I'm feeling very frustrated lately. A gal on one of my e-mail lists posted a story about living with chronic illness/pain in an effort to share what it's like with folks who don't understand. The main character of the story used a handful of spoons to illustrate her point. Each day she starts out with a handful of "spoons" and each activity she does costs her a "spoon". Some things cost more "spoons" than others and if she does too much she'll be borrowing against the next day's "spoons". If you're out of "spoons" that's it, you've got nothing left for that day, no energy, nothing. The main character learned "spoon" management, she is selective about how she uses her "spoons" and tries to keep at least one in reserve for those "just-in-case situations". That story really hit home with me. I feel like I'm in a "spoon" deficit.
It seems that since I took this new full-time job I have fewer and fewer spoons each day. My pain levels have increased to the point that I no longer have good days (aka pain free or relatively pain free). My pain levels run between 5 and 8 all the time (on a scale of 1-10).
I feel very stuck right now, there's no point in seeing the pain doc even if I could take the time off, he'll want to do the discogram, which I can't afford just now. It won't matter what he finds anyway, I'm not eligible for short or long-term disability until Dec of this year. I've only been at this job for a bit over a month, something tells me they won't appreciate me taking off for a few months to have disc fusion surgery. I can't afford to lose this job or the benefits I have. The Boss is depending on me, and the income I'm bringing in, to help dig us out of our financial hole. So I grit my teeth and bear it.
I'm sure the doc could up my meds but I'm sleepy 24/7 as it is and that's even when I'm taking 2 Ritalin SR every day. I don't think I could function on higher doses. There's also the possibility that he'll want to just wean me off the Duragesic patch and start over. I don't know if that's something I could work through; ever go through drug withdrawals? I did by accident, I didn't have my patch securely attached and spent about12 hours in withdrawal. I felt so awful, sick, shaky, and the pain levels were through the roof. I SO don't want to experience that again, not even a little bit. Lucky me the patch causes physical dependency, go without it too long and you get to experience drug withdrawal. Knowing my luck the same is true of my other pain med too.
I know what my body needs, part-time hours or no work at all. Unfortunately I can't give up this job and there isn't an option for part-time hours. I'm not even supposed to have any time off until mid-March, it's a sort of probationary period. So I can't even think about seeing the doc until then, if I were so inclined.
I feel like I'm doomed to be in pain forever. I'm scared that I'm going to end up needing a cane or a wheelchair. I'm fiercely independent and I hate having to lean on others for help. I probably push myself harder than I should but I refuse to let my physical problems deter me from living my life. Still, I can't help but feel that they're going to whether I'm willing or not.
The doctor says exercise, take walks. I've done that for a month now and by Friday each week I can barely walk because of the pain. Now what? I'd swim but I don't have a membership anywhere that has a pool. I suppose I could see if the Mercy Wellness Center would still honor my membership with them.
I don't like talking to the Boss about it too much, he wants to fix it but he can't, and he gets as frustrated as I do.
This is just me venting and whining. On my "good" days, when I've got a better attitude, I just deal with it. The pain is part of my life and something I just have to live with for now, possibly for the rest of my life. Having a fit and feeling sorry for myself won't change any of that.
Monday, January 29, 2007
Monday, January 08, 2007
Control Cravings
I've been thinking. Yes, again, maybe still is more accurate. Just before things went south I was craving more dominance. I'd asked The Boss about me surrendering my driver's license and identification to him when I'm at home. I wanted to feel as if my movements were more tightly controlled by him. Not that I go anywhere without his permission anyway, but it just seemed like something that would give me that feeling of tighter control.
He wasn't amenable to the idea at the time stating that it just wasn't his cuppa. I understood and accepted his decision without further comment and didn't really give it much further thought.
It seems that my need for more control didn't just go away, as I'd thought. It sort of went into hibernation while I was in crisis mode. With most of the crises passed I find that I'm floundering and I'm wanting to surrender again, more, whatever. At the same time, that need for more control seems to be reawakening and coming out of hibernation. So instead of a simple craving for more control, I'm feeling desperate and out of control and The Boss isn't ready yet to retake the reins, much less pull them tighter. It almost feels like deja vu. 8 or 9 years ago I began exploring my submissive side and wanted to explore with The Boss, he wasn't ready. He allowed me to explore with another for about two years before he decided he was ready to explore with me.
