I'm feeling kind of angsty today about my relationship with my Sir. I don't write much about him here, our situation is complicated. He has some major life changing stuff happening within the next year and it has me wondering where that leaves us? Where will I stand with him afterwards?
Sometimes I don't know where I stand with him now. After having my trust dented by some decisions he made I pulled way back from him, including my submission. I didn't feel like I could trust him and if I can't trust a person I can't submit to that person. That was a couple of years ago, it took me a long time to trust him enough to want to submit to him again. It was a little while longer before I actually did. Since then our relationship has been very different.
I don't think I came back to him fully as a submissive. I've kept part of myself in reserve, afraid to trust him as completely as I did, not wanting to be hurt like that again. This makes it hard to be the s in a D/s relationship. Yet, part of me still wants to submit to him and doesn't want to lose the relationship entirely. I care a great deal for him and I genuinely like him.
I'm wanting to try to find my way back to him as a submissive, I just don't know how to do it. If I do end up losing the relationship with him I at least want to have spent the last bit of it as it started, submissive to him. Perhaps the changes in me and the changes he's facing, are such that it's just not possible? I don't know the answers and I don't think he does either at this point. I think this is something we're going to have to take day to day and wait for it to unfold in its own time.
For now I will try to focus on enjoying the time and relationship I do have with him and maybe I'll open a window in the walls so he can climb back in.
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Addendum 4/26/07
I talked with the Boss about this blog post and about the situation with my Sir. I had a mini-epiphany. I can accept a person's flaws and have very few expectations of them if I am not submissive to them. However, if I am submissive to someone I have higher expectations. But the Boss pointed something out to me. He reminded me that I do get my service and SM needs met through him. SO, I should just relax and enjoy what my Sir and I do have without trying to complicate it. Hmm... and why didn't I think of that? *shaking head*
New adventure, learning to relax and go with the flow!
2 comments:
Going with the flow can be so hard. Good luck, hon. =)
You're tellin' me raven! It's especially tough when one is a control freak like I am. lol Thanks for the luck, I'm sure it'll come in handy.
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