Fantasies

We all do it right? We fantasize about things that turn us on, fantasize about things we want, or the body we want to have.

Last night while Master was giving me an O I fantasized, mostly because I couldn't shut my brain off. I was making lists of things that I needed to do, class work, grocery shopping, etc. I began fantasizing and in my fantasy I was being manhandled by some strong anonymous male. He ripped my clothes off and then f*cked my mouth forcefully. I imagined him strangling me with his cock and right at that moment I had a very powerful O.


In the '80s when the Hellrasier movies came out I imagined myself being at Pinhead's mercy with those horrible hooked chains holding me in place for him. I don't know if I knew then that not everyone wanted to be in the same position, I didn't tell anyone about my secret desires. Of course, I didn't tell anyone much of anything, I was a rather closed off person by then.

I didn't tell Master what I'd been fantasizing about, perhaps I should. He already knows that about me though. I desire to be used mercilessly, I crave rough sex, the rougher the better. I've never wasted time thinking that I was sick or twisted for having these desires. It's just another aspect of me; it's how I'm wired. Not so long ago I might have wondered why I was wired this way but that really doesn't matter any more.

I'm not nearly so closed off now and I actually told my Lady about my Hellraiser fantasy. I told Master too though I daresay he wasn't surprised. *wry grins*

These types of revelations rarely surprise him.

Success

You know, all my worrying and stressing was for naught. The submissive's forum went off without a hitch last night with its first ever meeting. I led comfortably and easily despite my nerves and worries to the contrary.

I am very happy that I decided to take up this challenge. I am meeting and serving a need within our local community, as was evidenced last night by all the submissives who attended. There was much lively discussion, much more than when Dominants are present. They do tend to dominate the conversations. *chuckles*

It was really neat to hear the thoughts of my fellow submissives and to see that we really do have a commonality. Though we are individuals many of our issues are similar. I could see the first glimmerings of a support network forming last night. I think our little forum will become a valuable resource to the group as a whole.

On a personal note, one of the ladies in attendance told me that something I'd written and posted to our group's discussion list had helped her come to terms with an aspect of herself. I was floored by this statement. I feel a little bit of pride in knowing that I was able to help someone else by sharing something of myself. But mostly, I'm just surprised by it, happily surprised.

All in all this has been a very positive experience.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

Respect is the word of the week.

I've had a hard time with speaking respectfully this week. Things fly out of my mouth before I even take the time to think about them.

Master called me yesterday morning after I'd dropped him off at work, I was on my way home for a short nap before class. He'd forgotten his work keys and he needed them, I had to get them from home and bring them to him at work. It meant I wouldn't get the nap I wanted; instead of accepting that I became upset. I said "Oh come on! You've got to be kidding!" and I ended the conversation with "Fine I'll be there, good-bye." and I hung up the phone before Master could say anything else.

I knew as soon as the words were out of my mouth that I was way out of line. But I was in a snit because I wouldn't get the nap I felt I needed so I didn't apologize to Master and I barely amended my behavior when I dropped his keys off to him. Later yesterday afternoon I was snippy with Master on the phone again. This time he admonished me rather gently I must say. Despite the gentleness, it was enough to get my brain back into the driver's seat.

I've been so caught up in my own misery, stress, and concerns and I haven't been stepping out of myself to consider how my behavior affects Master. I can only imagine how I must appear to him, very unslavelike and ungrateful for the hard work he's putting in to keep our family afloat while I finish this term.

So, it's back to the drawing board for me. I am trying to internalize the things I've learned in Human Relations class these last two weeks. Control your emotions, don't let them control you. If I can manage to internalize this one thing, I will have gotten more than my money's worth from this class.
I would say the fact that I let my emotions rule me is one of the main things that hinders me as a slave. Having emotions isn't a bad thing, letting them control you is.

Self-esteem

I've been learning some fascinating things in Human Relations class recently. A lot of them center on self-esteem and personal responsibility.

We were given an article to read in class, it was an interview with a Dr. Reynolds. Dr. Reynolds’s philosophy about self-esteem is "just do it", act despite your fear or anxiety, the good feelings and higher self-esteem will come with success. He also states that we have no control over our feelings, but we can control whether or not we allow those feelings to control us. That gave me pause for thought.

I've seen proof of this in my own life. Each time I take a risk despite my fears and anxieties, and that risk is met with success, I feel just that much better about myself and just that much more confident.
If I'd continued to let my fear and anxiety rule me I would still be lacking confidence, and feeling extremely bad about who I am.
I spent several years trying to fix myself, yet still behaving in the same old way; it wasn't until I started behaving in a new way that I actually started feeling better.

The other thing we covered today was "Who controls our emotions?" How many times have I said "You make me so angry!" or "You hurt my feelings." The fact is, no one can make us feel anything. Our emotions are a result of what is going on inside our heads. It's a hard concept for me to get my head around yet at the same time, I try to enact it in my life. I try to choose how I'm going to react and try to moderate my emotional reaction so that it's a reasonable one rather than an out of control one that I'm going to feel embarrassed about later.

There's a lot here to digest and I'm still sorting it out as I write. I'm glad I took this course with this instructor. She's good and the course material can be applied to real life. There aren't too many courses I can say that about.

Epic love

Love that transcends time and distance, love that grows stronger with the passage of time instead of withering and dying. It's the kind of love that the authors write about and little girls dream of.

I think this is the type of love many people dream of having. I'd like to say I dreamed of having an epic love but I didn't. How can one even dream of an epic love when one believes oneself to be unlovable?

I've since grown up and have learned that I really am lovable and somehow I ended up with a powerful, if not epic, love despite my early efforts to chase it away. When we're being flippant Alan and I attribute our sticking it out to each of us being stubborn and unwilling to admit defeat. In honesty it is due in part to that, but also, we're both the mate-for-life type. We choose a mate and come hell or high water, we're going to stay with that mate.

Through all of the fighting and growing pains we've managed to build a solid foundation despite a shaky start. What started out as affection and infatuation has grown into a deep bond, we are like one soul inhabiting two bodies. When he is gone I feel as if part of myself is missing. He has said much the same about my absences.

This closeness we share has made being apart this week a painful and lonely experience to be endured rather than the rare opportunity for alone time that it could be. Although, I have to confess, I did enjoy being able to watch the television programs that I don't normally get to watch because he prefers other types of programs.

Master came home last night and it was wonderful to see him again. I spent most of the evening just looking at him and re-memorizing his features. I would have spent time nuzzling him and taking in his scent if I could smell. Blast this stupid head cold anyhow.

This week apart has given me pause for thought and has reminded me to appreciate each day that I get to share with him. Each day is a gift.