I'm, understandably I think, worried that we've got the same situation again. Only this time I am working full time, during Sir's free time. I don't know if there is an easy solution. I feel guilty over writing about it, I don't want The Boss to feel worse than he already does. I've just got to write it out. He says he understands, he doesn't feel badly.
But where does all of this leave us? Inquiring minds want to know. Frazzled slaves want to know too.
I need play time, I need service time, and I need time to surrender. But do I want to do any of that with someone other than The Boss? Whose responsibility is it to make sure my needs are met? Part of me feels like I should put my needs aside in favor of his. I just wish things were different and that we didn't have to answer these questions.
He wasn't amenable to the idea at the time stating that it just wasn't his cuppa. I understood and accepted his decision without further comment and didn't really give it much further thought.
It seems that my need for more control didn't just go away, as I'd thought. It sort of went into hibernation while I was in crisis mode. With most of the crises passed I find that I'm floundering and I'm wanting to surrender again, more, whatever. At the same time, that need for more control seems to be reawakening and coming out of hibernation. So instead of a simple craving for more control, I'm feeling desperate and out of control and The Boss isn't ready yet to retake the reins, much less pull them tighter. It almost feels like deja vu. 8 or 9 years ago I began exploring my submissive side and wanted to explore with The Boss, he wasn't ready. He allowed me to explore with another for about two years before he decided he was ready to explore with me.
I'm, understandably I think, worried that we've got the same situation again. Only this time I am working full time, during Sir's free time. I don't know if there is an easy solution. I feel guilty over writing about it, I don't want The Boss to feel worse than he already does. I've just got to write it out. He says he understands, he doesn't feel badly.
But where does all of this leave us? Inquiring minds want to know. Frazzled slaves want to know too.
I need play time, I need service time, and I need time to surrender. But do I want to do any of that with someone other than The Boss? Whose responsibility is it to make sure my needs are met? Part of me feels like I should put my needs aside in favor of his. I just wish things were different and that we didn't have to answer these questions.
Sunday, January 07, 2007
It's my Pity Party (I'll cry if I want to)
I’ve been feeling pretty sorry for myself today. When I woke up this morning I was numb in the saddle region (the parts of the body that make contact with a saddle as you sit on it) and up a few inches inside my vagina. The numbness didn’t stop there however, it went up the left side of my back and wrapped around my left breast. That was a first.
The Boss wanted sex this morning and I was willing until he wanted to perform oral on me. I tried to stop him with “Honey, I won’t be able to feel it..” but then I realized that it wasn’t being done for my pleasure but for his. So I shut my mouth and tried to relax and enjoy the sensations I could feel. It’s a strange thing, being f*cked but not really feeling it. I could feel it if he went deep but other than that I could only feel the pressure of him there. I guess I should be thankful I have that much sensation. But I’m not, I’m angry because I only have that much sensation sometimes.
That isn’t to say I’m always that numb but it happens more and more often for longer periods of time; most frequently first thing in the morning after a night of sleep, or at the end of a work day. It seems to happen when I try to have an orgasm too. I go numb very quickly when I’m lying on my back. But wouldn’t you know it, lying on my back is about one of the only positions I can orgasm in. I don’t orgasm easily to begin with, I can’t G-spot orgasm at all so having a numb clitoris *really* puts a damper on things. It’s pretty frustrating and mostly I just try to avoid it. I’d rather not try and go weeks without orgasm than try and end up more frustrated because I’m extremely aroused and can’t bring myself off due to the numbness. So you see m problem. I love sex but sometimes I really hate it.
