Age Play, Not Just A Role

Maybe I assumed it, but I thought he understood and knew exactly where I was coming from. When we first started doing this he would tell me to "grow up" to signal he needed me in grown up head space once again. To me that signifies understanding on some level. I guess I read him all wrong on this one. Maybe it was wishful, or hopeful, thinking. I wanted so badly for someone to understand and to know I'm not crazy, I'm not mentally ill, and I don't have multiple personalities. This is just another facet of me.

I often think of a prism when I consider my personality, there are many facets, none of them are whole by themselves. Sometimes I can "focus" on one facet, my inner kid, and that becomes the dominant part of my personality for a period of time. My inner kid is still me, it isn't another part of me, doesn't have a different name, different body, or different personality. It's just me, only younger, more vulnerable, more pliable, and more playful.

I sink into a childlike state of mind and sometimes I can get "stuck" in that state of mind. I don't know why, it just happens. I try to control it. I try to keep it in check and only let little bits out every now and then because it's usually not an appropriate time to let it out. Last night I let it out a little when I begged Daddy to let me watch a movie I wanted to see. I even went in to promise him I'd be a good girl and that I'd make him happy (in this case a euphamism for offering sex). I felt like he "got" where I was in my headspace but looking back, I'm not sure he did. The only signs, as far as I'm aware, are my speech patterns, word usage, and body language. Unless I'm dressed for it, which includes pigtails, Hello Kitty barrettes, and specific clothing, there are no other (to my knowledge) signs that I'm in a lil head space.

Last night I got stuck in lil head space. At first I thought Daddy and I were going to cuddle on the couch for a little bit but he wanted to go up to bed. So I finished the stuff I was doing and came up to bed too. The problem started when he wanted sex with his wife/slave not his lil girl. I tried hard to grow up and be what he wanted but I just couldn't seem to do it. He was unaware of my growing distress because I sort of shut down and withdrew. I tried to be brave, tried to not get upset. Unfortunately my emotions got away from me.

Afterwards I felt as if I'd had the rug pulled out from under me. I'd believed all along that he knew what ageplay was for me, I thought too that it was similar for him. He thought all along that it was the same for me as it was for him. That while it wasn't exactly just role play or "pretend", it wasn't exactly "real" either. Apparently we missed something in our communications about the subject. Maybe we were both too focused on our mutual enjoyment and avoiding causing further traumas or triggering old ones.

I'm thankful he kept at me until I was able to talk about it. He let me cry it out and then held me while we talked. I was so scared. I thought for sure that since he hadn't known that it was real for me that he'd think I was mentally ill or that it was a multiple personality issue. I hesitate to write this because of possible misunderstandings. I don't want to be thought of as mentally ill because I'm not. Multiple personality disorder, aka Disassociative Identity Disorder, is a disorder where the facets of a personality fracture into separate and individual personalities as a means of coping with traumatic situations (generally happening in childhood). Granted, I've had some traumatic childhood experiences but I've never been able to disassociate in any way other than to sort of shut down and not actively participate in what is going on. I've always, always been mentally present through everything including those traumatic experiences. As a side note, I think this inability to disassociate plays a hand in my not "flying" in sub space like others have described. I'm just always there.

I don't know where we'll go from here. He said that if he's not in the mood to be Daddy and I was in lil head space he would be happy to cuddle me. I want to trust that he means this but I'm kind of scared. I misunderstood him before, what if I am misunderstanding this time? Part of me wants to keep my inner kid under lock and key now, never expressing that side of me again. Last night was upsetting, and scary. I don't like feeling that way and I don't like being stuck in lil head space without Daddy.