Happy Birthday

Today I have become the mother of an 18-year-old manchild. 18 years ago today I gave birth to him. He came into this world tiny and wrinkled and apparently angry at being born so early. He was a premie but you can't tell it by looking at him today. He's taller than I am now and has a voice deeper than his father's.

When I look at him I can still see the silly little guy who'd laugh maniacally from the back seat of the car for seemingly no reason and whose laughter was infectious. You couldn't help but laugh when he did. He was a caring little guy too, in the waiting room of the doctor's office he'd go around and hand out magazines to folks who didn't have one. He felt everyone should have something to read. He still has those characteristics though he tries to hide them. It's not manly to care like he does you know. Or so he thinks anyway.

Still, I call him a manchild because he's still clinging tightly to childhood. He doesn't want to grow up you see. I think the only way he's going to is if we throw him from the nest and force him to fly alone. Next week he'll start his first "grown-up" job, he's going to work part-time with his father and will begin to save up for his impending independence. It's just a few short months away and I think we're both, his father and I, anxiously awaiting the date.

We love him, he's our child, but he's never going to grow up and learn to depend on himself if we let him stay here. We're both painfully aware of this though the mother in me has a hard time with pushing him out and forcing independence on him.

At the same time I'm looking forward. I can make use of his old room as my new home office. We'd get my unsightly computer desk out of the living room finally and maybe be able to add another piece of furniture so it's a little more cozy and hospitable in here.

I look forward too, to a little peace. There is always a tension with ZBoy, he's got it in his head that he's an adult and doesn't have to follow our rules or treat us with respect. Yet at the same time he wants us to parent and coddle him. It's tiring, everything is a fight, an argument, or a battle of wills. I wonder if other parents of teenagers go through this? Somehow I think it's just us, something to do with the way we've parented.

We've made a lot of mistakes, I was 16 when I gave birth to him, Master was 18. We weren't ready to be parents but my sense of responsibility wouldn't let me give him up. Maybe it was a maternal instinct, I don't know. I just knew I couldn't give my baby up. Some days I wonder if I've done him a disservice with that decision. It may seem selfish but he saved my life. I think that if it weren't for my responsibility and love for him I wouldn't have had any reason to improve myself. I don't believe that Master and I would have had any reason to stay together without him. Who knows though, that's a big what if.

I'm going to miss his presence here when he moves but at the same time I know I'm going to breath a sigh of relief.

Bits and Pieces

You know, sometimes all it takes is a simple conversation to open one's eyes. I didn't really realize just how completely I've adjusted, made the mental shift, from independent woman to owned slave.

I was talking to m'Lady about a situation and she pointed out that not all dynamics are similar to Master's and mine. I've become so immersed in his ownership of me that it's difficult for me to think outside of our dynamic at times. If he wants me to do something it gets done. In the area of job hunting, there wasn't the option of not finding a job. So, when I see the difficulties other couples have I have a hard time understanding why there's any problem at all. Maybe my thinking has become too simplistic? He wills, I do. It really is that simple for me. Of course there are times I'll drag my heels and he'll give me a gentle, or not so gentle, nudge to get moving.

This got me to thinking about other things that have just sort of come into being that I'm perfectly comfortable with. The checkbook is one of the major things. It was once my responsibility and then he sort of just took it over. I never know how much money we have in the bank (though I could look if I wanted to), I never have the check card unless I need to get fuel for my car or he's placed it into my hand to make payment when we're at the store. I needed fuel today and I asked him if I could have the check card, no qualms about asking, simply I needed fuel and needed access to money to get it. I'm content, and I think he is too, with this arrangement. It's just one more aspect of control he's taken or I've given or has shifted naturally. I'm just bemused by it all, it happened when I wasn't looking.

There are some further education classes I'd like to take to add to my personal resume. Throwing a Victorian Dinner Party, Massage for Stress Reduction, and Exploring the Teas of the World. I think these are excellent skills for Master's slave to have. Each class would enrich me as a person and would give me more skills that he could make use of. Of course only one of these classes works with my current schedule. Isn't that the way of things?

We're discussing options for my misbehaving uterus right now and I have to say, I really wish it wasn't necessary. Beyond a possible fibroid, it could just be screwy hormones. This is all pretty scary because of all the what ifs to consider. Each option has its side effects and possibility of failure. I wish there was one tried and true method that works all the time 100% that didn't involve uterus removal. *sigh*

Bad Boys

Have you ever found yourself cheering for the bad guy in the movies? Wishing he'd win in the end? Has that character ever made his way into your dreams?

I realized the other day, after watching The Phantom of the Opera, I fell a little in love with the Phantom. I could relate to his internal torture, he was gorgeous despite his deformities. His voice, his lips, his eyes, and the intensity of his love for Christine. I wanted her to love him, I willed her to love him, and cried with him when she chose Raoul. I wanted to kiss away his pain.