I guess this works in The Boss’s favor, he enjoys orgasm denial for me. Ninety-nine percent of the time I’m content with it too, it’s just that one percent of the time, when it’s been weeks since my last orgasm, or attempted orgasm, that I get a little cranky about it. Most of the time I won’t even ask for orgasm. On average I might ask once every two to three weeks. I know that he’s picked up on my orgasm avoidance. I think it plays a part in his lack of offering them. I don’t know how to feel about that. I guess I should be thankful that he’s sparing me that frustration but it feels more like he’s sparing himself. It takes far too long to get me to orgasm when we are successful and it’s most definitely a joint effort. I’m envious of my friends who can orgasm almost at the drop of a hat.
Lately I’ve been avoiding sex altogether. I’m just tired of being frustrated. I can only handle being repeatedly aroused and left to stew so much. I can handle failed orgasms even less. It’s easier to not think about sex at all than to be aroused and get him off knowing the whole time that I may not get off for days or weeks. Yeah it’s selfish, I can’t help that. I like to get off too.
I wrote the other day about loss of SM desire and The Boss and I being basically vanilla. I was a lot closer to the truth of things than I knew. I found today that my desire is just fine. I’m craving SM like I’ve always done, so I guess that’s a relief. It’s his that has waned in the face of all the grief. He told me today, after reading my blog that he just needs time but that he doesn’t want to give anything up. I’m having a hard time believing him. I just wish I had some sort of time frame. I know it’s unrealistic and unfair to even want such a thing. You just can’t put a time limit on grief. I wish I could but I know I can’t. But I need something to hold on to, to get me through until he’s ready again, something to help me keep hope alive.
I put myself out there tonight anyway. I took a risk and asked him to play. I asked for something he used to enjoy a lot, he said it was relaxing for him. I asked for some fire cupping and maybe a little light knife play. He told me he just wasn’t up to it tonight. I wanted to ask him when he would be up for it but I didn’t. Instead I just gave a pleasant face and told him it was okay. Then I went on and scrubbed the toilet. I had a lot of energy to burn and it needed done anyway.
I don’t know why it is but when I let myself think about something, when I desire it and think I might just get it but it’s denied to me, I end up with a lot of energy to burn that just doesn’t dissipate.
Inside I was crushed-I felt rejected even if it wasn’t a rejection of me, it feels like a rejection of part of our life together. I feel like I’m being unfair to him even typing this but it’s how I felt and still do feel. I’m scared that I’m going to be waiting forever for him and he’s never going to come around again. What do I do in the meantime? I can’t dom myself, I can’t beat myself, and when I cut myself I get into trouble for doing it. I feel desperate, my needs and desires are waking up again and now I have no outlet for them. I want to cut myself right now and it’s a bad thought to have. I’ll probably get a lecture about it after he reads this.
I just want to feel good pain again. I am sick and tired of the bad pain that leaves me exhausted, worn out, and unhappy. My life is chock full of that kind of pain, it fills my days and nights. It’s there to greet me first thing in the morning, stays with me all day long, and crawls into bed with me at night. I’m so fucking frustrated and I can’t do a damn thing about it. It seems like SM is the last thing I can feel and now I can’t even have that. I can’t see Sir because I’m working full-time during the day, when he has all his free time of course. I could beg m’Lady to play but it’s not a woman’s touch I need, it’s not just a man’s touch I need either. I need my Master’s touch and I can’t seem to find him anymore. I feel so lost and alone, I don’t know where to turn, or even who to turn to anymore. I could probably accept the orgasm problem if I could console myself with the fact that I could still get to enjoy SM. It just seems pointless to even bother with anything anymore. I think I’m going to drop out of most of my Lifestyle groups, there's no point in participating when I don’t live the lifestyle right now. I’ll still blog but I don’t know how much reading I’m going to do. It’s hard seeing others living the life I want to live knowing I won’t get it until he's healed and that will happen in his own good time.
I’m scared, just plain old scared, that he’ll never come around and that it’s gone for good. I’m scared that the life I love is gone, that the man I love will never again be the Master I need. If it sounds selfish, so be it.
I’m sorry for any hurt I’ve caused you by writing this Boss. I had to get it out, it’s been eating me up inside and weighing me down; it’s why I was so lethargic today, so flat emotionally. I feel like part of me is dying, like part of our relationship is dying, and I don't know how to relate anymore. I'm trying to learn this new way, but I miss the old, I long for it. What if I get used to the new way and when you're ready to go back to the old, I'm not able to submit to you again? What if you never come around? What if?
