Warning: Depressed ranting and venting with just a little whining thrown in for spice. If this isn't what you're looking for, read no further.
I'm feeling pretty down these days. The pain is out of control and I feel helpless against it. I'm pushing through my days because I have to, because I'm expected to. When I get home there's nothing left, I have nothing left in me, I just want to curl up and not exist. I don't want to talk to anyone, I don't want to be talked to, I just want to be left alone. The pain has become the focus of my life again. It'd be very easy to say "Don't focus on it, focus on something else" but when each step, each breath, each movement is filled with pain I ask "How?"
Master is optimistic, he thinks the pain will get better like it did the last time. I think he's dreaming. I guess his view is better than mine spending the next year, or however long it takes before I can afford to have surgery to fix the problems, in this kind of pain. Yes, I'm having dark thoughts, wondering if a life with this kind of pain is going to be worth living. I was almost pain free before last Thursday! I was almost normal, almost human, almost not controlled by pain. And then suddenly I'm back to square one and not even able to sit on the couch and watch TV without having to shift position a million and one times because it hurts. I'm miserable. My whole body hurts and nothing is helping.
I don't know what the doctor will say tomorrow and I guess it doesn't really matter because I can't do what it will take to fix the problem. So why even go? Why bother? My options are extremely limited, I can have the epidural (which didn't work before) or the surgery (which I can't afford and may never be able to afford). So, I ask, what is the fricking point when I'm going to have to take Option C, continue on as I have been and just survive? The only reason I'll go is to get answers, to find out exactly what I've broken this time.
It's all just starting to feel pointless. No I'm not threatening suicide, the thoughts are there yes, but I'm just not the type to follow through. Being the sadomasochist that I am I'd rather torture myself with thoughts of oblivion, release, relief, but not allow myself to have those things.
I'm just wondering why bother trying for more, for something better, when I'm not going to be able to enjoy it. Master will probably get upset with me for these thoughts, for my being so negative, but I can't help it. I FEEL negative. It's hard to be positive when I hurt from head to toe. The only positive I feel is positive that I hurt today and today is all I can see right now.
I'm running on empty here and I can't get past the pain.
Thursday, August 31, 2006
Saturday, August 26, 2006
Peevish
I've reinjured my back, I was working out and poof, there it went. So, I'm undergoing another MRI and followup with the pain doc. I'm pretty well at peace with it at this point. I can't undo it, much as I'd like to. I'm working on getting past the feelings of being a burden on Master. He says I insult him by suggesting that he'd be the type of person who would consider anyone in his care, a burden. The man has a point so, I concede and I apologize for the insult. I purposely avoided posting here for the past few days so I didn't fill this space with the pitypoorme crap that I've been doing in private e-mails to certain loved ones and support groups.
Last night Master and I were watching this show on cable on a channel named WE (Women's Entertainment). The show was called Secret Lives of Women: Fetishes. Well I just HAD to watch it when I saw that title. For the most part the show was interesting, however; there was a woman on there who was a slave whose outlook on slavery kind of hit my buttons. She said that as a slave she's no longer responsible for her choices, for the consequences of any decisions made, etc. You get the point I'm sure. This line of thinking always irks me. Consensual slavery is *not* an abdication of responsibility in my book. In fact, I see it as a greater responsibility in that I am answerable to another, not just to myself.
I think I can see where she was going with it in that there is a mental game one can play with oneself when one is having difficulty getting past certain social conditionings such as "good girls don't..." When Master tells you to do it then you're not really doing it of your own volition right? This then means that you're not responsible for it, right? This is great when you're just starting out or when you're pushing limits but, there should come a point where you realize that you really are responsible for each and every decision you've made. If you're driving Master somewhere and he tells you to speed to get there and you get pulled over for speeding "Master told me to do it" isn't going to go over very well with the police officer and it certainly won't get you out of the ticket. It would be about as effective as "the devil made me do it."
One of my biggest pet peeves is people not taking personal responsibility for their actions. Slave or not, I am still responsible for my choices, regardless of whether or not I'm following orders. It's not as if choosing to be his slave was the last choice I ever made. Consensual slavery is a path of constant choices, with each day, with each order, I make the choice to obey, to complete a task. No matter how nice a fantasy it might be, Master will not be the only person dealing with the consequences of choices made. Every consequence and outcome will affect both of us whether I was following Master's orders or not.
I've tried very hard to instill the value of personal responsibility in each of our children, I think I came to it too late with our son and our oldest daughter. Too many of their early years were spent with me still living under the shroud of victim. All these horrible things had happened and were happening to me, I was helpless to stop them. They were half-grown by the time I realized I could effect change in my life, before I became personally empowered. Too little too late? I don't know. All I can do now is live, and teach, by example.
Last night Master and I were watching this show on cable on a channel named WE (Women's Entertainment). The show was called Secret Lives of Women: Fetishes. Well I just HAD to watch it when I saw that title. For the most part the show was interesting, however; there was a woman on there who was a slave whose outlook on slavery kind of hit my buttons. She said that as a slave she's no longer responsible for her choices, for the consequences of any decisions made, etc. You get the point I'm sure. This line of thinking always irks me. Consensual slavery is *not* an abdication of responsibility in my book. In fact, I see it as a greater responsibility in that I am answerable to another, not just to myself.
