Peevish

I've reinjured my back, I was working out and poof, there it went. So, I'm undergoing another MRI and followup with the pain doc. I'm pretty well at peace with it at this point. I can't undo it, much as I'd like to. I'm working on getting past the feelings of being a burden on Master. He says I insult him by suggesting that he'd be the type of person who would consider anyone in his care, a burden. The man has a point so, I concede and I apologize for the insult. I purposely avoided posting here for the past few days so I didn't fill this space with the pitypoorme crap that I've been doing in private e-mails to certain loved ones and support groups.

Last night Master and I were watching this show on cable on a channel named WE (Women's Entertainment). The show was called Secret Lives of Women: Fetishes. Well I just HAD to watch it when I saw that title. For the most part the show was interesting, however; there was a woman on there who was a slave whose outlook on slavery kind of hit my buttons. She said that as a slave she's no longer responsible for her choices, for the consequences of any decisions made, etc. You get the point I'm sure. This line of thinking always irks me. Consensual slavery is *not* an abdication of responsibility in my book. In fact, I see it as a greater responsibility in that I am answerable to another, not just to myself.

I think I can see where she was going with it in that there is a mental game one can play with oneself when one is having difficulty getting past certain social conditionings such as "good girls don't..." When Master tells you to do it then you're not really doing it of your own volition right? This then means that you're not responsible for it, right? This is great when you're just starting out or when you're pushing limits but, there should come a point where you realize that you really are responsible for each and every decision you've made. If you're driving Master somewhere and he tells you to speed to get there and you get pulled over for speeding "Master told me to do it" isn't going to go over very well with the police officer and it certainly won't get you out of the ticket. It would be about as effective as "the devil made me do it."

One of my biggest pet peeves is people not taking personal responsibility for their actions. Slave or not, I am still responsible for my choices, regardless of whether or not I'm following orders. It's not as if choosing to be his slave was the last choice I ever made. Consensual slavery is a path of constant choices, with each day, with each order, I make the choice to obey, to complete a task. No matter how nice a fantasy it might be, Master will not be the only person dealing with the consequences of choices made. Every consequence and outcome will affect both of us whether I was following Master's orders or not.

I've tried very hard to instill the value of personal responsibility in each of our children, I think I came to it too late with our son and our oldest daughter. Too many of their early years were spent with me still living under the shroud of victim. All these horrible things had happened and were happening to me, I was helpless to stop them. They were half-grown by the time I realized I could effect change in my life, before I became personally empowered. Too little too late? I don't know. All I can do now is live, and teach, by example.