I love you with every particle of my being, I'd turn myself inside out to take care of you and do what's best for you if it would help.
The Boss wanted sex this morning and I was willing until he wanted to perform oral on me. I tried to stop him with “Honey, I won’t be able to feel it..” but then I realized that it wasn’t being done for my pleasure but for his. So I shut my mouth and tried to relax and enjoy the sensations I could feel. It’s a strange thing, being f*cked but not really feeling it. I could feel it if he went deep but other than that I could only feel the pressure of him there. I guess I should be thankful I have that much sensation. But I’m not, I’m angry because I only have that much sensation sometimes.
That isn’t to say I’m always that numb but it happens more and more often for longer periods of time; most frequently first thing in the morning after a night of sleep, or at the end of a work day. It seems to happen when I try to have an orgasm too. I go numb very quickly when I’m lying on my back. But wouldn’t you know it, lying on my back is about one of the only positions I can orgasm in. I don’t orgasm easily to begin with, I can’t G-spot orgasm at all so having a numb clitoris *really* puts a damper on things. It’s pretty frustrating and mostly I just try to avoid it. I’d rather not try and go weeks without orgasm than try and end up more frustrated because I’m extremely aroused and can’t bring myself off due to the numbness. So you see m problem. I love sex but sometimes I really hate it.
I guess this works in The Boss’s favor, he enjoys orgasm denial for me. Ninety-nine percent of the time I’m content with it too, it’s just that one percent of the time, when it’s been weeks since my last orgasm, or attempted orgasm, that I get a little cranky about it. Most of the time I won’t even ask for orgasm. On average I might ask once every two to three weeks. I know that he’s picked up on my orgasm avoidance. I think it plays a part in his lack of offering them. I don’t know how to feel about that. I guess I should be thankful that he’s sparing me that frustration but it feels more like he’s sparing himself. It takes far too long to get me to orgasm when we are successful and it’s most definitely a joint effort. I’m envious of my friends who can orgasm almost at the drop of a hat.
Lately I’ve been avoiding sex altogether. I’m just tired of being frustrated. I can only handle being repeatedly aroused and left to stew so much. I can handle failed orgasms even less. It’s easier to not think about sex at all than to be aroused and get him off knowing the whole time that I may not get off for days or weeks. Yeah it’s selfish, I can’t help that. I like to get off too.
I wrote the other day about loss of SM desire and The Boss and I being basically vanilla. I was a lot closer to the truth of things than I knew. I found today that my desire is just fine. I’m craving SM like I’ve always done, so I guess that’s a relief. It’s his that has waned in the face of all the grief. He told me today, after reading my blog that he just needs time but that he doesn’t want to give anything up. I’m having a hard time believing him. I just wish I had some sort of time frame. I know it’s unrealistic and unfair to even want such a thing. You just can’t put a time limit on grief. I wish I could but I know I can’t. But I need something to hold on to, to get me through until he’s ready again, something to help me keep hope alive.
I put myself out there tonight anyway. I took a risk and asked him to play. I asked for something he used to enjoy a lot, he said it was relaxing for him. I asked for some fire cupping and maybe a little light knife play. He told me he just wasn’t up to it tonight. I wanted to ask him when he would be up for it but I didn’t. Instead I just gave a pleasant face and told him it was okay. Then I went on and scrubbed the toilet. I had a lot of energy to burn and it needed done anyway.
I don’t know why it is but when I let myself think about something, when I desire it and think I might just get it but it’s denied to me, I end up with a lot of energy to burn that just doesn’t dissipate.
Inside I was crushed-I felt rejected even if it wasn’t a rejection of me, it feels like a rejection of part of our life together. I feel like I’m being unfair to him even typing this but it’s how I felt and still do feel. I’m scared that I’m going to be waiting forever for him and he’s never going to come around again. What do I do in the meantime? I can’t dom myself, I can’t beat myself, and when I cut myself I get into trouble for doing it. I feel desperate, my needs and desires are waking up again and now I have no outlet for them. I want to cut myself right now and it’s a bad thought to have. I’ll probably get a lecture about it after he reads this.
