The Beast

Disclaimer: This is not an attack against anyone's point of view or preferences, nor is this a recommendation to try this type of "play". This is just my point of view borne from my own experiences and introspection.

I'd wanted to write a sort of essay about this subject though there aren't that many resources to pull from. Just my personal experience and rememberance of an article I read a year or so ago that I can no longer find.

When I talk about The Beast, which is a term I first saw coined by a dominant (whose article I can no longer find online) who was writing about the deepest darkest part of his sadism, I am talking about that part of Master that he keeps locked tightly in a cage lest it get out and wreak havoc on our lives. I have jokingly called it his inner serial killer but it's no joke, it is that part of him that can maim and kill without a second thought. And, for some reason, it's the part of him I like to rub up against from time to time.

I have something in me that is like the other side of that coin but that I have no word for. Not victim, a victim doesn't give consent. Perhaps prey is the closest I can come to describing the part in me that answers the call of his Beast. Though I realize that prey doesn't exactly give consent either, it's the best word I've got for now.

The other day swan mentioned that the Beast is something she and her Master don't like to see very often, which got me to thinking about my own situation and perceptions. I'll say that I'm not ready to entertain the Beast very often, nor is Master willing to let me too near the cage either. He doesn't like the emptiness he feels and fears for my safety I think. I also have a healthy enough sense of self-preservation that I don't like to tempt fate too often. Perhaps this sense of self-preservation is a type of fear? However, as I've already said, there is something in me that needs that sort of interaction every once in a great while. It's draining for both of us, physically and emotionally. For Master he has to let go, sort of divorce himself from his emotions; go empty. For me, I have to hang on and remember things said during that time aren't meant, they're all part of the moment, the experience. I won't lie, feelings have gotten hurt in the past. We've dealt with those hurt feelings and moved on.

But, I don't fear The Beast because I trust Master implicitly. I trust that he has enough self-control that he won't go too far, I trust in his love for me and that he can't completely divorce himself from those emotions. Some might say I trust too much, that too much is left to chance, but if it weren't I wonder if the encounter would be enough to satisfy my inner prey.

When we do this dance, the dance of Beast and prey, it isn't about pleasure, definitely not my pleasure. It's a need in me that has to be fulfilled, a need to be totally debased, used, degraded even, and yes, physically hurt. In that moment I don't want him to be careful of me, attending to my wants, my pleasures, I want him to sate his inner sadist's lust, to slake his thirst with my body, which is what he does.

I don't expect anyone to understand this. It's definitely not a death wish, nor a sense of “I deserve this”. It's just another facet of who I am, perhaps it's a part of my masochism. I honestly don't know.

What I do know is that to thrive I need those occasional encounters. I need to be so caught up in the moment that there is no room for other thoughts, I need to be used so thoroughly that I ache for days afterwards, I need to be able to fight back without fear of reprisals. In the Beast I find all that, and afterwards, when the Beast is sated and I can see that the Master I know and love is definitely alive and well behind those so brown eyes, I'm wrapped in arms of love and comfort. We comfort each other then, help each other come back to ourselves, tend each other's wounds, and clean each other up. Then we spend the rest of the day/evening cuddling and just being together. This is the balance.

It's not for everyone, it's certainly not safe, and it's not something I recommend without a lot of safety nets and self-control. But it is part of my relationship with Master it's a part of who we are as individuals and as a couple. We've found acceptance of those parts of ourselves in each other.

Without a doubt, this is edge play in the extreme and I don't recommend it to anyone. There is a higher risk of things going wrong than with things going right. However, for Master and I, the benefits right now outweigh the risks.