It's kind of ironic, one of the things I hate the most (being helpless, blindfolded, and "tortured") is one of the things that creates the biggest arousal response in me. I get a flood of moisture between my legs every time. The thing is, I don't feel mentally or physically aroused. I don't usually eroticize the pain, it's just pain, something to be felt, to be endured for him.
Yet, yesterday, after he'd had me bound, blindfolded, and "tortured" me, when he felt between my legs I was sopping wet. This is an arousal response in me that doesn't happen to that extent very often. Most of the time I'm very controlled in everything, even my arousal. *shrugs*
In the past I've rationalized that my masochism grew out of the self-mutilation that I practiced once upon a time. I thought it seemed like a reasonable explanation at the time. However, after yesterday's experience (remind me why I was eager to buy the Wartenburg Wheel??) I'm reconsidering. I mean there I was totally cold going into this, not aroused in the slightest, he did things to me that leave me begging for mercy and wishing I had the "right" to say stop when I'd had enough, and my body decides this is arousing. It's not the first time it's happened, it's just the first time I've really sat and thought about it. The other times there were things happening that were arousing to me so I guess I didn't give it much thought.
I guess what I'm getting around to saying is that I must be wired for pain, to like it even when I hate it and believe me, I really do hate being on the receiving end of the Wartenburg Wheel. No matter how determined I am to take it stoically, as soon as he starts in I'm reduced to a whimpering thing, begging him to stop and trying in vain to escape. And here comes the irony, I'd have been disappointed if he didn't do things like that to me. I sit here and shake my head at myself, I'm one big contradiction walking.
2 comments:
I've been experiencing the same problem. (at least to me it's a problem) I actually am beginning to hate all forms of sex, and the only time I feel physical arousal is when I experience pain. I can get arousal from simple "innocent" things, but basically if I go past 2nd base I go from aroused to panicked. The act of pain actually helps me stay focused on the arousal instead of the panic.
I know this was likely a personal post of yours, and I'm sorry for dumping on it. I was feeling alone though, and it was comforting to know that even if I have a problem, I'm not totally unique in it. It gives me hope that it can change.
Amanda,
Your comment is fine, no worries here. I'm glad you don't feel so alone and that you feel hopeful. Most of the time I am writing for me or my Masters but if anyone can get something good out of my writings that's a bonus.
I can only guess as to the reason behind the issue you're having. But maybe start there, find the reason, and that will be the starting point for you to make changes. I really do wish you all the best.
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