I just want to feel good pain again. I am sick and tired of the bad pain that leaves me exhausted, worn out, and unhappy. My life is chock full of that kind of pain, it fills my days and nights. It’s there to greet me first thing in the morning, stays with me all day long, and crawls into bed with me at night. I’m so fucking frustrated and I can’t do a damn thing about it. It seems like SM is the last thing I can feel and now I can’t even have that. I can’t see Sir because I’m working full-time during the day, when he has all his free time of course. I could beg m’Lady to play but it’s not a woman’s touch I need, it’s not just a man’s touch I need either. I need my Master’s touch and I can’t seem to find him anymore. I feel so lost and alone, I don’t know where to turn, or even who to turn to anymore. I could probably accept the orgasm problem if I could console myself with the fact that I could still get to enjoy SM. It just seems pointless to even bother with anything anymore. I think I’m going to drop out of most of my Lifestyle groups, there's no point in participating when I don’t live the lifestyle right now. I’ll still blog but I don’t know how much reading I’m going to do. It’s hard seeing others living the life I want to live knowing I won’t get it until he's healed and that will happen in his own good time.
I’m scared, just plain old scared, that he’ll never come around and that it’s gone for good. I’m scared that the life I love is gone, that the man I love will never again be the Master I need. If it sounds selfish, so be it.
I’m sorry for any hurt I’ve caused you by writing this Boss. I had to get it out, it’s been eating me up inside and weighing me down; it’s why I was so lethargic today, so flat emotionally. I feel like part of me is dying, like part of our relationship is dying, and I don't know how to relate anymore. I'm trying to learn this new way, but I miss the old, I long for it. What if I get used to the new way and when you're ready to go back to the old, I'm not able to submit to you again? What if you never come around? What if?
I love you with every particle of my being, I'd turn myself inside out to take care of you and do what's best for you if it would help.
Friday, January 05, 2007
Germs, Mass Transit, And Life
Maybe I'm a germophobe, I don't know. But for two days in a row now there has been a lady who coughs, and doesn't cover her mouth when she does so, sitting directly behind me on the bus. Each time she coughs I imagine all her germ-laden spittle racing toward me, surrounding my head, coating the back of my hair, and filling the immediate air I'm breathing. Watch the movie Outbreak-the theater scene- and you'll have a pretty good idea of what I'm imagining. It makes me want to take another shower to get her germs off of me, or maybe wear a particle mask while riding the bus.
Mass transit is great and all but the close quarters will ill people is enough to make me want to attempt to walk to work. I'm crossing every crossable in hopes that The Boss will get my car running again this weekend.
Speaking of The Boss, and his Bossliness, it seems we're both too tired, too whatever, lately to practice active M/s. I mean, he's still The Boss, he still makes the rules, and has the final say but that's about it. I've been more argumentative and feeling inconvenienced when he gives me a task to do. For his part, he finds it easier to just let my bad behavior slide. Last weekend he did yank me up short in the middle of a tirade. He pulled my pants down, told me to lie face down on the bed, and got out the coat hanger. He lectured me before and after the one and only stroke he gave me on my bottom. He stopped because he realized that he was punishing in anger and he tries very hard to not do that. He feels it's wrong to punish in anger. I was so angry with him before that first and only stroke, I was still caught up in my sense of righteousness.
I could use the excuse that he has treated me like a wife so much in the past couple of months that I've just begun acting like one. But that would be wrong, using that excuse would be me trying to avoid taking responsibility for my behavior. As I've said before, my status does not absolve me of personal responsibility. The Boss thinks that my poor behavior is a failure on his part-that by my actions I am telling him that I don't feel as if I have to obey him because he hasn't shown me enough authority to give me a "reason" to obey. The trouble with that is that it's an easy out for me. I could agree with him, let him shoulder all of the responsibility-that would be dishonest. Even without active dominance from him I have reasons to obey and I've ignored them, focusing instead on all the turmoil of our day to day lives. Not that it isn't important stuff-but my responsibility to him and to myself is at least, equal in importance.