I think I can see where she was going with it in that there is a mental game one can play with oneself when one is having difficulty getting past certain social conditionings such as "good girls don't..." When Master tells you to do it then you're not really doing it of your own volition right? This then means that you're not responsible for it, right? This is great when you're just starting out or when you're pushing limits but, there should come a point where you realize that you really are responsible for each and every decision you've made. If you're driving Master somewhere and he tells you to speed to get there and you get pulled over for speeding "Master told me to do it" isn't going to go over very well with the police officer and it certainly won't get you out of the ticket. It would be about as effective as "the devil made me do it."
One of my biggest pet peeves is people not taking personal responsibility for their actions. Slave or not, I am still responsible for my choices, regardless of whether or not I'm following orders. It's not as if choosing to be his slave was the last choice I ever made. Consensual slavery is a path of constant choices, with each day, with each order, I make the choice to obey, to complete a task. No matter how nice a fantasy it might be, Master will not be the only person dealing with the consequences of choices made. Every consequence and outcome will affect both of us whether I was following Master's orders or not.
I've tried very hard to instill the value of personal responsibility in each of our children, I think I came to it too late with our son and our oldest daughter. Too many of their early years were spent with me still living under the shroud of victim. All these horrible things had happened and were happening to me, I was helpless to stop them. They were half-grown by the time I realized I could effect change in my life, before I became personally empowered. Too little too late? I don't know. All I can do now is live, and teach, by example.
Thursday, August 24, 2006
Goings On
It's been busy around here lately. School started today for the youngest girl and school starts next week for me and the oldest girl. Our computer decided to have a nervous breakdown (we think the motherboard is fried) and we're using the old computer that had been given to the kids to use.
I feel sort of lonely today, I'm not accustomed to being alone, I got so used to having HRS here and doing things with her. Now I'm back to seeing her for maybe an hour a day, if that, during the week. Ahh well, enough of the pity party.
School starts next week for me and I'm nervous about it. I'm taking accounting 101 and math is SO not my subject. I want to do well but I worry that I won't. Maybe I'd feel better about it if I knew I'd have time to actually study.
I feel sort of lonely today, I'm not accustomed to being alone, I got so used to having HRS here and doing things with her. Now I'm back to seeing her for maybe an hour a day, if that, during the week. Ahh well, enough of the pity party.
School starts next week for me and I'm nervous about it. I'm taking accounting 101 and math is SO not my subject. I want to do well but I worry that I won't. Maybe I'd feel better about it if I knew I'd have time to actually study.
Monday, August 14, 2006
Pain = Arousal?
It's kind of ironic, one of the things I hate the most (being helpless, blindfolded, and "tortured") is one of the things that creates the biggest arousal response in me. I get a flood of moisture between my legs every time. The thing is, I don't feel mentally or physically aroused. I don't usually eroticize the pain, it's just pain, something to be felt, to be endured for him.
Yet, yesterday, after he'd had me bound, blindfolded, and "tortured" me, when he felt between my legs I was sopping wet. This is an arousal response in me that doesn't happen to that extent very often. Most of the time I'm very controlled in everything, even my arousal. *shrugs*
In the past I've rationalized that my masochism grew out of the self-mutilation that I practiced once upon a time. I thought it seemed like a reasonable explanation at the time. However, after yesterday's experience (remind me why I was eager to buy the Wartenburg Wheel??) I'm reconsidering. I mean there I was totally cold going into this, not aroused in the slightest, he did things to me that leave me begging for mercy and wishing I had the "right" to say stop when I'd had enough, and my body decides this is arousing. It's not the first time it's happened, it's just the first time I've really sat and thought about it. The other times there were things happening that were arousing to me so I guess I didn't give it much thought.
I guess what I'm getting around to saying is that I must be wired for pain, to like it even when I hate it and believe me, I really do hate being on the receiving end of the Wartenburg Wheel. No matter how determined I am to take it stoically, as soon as he starts in I'm reduced to a whimpering thing, begging him to stop and trying in vain to escape. And here comes the irony, I'd have been disappointed if he didn't do things like that to me. I sit here and shake my head at myself, I'm one big contradiction walking.
Yet, yesterday, after he'd had me bound, blindfolded, and "tortured" me, when he felt between my legs I was sopping wet. This is an arousal response in me that doesn't happen to that extent very often. Most of the time I'm very controlled in everything, even my arousal. *shrugs*
In the past I've rationalized that my masochism grew out of the self-mutilation that I practiced once upon a time. I thought it seemed like a reasonable explanation at the time. However, after yesterday's experience (remind me why I was eager to buy the Wartenburg Wheel??) I'm reconsidering. I mean there I was totally cold going into this, not aroused in the slightest, he did things to me that leave me begging for mercy and wishing I had the "right" to say stop when I'd had enough, and my body decides this is arousing. It's not the first time it's happened, it's just the first time I've really sat and thought about it. The other times there were things happening that were arousing to me so I guess I didn't give it much thought.
I guess what I'm getting around to saying is that I must be wired for pain, to like it even when I hate it and believe me, I really do hate being on the receiving end of the Wartenburg Wheel. No matter how determined I am to take it stoically, as soon as he starts in I'm reduced to a whimpering thing, begging him to stop and trying in vain to escape. And here comes the irony, I'd have been disappointed if he didn't do things like that to me. I sit here and shake my head at myself, I'm one big contradiction walking.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)