I don't know what happened yesterday. I'm still as baffled by it as I was when it happened. We were playing along fine, not doing anything new, and then wham, I freaked out and all reason left me. I wasn't thinking, I wasn't feeling, I was just not present. I flailed about but didn't actually try to defend myself or fend him off. It seems now as if I didn't have any control over my body. My mind was gone and in its absence the body just went crazy.
Master seems certain it was panic because I was blindfolded and I rely on my sight very heavily. In part, I think this is true but I don't think that is the whole of it. I'd been blindfolded for quite some time lying on my belly while he worked my backside over. It was when he rolled me over onto my back, sobbing from what he'd done to my backside, that the fear really set in. Then he bent over, his face close to mine, probably nearly touching as I could feel his breath as it whooshed out of his nostrils. He ordered me to open my mouth and he spit into it, ordering me to swallow it. This is something we've done many times but somehow, being blindfolded made it terrifying. I struggled to comply, gagging as I did so. He spit again and that's when it happened. Maybe it was panic, it's just not panic like I've ever experienced it before. I couldn't verbalize, my eyes were shut tight behind the blindfold, my legs flopping around as my arms and hands twitched and flailed helplessly on either side of my head. I wasn't restrained in any way, just lying blindfolded on the bed on my back.
He instantly removed the blindfold, I couldn't open my eyes, was afraid to I think. He ordered me to open them, he had to repeat the command a couple of times I think, before I complied momentarily. It seemed to take me a long time to be able to open my eyes and keep them open. It took even longer to get my breathing under control, which prolonged my panicked feelings. He was so calm and in control as he ordered me to breathe slowly and to look at him. "In through your nose and out through your mouth slooooowly" Each shaky exhalation a little slower than the last. It took a while before I got my hands under control; they always seem to begin to twitch when I panic and don't stop until it's completely passed.
Sometimes I think he's the only person in the world who can gentle me down as quickly and efficiently as he did yesterday. He knows me so well and has a broad knowledge of human psychology. He never seems surprised or ruffled by anything,his sense of calm is soothing to me.
He sat down next to me on the bed once I was calmer and petted and soothed me to help settle me down even more. Once I was breathing more normally he pulled me up and held me to him, cuddling me and reminding me that I was safe and I was with him. He's been with me through enough flashbacks and body memories to know I need that reminder to help ground me in the here and now.
That's probably the worst thing about panic, you loose your sense of who you are and where you're at. If it's a panic brought on by flashbacks you're actually reliving the experience. Just writing about all of this has me feeling a bit jittery and panicky, it's so easy to bring a panic on by just remembering how it feels. I hate that.
Later on, over lunch, I explained to him that I think it was a combination of things that caused my reaction yesterday. I thought it was just a combination of being blindfolded and having him in my face (I'm claustrophobic) that set it off. I'm sure now there was one more deciding factor. Being on my back, having my nude front exposed always makes me feel vulnerable, then add a blindfold and trigger my claustrophobia... it makes sense today.
He made sure I didn't think of it as a failure and that I knew he wasn't disappointed in me or in such a swift ending of the scene. His reassurances helped me recover and continue on in another direction. Then we spent the rest of our day doing some much-needed shoe shopping and having a nice quiet lunch at a favorite restaurant. After that was family time and Master's excellent barbequed pork chops, smoked with applewood. The house still smelled of applewood smoke and peppers this morning when I woke up. Soothing scents indeed, reminding me just how fortunate and blessed I am.
No, yesterday wasn't a failure, it was a lesson. Things may not always go to plan, adapt, modify, and overcome when they don't.
2 comments:
When this kind of thing happens to me it takes me a while to recover. Kudos to you for being able to pull yourself back together so quickly.
i truly hate when my past intrudes on my present.
i had a sort of similar experiace this past weekend, not to the point you experianced, but as soon as i roll over on to my back, everything changes. i dont even really know how to explain it, i feel vunerable and exposed.
Miss Frans wickedkitten
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