My reasons for obeying him regardless of an absence of active dominance are:
1. The immense respect I have for him as a man, my partner, and my owner.
2. The immense love I have for him.
3. The agreement I made by accepting his collar.
It seems like such a small thing as I sit here and write about it. But when these feelings come over me it seems impossible to bite my tongue and swallow any protest I might want to make. I know I can quit arguing and I can obey, I've done it. The hard thing for me-besides biting my tongue when my dander is up-is calmly asking for the opportunity to voice my concerns, opinions, or feelings. I think that if I could manage to do this the need to argue would diminish. I believe that a good part of my need to argue comes from feeling as if I'm not being listened to and as if I'm being taken for granted.
I know some feel that a consensual slave doesn't have the right to expect to be valued or listened to (depending on what may be negotiated between the parties involved). But I think it's safe to say that in my relationship with The Boss, I am allowed to have those expectations. He'll correct me if I'm wrong, I'm sure.
I do need to feel as if I have a voice, even if it doesn't change, or affect, his decision. I need to feel valued and being listened to helps with that. I know part of this is left over baggage from childhood but I think it's also normal human needs too. I'm sure there are perfectly mentally healthy people out there, with no history of abuse, that have similar needs.
It would be helpful to me if he would agree to allow me to ask for the opportunity to voice whatever I need to voice, in a respectful way of course. Obviously when and if he granted those requests would be up to him but I would hope that some of those requests would be granted. Otherwise the privilege wouldn't be of much use.
We haven't played either, not since he did some work on the cutting on my back in October. I sometimes wonder if this is lack of desire, lack of energy, or if it'sjust related to having too much emotional turmoil and stress these last few months.
It has been rough on both of us, with panic attacks and a little bit of depression. I think some of that is to be expected with the grieving process and I know that can take a year or better to complete but I'm impatient. I want to live fully again. I just don't know if I still desire SM. Mentally I do-I want the entire experience, the challenge of attempting to endure the pain he's giving, the tears & curses uttered, his wicked chuckles of delight, the sight of his erect cock dripping copious amounts of precum, the sex afterward with his hips grinding against my tender bottom, and the complete and total feeling of sateity of emotional and physical release.
What if I can't take the pain I once took? What if I can't serve or satisfy him in that way again? What if he's lost his desire to inflict pain or to live M/s? I worry that the grief will consume him, and maybe me, thus consuming our M/s life together.
I know some of my worries are redundant and likely needless. I have these same worries every time we have a lull in the M/s or SM. I'm just so happy with what we do have, when things are all meshing nicely. I feel complete as his slave, he really is the other half of me. Yin to my yang, Clyde to my Bonnie. *g*
I don't know if I could be as happy without the M/s or SM after having lived it. At one time I wondered if the lack of either would be a deal breaker for me. I'm pretty certain now that it wouldn't be. While I wouldn't be happy or content going vanilla, I would be devastated with the loss of my best friend and lover. Losing The Boss would be like removing a vital organ-he is my life, my reason for existance.
I know I am borrowing trouble and worrying needlessly. Stress and emotional upset has just, once again, pushed M/s and SM to the backseat for a while.
I'm going to work on my argumentativeness, perhaps that will bring the M/s to the forefront once again.
Mass transit is great and all but the close quarters will ill people is enough to make me want to attempt to walk to work. I'm crossing every crossable in hopes that The Boss will get my car running again this weekend.
Speaking of The Boss, and his Bossliness, it seems we're both too tired, too whatever, lately to practice active M/s. I mean, he's still The Boss, he still makes the rules, and has the final say but that's about it. I've been more argumentative and feeling inconvenienced when he gives me a task to do. For his part, he finds it easier to just let my bad behavior slide. Last weekend he did yank me up short in the middle of a tirade. He pulled my pants down, told me to lie face down on the bed, and got out the coat hanger. He lectured me before and after the one and only stroke he gave me on my bottom. He stopped because he realized that he was punishing in anger and he tries very hard to not do that. He feels it's wrong to punish in anger. I was so angry with him before that first and only stroke, I was still caught up in my sense of righteousness.
