Well, I'm late getting into this, but here goes... You've come closer to what I
was trying to address in my post on this topic that made so many people angry. I
think, with you, that "playing" with The Beast is dangerous business. We don't
do it. Unlike you, I find that The Beast in Master is the darkest of His
personality -- that within Him that is beyond His control and is NOT sane. I
have seen it and survived, but I do believe that it is possible that an
encounter with The Beast could be damaging, destructive, even deadly. He doesn't
want that, and I don't court it. I really do believe that those who say they
crave "The Beast" are longing for something primal, but are longing for
something that is far more restrained than the darkest depths that a totally
unrestrained human could go to.
I wholeheartedly agree that it is dangerous business, which is why we don't do it very often at all. The Beast in my Master is also the darkest part of his personality but it is well-caged today. In the past I'm not sure it was restrained at all, he's worked hard over the past several years to learn to control it and bulid a cage around it. I worry about mentioning this part of him, or having others see it, because I know someone somewhere is going to jump to conclusions or develop a negative view of him. I don't want to cast him in a bad light because his is a very good and very honorable man who loves and cares for me with all of his being. He has very strong limits where I'm concerned and absolutely refuses to do anything that will harm me. I'm hoping to get him to share his side of this at some point because I'm sure I'm losing something in the translation. Maybe if I ask nicely enough Master will write a guest post about the Beast from his perspective.
I think you're quite right, swan, in that some folks who long for the Beast might just be longing for something more primal, like a good rough f*ck as opposed to gentle love-making, instead of the full show. I'd like to say that yes, that's exactly what I'm longing for but that's not so. Primal is the norm for us, it's part of both our natures we've never done gentle love-making we've always f*cked and believe me there is a difference between the two. Sometimes I do want the full show and consequences be damned.
The reality is that there is a part of me that craves to be objectfied, to be reduced to being seen as nothing more than a vehicle for his pleasure, whatever that may be. I do sometimes crave to be used and left bruised and bleeding afterwards. As I mentioned in my original post, I have in me the other side of the coin, the partner to the Beast, prey. That part needs to be allowed out occasionally and when it gets out, so does the Beast. Sure we could "play", he could tie me up and pretend to menace me but we both know it isn't real and therefore, doesn't satisfy the need.
We have something else in common, he and I, we can't stop thinking and it takes quite a bit to make either of us stop thinking and just feel. That's part of the draw of intense S&M and edgeplay. It can take us to a place where the outside world no longer exists, nothing exists but the moment, the pain, and the other person. For us it not only sates our sadomasochistic appetites, it serves as stress relief and relaxation. As a side note there are gentler actvities that we do enjoy, such as fire cupping, but they don't serve the same purpose or meet the same needs.
When the Beast comes out Master's eyes change into hard glittering bits of stone, his voice becomes a coarse growling whisper, his posture becomes more aggressive, and his body becomes unyeilding. I swear his hands become harder, more solid. Just writing about it makes my heart beat a little faster and my breath come a little quicker. In person it's more powerful, in addition to the changes in my breathing and heart rate bits of my personality peel away leaving the prey which acts on instinct alone. I am fully living in my body at these times and not thinking of anything beyond the moment and meeting whatever demands he makes on my body. Sometimes it's about him just taking what is his, sometimes it's about me fighting to keep from being taken, sometimes it's about humiliation and degradation, and sometimes it's all of the above. I don't like anal sex, it simply isn't enjoyable to me and often leaves me feeling phyiscally ill, when we play with the Beast and the prey he'll force anal sex and I'll fight it. Sometimes he wins, sometimes I do. Again, I will agree that surely there are less dangerous activities that can be done to achieve this state but none are as satisfying for me and for all I know, for him too.
Part of one such scene stands out in my mind very clearly. It was a few years ago, I'd been b*tchy the night before and it carried over into the next morning; I was craving play and at the time wasn't very good at articulating my needs or wants so I often went without because I couldn't/wouldn't say "Please I need___" and then would have a poor attitude and bratty behavior because I was going without. Needless to say, he punished me for my behavior and attitude. In the process the Beast came out. He forced my mouth down onto his cock and held me there by my hair until I gagged, wrapped his hands around my neck and strangled me until I gagged and nearly vomitted, and had me get onto all fours and wrapped his belt around my neck and used it as a leash while he f*cked me using it to pull my head up. The belt cut off my air almost as well as his hands and cock did and this was erotic for me, I had an orgasm during this bit. After he finished, he removed the belt from my neck and sat on the bed while I lay there. He stroked my hair, my cheek, my body, soothing me, loving me. I remember sliding off the bed onto the floor and groveling at his feet, kissing them, and hugging his legs. Not from fear, not from a need to appease his anger (he wasn't angry), but in thanks for the correction and for using me. I was grateful for the attention and thoroughly enjoyed the orgasm I'd had. I was also grateful for the relief I felt afterwards, I was relieved of all stress and negativity I'd been feeling through that scene.
This is often the way the Beast manifests between us, it is almost always sexual, though I've known it to rear its head when he's feeling a little extra sadistic during S&M play at play parties (we don't have the privacy at home very often to do much S&M play).
If pushed to actually define this part of him I would say Master is a sexual sadomasochist with a major exception, most of the time he does want me to enjoy whatever he is doing where a true sexual sadist doesn't care about his/her counterpart's pleasure. The only time he's unconcerned with my pleasure is when the Beast is out and then I'm not concerned with my pleasure either.
I would guess that it is his love for me that keeps the Beast caged enough that he can keep it from harming me. Though it isn't perfect, the unintentional has happened. Although as many of us can attest, the unintentional can happen during any sort of play. This is why he and I ascribe to R.A.C.K (Risk Aware Consensual Kink) as opposed to S.S.C. A lot of S&M play is not safe. It can be made safer, yes, but not 100% safe. Sane? That's a very subjective term and each of us interprets it differently. Even consensual can be subjective because of consensual non-consent, some would see that as an abusive situation. I prefer a term that is less open to interpretation, not to mention, it does apply to us better than S.S.C. We're very aware of the risks of everything we do and don't usually consent to do a thing until we're aware of the risks. I mentioned breath control play a few paragraphs ago. When we realized it was a turn-on for both of us we researched it to learn about the dangers and to find if there were ways to make it safer.
I don't mean to sound careless about unintentional harm. There was an instance when the Beast was out where I was harmed, emotionally and mentally. It took time, work, and communication to heal those hurts but we did heal them and we learned from the experience. As a result we take more steps to minimize the risk of unintentional harm. For instance, we don't play after an argument. The argument must be completely over and resolved for both of us. Another safeguard is that he rarely (if ever) initiates this type of play. I go to him and ask for it, this ensures that my mindset is right for it and if he's not in the right mood/mindset we just don't go there. Physical harm hasn't really been a concern. He's not going to hit me, it's simply not his M.O. strangulation is, and he retains enough of himself that he is still able to respond to my signals of distress. The bottom line is that he doesn't want to harm or kill me and that is his override switch, it keeps him in control even though it may appear to be a tenuous control. He's also got a strong sense of self-preservation; he realizes that if the Beast ever got out of the cage the part that makes him who he is would die and the Beast would never go back into the cage. He likes himself, likes the man he's become, and wants to keep that alive.
I do feel the need to reiterate that I feel playing with the Beast is most certainly a dangerous activity, possibly moreso than anything else we (general we) do. I would never say otherwise. What I am saying is that Master and I have assessed the risk together and have decided that for us, the benefits outweigh the risks.
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