Yawning Chasm

Warning: Depressed ranting and venting with just a little whining thrown in for spice. If this isn't what you're looking for, read no further.

I'm feeling pretty down these days. The pain is out of control and I feel helpless against it. I'm pushing through my days because I have to, because I'm expected to. When I get home there's nothing left, I have nothing left in me, I just want to curl up and not exist. I don't want to talk to anyone, I don't want to be talked to, I just want to be left alone. The pain has become the focus of my life again. It'd be very easy to say "Don't focus on it, focus on something else" but when each step, each breath, each movement is filled with pain I ask "How?"

Master is optimistic, he thinks the pain will get better like it did the last time. I think he's dreaming. I guess his view is better than mine spending the next year, or however long it takes before I can afford to have surgery to fix the problems, in this kind of pain. Yes, I'm having dark thoughts, wondering if a life with this kind of pain is going to be worth living. I was almost pain free before last Thursday! I was almost normal, almost human, almost not controlled by pain. And then suddenly I'm back to square one and not even able to sit on the couch and watch TV without having to shift position a million and one times because it hurts. I'm miserable. My whole body hurts and nothing is helping.

I don't know what the doctor will say tomorrow and I guess it doesn't really matter because I can't do what it will take to fix the problem. So why even go? Why bother? My options are extremely limited, I can have the epidural (which didn't work before) or the surgery (which I can't afford and may never be able to afford). So, I ask, what is the fricking point when I'm going to have to take Option C, continue on as I have been and just survive? The only reason I'll go is to get answers, to find out exactly what I've broken this time.

It's all just starting to feel pointless. No I'm not threatening suicide, the thoughts are there yes, but I'm just not the type to follow through. Being the sadomasochist that I am I'd rather torture myself with thoughts of oblivion, release, relief, but not allow myself to have those things.

I'm just wondering why bother trying for more, for something better, when I'm not going to be able to enjoy it. Master will probably get upset with me for these thoughts, for my being so negative, but I can't help it. I FEEL negative. It's hard to be positive when I hurt from head to toe. The only positive I feel is positive that I hurt today and today is all I can see right now.

I'm running on empty here and I can't get past the pain.