I could use the excuse that he has treated me like a wife so much in the past couple of months that I've just begun acting like one. But that would be wrong, using that excuse would be me trying to avoid taking responsibility for my behavior. As I've said before, my status does not absolve me of personal responsibility. The Boss thinks that my poor behavior is a failure on his part-that by my actions I am telling him that I don't feel as if I have to obey him because he hasn't shown me enough authority to give me a "reason" to obey. The trouble with that is that it's an easy out for me. I could agree with him, let him shoulder all of the responsibility-that would be dishonest. Even without active dominance from him I have reasons to obey and I've ignored them, focusing instead on all the turmoil of our day to day lives. Not that it isn't important stuff-but my responsibility to him and to myself is at least, equal in importance.
My reasons for obeying him regardless of an absence of active dominance are:
1. The immense respect I have for him as a man, my partner, and my owner.
2. The immense love I have for him.
3. The agreement I made by accepting his collar.
It seems like such a small thing as I sit here and write about it. But when these feelings come over me it seems impossible to bite my tongue and swallow any protest I might want to make. I know I can quit arguing and I can obey, I've done it. The hard thing for me-besides biting my tongue when my dander is up-is calmly asking for the opportunity to voice my concerns, opinions, or feelings. I think that if I could manage to do this the need to argue would diminish. I believe that a good part of my need to argue comes from feeling as if I'm not being listened to and as if I'm being taken for granted.
I know some feel that a consensual slave doesn't have the right to expect to be valued or listened to (depending on what may be negotiated between the parties involved). But I think it's safe to say that in my relationship with The Boss, I am allowed to have those expectations. He'll correct me if I'm wrong, I'm sure.
I do need to feel as if I have a voice, even if it doesn't change, or affect, his decision. I need to feel valued and being listened to helps with that. I know part of this is left over baggage from childhood but I think it's also normal human needs too. I'm sure there are perfectly mentally healthy people out there, with no history of abuse, that have similar needs.
It would be helpful to me if he would agree to allow me to ask for the opportunity to voice whatever I need to voice, in a respectful way of course. Obviously when and if he granted those requests would be up to him but I would hope that some of those requests would be granted. Otherwise the privilege wouldn't be of much use.
We haven't played either, not since he did some work on the cutting on my back in October. I sometimes wonder if this is lack of desire, lack of energy, or if it'sjust related to having too much emotional turmoil and stress these last few months.
It has been rough on both of us, with panic attacks and a little bit of depression. I think some of that is to be expected with the grieving process and I know that can take a year or better to complete but I'm impatient. I want to live fully again. I just don't know if I still desire SM. Mentally I do-I want the entire experience, the challenge of attempting to endure the pain he's giving, the tears & curses uttered, his wicked chuckles of delight, the sight of his erect cock dripping copious amounts of precum, the sex afterward with his hips grinding against my tender bottom, and the complete and total feeling of sateity of emotional and physical release.
What if I can't take the pain I once took? What if I can't serve or satisfy him in that way again? What if he's lost his desire to inflict pain or to live M/s? I worry that the grief will consume him, and maybe me, thus consuming our M/s life together.
I know some of my worries are redundant and likely needless. I have these same worries every time we have a lull in the M/s or SM. I'm just so happy with what we do have, when things are all meshing nicely. I feel complete as his slave, he really is the other half of me. Yin to my yang, Clyde to my Bonnie. *g*
I don't know if I could be as happy without the M/s or SM after having lived it. At one time I wondered if the lack of either would be a deal breaker for me. I'm pretty certain now that it wouldn't be. While I wouldn't be happy or content going vanilla, I would be devastated with the loss of my best friend and lover. Losing The Boss would be like removing a vital organ-he is my life, my reason for existance.
I know I am borrowing trouble and worrying needlessly. Stress and emotional upset has just, once again, pushed M/s and SM to the backseat for a while.
I'm going to work on my argumentativeness, perhaps that will bring the M/s to the forefront once again.
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