I'm always like this, I root for the bad guy, I fall for the bad boy. I think that's why I love the Anita Blake: Vampire Hunter series so much, eventually the girl falls for the bad boys.

But, even though I like the bad boy, I want him to be a good guy too. Yeah, I want to have my cake and eat it too. That's part of what drew me to Master, his bad boy side but there was more to it than that. Underneath he was tender and caring. He wrote endearing love letters to me, catered to my every want and need, and was a shy boy when we had our first kiss together. It's that whole package that draws me in and keeps me but initially, it's the bad boy, the misunderstood rebel, that piques my interest.

I'm in a bit of an introspective mood today. It all started last night at a play party when we were discussing my personality. M'Lady hit the nail on the head, as always, she said I'm not exactly a dominant personality but am very much about controlling my surroundings and my life. This would be what gets in my way when I'm trying to just submit to Master. This is what I get teased about and why people like to watch me during SM scenes. I give up control and just react for that small space of time.

10 Reasons I Love Master

10. He puts up with my mercurial moods.
09. He's the perfect match for me in almost every way
08. He can cook, well.
07. He's an iron marshmallow, on the outside he's tough but on the inside he's soft and sweet.
06. He's got a wicked sense of humor and a sharp wit.
05. He's the perfect adversary, loves to have debates.
04. He's extremely intelligent.
03. He is concerned about my well-being.
02. He loves me.
01. He shows his love for me in a million little ways each and every day.

Reunions

Today I got to see and be with M for the first time in nearly a year. We've both been so busy and free moments are rare. The planets all aligned today and Master ordered me to have fun, meaning to have M over for a romp in the sheets.

I was a little nervous, I hadn't been with him in such a long time and if it hadn't been for Master's order I might have actually found an excuse to not see M today. I guess I was afraid that maybe he wouldn't be attracted to me anymore, or that I wouldn't be attracted to him. I was afraid that maybe our passion for each other might have cooled. I should just listen to Master more often, he knows both of us and knows we can't keep our hands off of each other when we're in the same room.

Sex with M is different than sex with Master. M is a gentler type, likes soft sex with just a little bit of slap and tickle mixed in. He'll be rough if I ask for it but most of the time, he prefers it gentle. For the past few years he's been more indulgent with me, allowing me to do whatever I wish to him, which turns me on. Most of the time I take a lot of pleasure in teasing him mercilessly, bringing him close to orgasm and backing off, over and over again. By the time we're finished he dozes off for a few minutes to recuperate because I've exhausted him. I have to admit, it makes me feel good to see a man so well-satisfied and worn out. It tells me I've done my job right.

I wrote a detailed report e-mail to Master just a little while ago and I hope the retelling arouses him so that he will take me and use me hard tonight. I am nothing if not my Master's wanton slut. *smiles*

New Years and Starting the Plan

Well our New Year's celebration was pretty good. We spent the night with our Tribe and there was much laughter and merriment to be had. The only downside was Master finding a sheet of glass with his arm and getting a small cut. (long story) I got slightly irritated with him because he wasn't in a frame of mind to deal with the situation so I switched into "mom-mode" and got pretty grumpy about it. I felt out of sorts because he wasn't taking charge and I felt like I had to. There was no way I could leave a little pile of broken glass overnight and so near to where he was sleeping. Numerous visions of disaster flew through my mind at warp speed, any amorous mood I'd been feeling was swept away by the need to take care of the situation since no one else was able to. I don't know if he fully understands why I reacted the way I did.

Yesterday marked the beginning of my health improvement efforts and it started off pretty good. My weigh-in wasn't as disappointing as I'd expected it to be. I've only gained back six pounds of the 15 I'd lost last year. (six is FAR better than 15 and then some as I'd imagined)

I did my first round of Pilates for 20 minutes yesterday and am proud that I made it through. I SO didn't want to exercise yesterday. It wasn't too bad though my back did ache a little when I was finished and later last night the bottoms of my feet hurt (a sign that my sciatic nerves were pinched a little) but all in all I didn't feel too bad. Today however, is a different story. My muscle's muscles ache. My arms, which didn't really do much of anything yesterday, hurt, my sides hurt, my back, my legs and most especially my abdomen. Pilates is really effective for targeting every muscle in your body. I'm going to do another round tomorrow achy muscles and all. This should earn me frequent flyer miles or something on my masochist's card don'tcha think? *grinning*

I hope that by the end of this month my body becomes accustomed to the exercise and begins to grow stronger. Okay, so I'm hoping my muscles will tone up and I'll look better too but mostly I want to be stronger, I want more stamina.