepy as it is.  I don't want to be mistaken as a zombie, people will run away thinking I want to eat their brains when all I'm really doing is trying to formulate a sentence.

But S tells me to keep an open mind, don't shoot the doc down until I hear what he has to say.  So I'm trying but it isn't easy.  Right now I have an extremely limited number of spoons to spend on my daily life.  Want to know what I'm talking about?  Google "spoon theory" or "but you don't look sick" for a very well written explanation of what it is like living with chronic pain or illness.

There is a trade off to living for me.  Shower, dress, eat, all cost spoons (energy).  Go to an appointment or a social event, costs more spoons (energy).  The trade off is that with every spoon I use I have less to use and each spoon used requires energy rebuilding (or washing the dishes) aka sleep in my case.  If I've spent all my spoons for the day and borrowed from the next day or two, I've hit the "wall" and my body says "We're done, we're sleeping NOW".  And I will fall asleep as soon as I stop moving or I won't be able to wake up because my body is recouping the energy it needs.  While this is going on, I'm missing out on Life, on my life and those around me.  It really sucks and I was hoping to have it fixed somehow so maybe I would have a few more spoons to add to my supply. 

I don't know what the future holds but I sure hope it includes more spoons so I can live instead of having to live with what I consider to be an expensive trade off.

More

One of the biggest complaints 'S' has had about me is that I want 'more', he thinks I will never be content with what I have.In at least one way he may be right. I want more partners. I want a kinky poly family, a Tribe. Intentional family is a great concept to me.I am built, it seems, to have multiple loves. Some would choose to label me a cheater, no matter the relational dynamics. Those types need to get lives of their own.Very recently, I'm finding myself longing for another partner. I want a submissive or bottom who finds themselves wanting to submit, or bottom, to me.There are so many variables involved in adding another personality to an existing (and complicated) triad.I can see several impediments, s/he isn't interested in this type of relational dynamic, s/he has no interest of that sort in me, but instead prefers The Boss, The Boss has no desire to further complicate our already comlicated lives, maybe there is no one out there who is

able to see me as more than a slave applicant or submissive personality.I haven't yet addressed this issue with The Boss, I'm imagining it will be on the agenda for our Thursday night talk after he reads this.Maybe it is just plain old too soon to add another element into our relationship and I am pushing or wanting to move too fast. I'll be the first to admit that I have little patience when I really want something or someone.

Intellectually, I know slow and steady wins the race. Emotionally, I want it now. I guess I'm lucky I have The Boss, and even 'S', to either help me find the brakes, or put the brakes on for me.

Stress!!!

As if there isn't enough to keep my mind doing the dance of insanity, I have a boatload of stress.  I want/need catharsis for stress relief and release.  I need it to move beyond all this crap that I've been storing up for so long.

I need to be reduced to a limp, crying mess, curled on the floor around his feet.  Only then will I be able to let go and cry out all the yucky feelings and thoughts.

To some people this may seem extreme, unhealthy, or whatever.  Everyone has their way of managing stress, normally I don't need catharsis but when things have piled up as they have I do need it.  This is my 'OMG!' stress relief/release.

I'd beg for catharsis if we had time and space to do it.  Too bad we have one child still at home.  It's difficult to let go when you have to hold back every cry, groan, and scream.  It's even more difficult when the tools to be used for catharsis would be too loud and would be heard.  In light of this he let me do some creative cuttings tonight.  It helps to take a little of the edge off but it won't last for long, unfortunately.  But I get some pretty and colorful designs out of it.

Fair Chances?

I feel like my 'crazy' behavior has screwed everything up to the point that The Boss and S aren't able to give me a fair chance and won't ever be able to, despite verbal reassurances that they will.  They both jump on me every time I say something, they view my every word or behavior through negative filters all from the past.  It may be recent and yes it's my fault, but I need a fair chance if I'm going to make it.  Having my past behaviors thrown back at me or used to beat me down is going to keep me spiraling down.

When you're given the message that you're not worthy and haven't changed and won't change, over a long enough period of time it becomes your truth.  In my case I begin to question the sense in continuing to try to get some control of the 'crazy' or trying to have relationships with either of them.  Sometimes my give-a-damn is busted and I just want to quit.  Yeah I know, sappy, whiny, poor me. Suck it up, walk it off, just deal with it. That works well; not.

I am feeling bad about me today.  I've been in a downward spiral for a couple of days. The negative reactions from The Boss and S, plus possible back surgery, plus a definite move to an apartment that won't hold half the stuff we have is all tearing me up.  It's almost overwhelming.  I'm officiating at my sister's vow renewal at the beginning of July, I don't know how I'm going to be able to do it if I have back surgery, the first month is spent laying sown, no sitting, standing, or activity.  I'll need a gurney to even be there.

I've hit that emotional wall and I can't take any more.  I am feeling depressed and like all the cards are stacked against me.  The Boss and S were the biggest part of my mental health support team, I think I've lost that from them.  In addition to everything else it's just another drop in the bucket of crap hanging over me.

How can I get a fair chance?  If I can't get that chance how can even I begin to prove myself to them?  Whenever I bring this up with either of them it ends in a fight of some sort, and somehow I'm always wrong.  My perceptions are incorrect, it's all in my imagination, etc.  In other words, since it isn't their truth it isn't true.  Talk about a mindf*ck for a crazy person who doubts her own thoughts, memories, and reality already.  The mother pulled this same crap on me and I still don't know if what I remember is real.  It's a real crappy thing to do to someone, that's for certain. :-(