Goofs

Last night I goofed, in front of HRS. Alan told me to do something and I immediately responded with "Yes Sir" as soon as it was out of my mouth I was correcting it with "Dear". I don't know which was worse but she didn't comment about it. It just seems to me that making the hasty correction like I did might have given her the idea that I was hiding something. In reality, yes I am hiding something from her, the entirety of my relationship with her father but that's for her own good. She's still at the age where boys are gross and she has no interest in relationships and she definitely doesn't want to know any intimate details about her parents' relationship.

Maybe I should have just stuck with the "Sir" and let it alone. At worst she'd have thought I was weird or at best that I was just kidding around, which I do a lot.

True Dreams

I woke up from a horrible nightmare yesterday morning. It felt so real that until I was well and truly awake it felt like it was true. I'd been dreaming about going out for ice cream with my youngest, my sister and her kids. I was having an especially nice time with my youngest nephew in particular, we had a great chat and lots of giggles. I return to my mother's house to find her sitting in the living room bawling. Immediately I know something is terribly wrong. I'm finally able to get out of her that my youngest nephew was killed in a car accident shortly after our visit together. He'd been riding in a car and talking about the fun he'd had and that it was the best day ever and that the only thing that would make it better would be taking a walk. The drivers (unknown) had to pull over on the side of the road for some reason. A vehicle veered off the road and hit the car on the side my nephew was sitting on, killing him instantly.

The dream felt so real that I was almost afraid to call my sister, I didn't want to find out I'd dreamed true. I've had true dreams before, none so prophetic or catastrophic. Mostly just dreaming of places I've never been to then visiting them and feeling a very strong sense of deja vu, or a conversation or event that hadn't happened and feeling that same sense of deja vu when it does take place. So yes, I'll admit I was spooked for a while. I'm still feeling a bit skittish and off-kilter today. I haven't seen this nephew in a long time and it could be that the dream is indicating a loss of contact with him. It could even be a wake-up call that I need to make an effort to see him.

Either way, I hate dreams like this.

Blank

I wish I had something good to write about. We don't have hot or sexy SM scenes. The M/s is still there but not in any fun sexy ways. Yesterday I was in the midst of a 48 hour long panic/anxiety attack. He had to be tough with me and made me clean myself up and go to the store with him. Had I been given the choice I'd have stayed home curled up in my nest of pillows and blankets. But no matter how crazy I am, the drive to obey him is always present.

I've fantasized about scenes I'd love...such as him coming home to find his lil girl lying on her tummy on the bed, coloring in her favorite coloring book, her pigtails bouncing in time with the swinging of her legs. She squeals "Daddy!!" when he walks in, stands up on the bed to give him a big sloppy kiss and monster hug. She shows him her picture and tells him about how she's got a funny ache between her legs....He talks to his little girl about the feelings she's having, explaining how special they are and that she can only share them with her Daddy as he explores her body.

Or he orders me upstairs, naked, and kneeling waiting for him. He enters the room, grabs a fistfull of my hair and leads me, crawling, to the bathroom. He stops me next to the commode with the command to kneel up and stay. He pulls his penis out to urinate into the commode. Just as he's finishing he saves a little bit, turns, orders me to open my mouth and finishes urinating in my mouth, expecting me to swallow and clean his cock off. He stands me up then and feels the soaking wetness between my legs from being used that way. He then leads me to the bed, bends me over and gives me a thorough spanking for enjoying it so much, after which he has me kneel and suck his cock until he decides to f*ck me.

*sigh*

A fertile imaginiation and all it does is torture me with things I can't seem to get right now.

I Miss It

It feels like ages since Master and I have played and I really miss it. Sometimes I crave chocolate so badly that I can almost taste it. I'm craving a spanking in the same way. I want to whimper and beg when Master teases me with a light swat on the behind. There have been instances where I have stuck my bottom out, inviting more. It's always a tease, because he hasn't been able to give me a proper spanking. We rarely have time to ourselves and when we do we're both too tired to do a thing about it.

The reality of 24/7 M/s isn't nearly as fun as the fantasy. I'd give quite a bit to be able to live some of the fantasy. Okay, that's not true, I can't back that up. It just seems like we had the ideal life and we've lost it somewhere along the way.

And yet, my feelings are mixed. Once upon a time I served my Master domestically, sexually, and we played fairly regularly. Only, I struggled a lot with obedience and surrender. I've changed in the last few months. For the better I think. I feel surrendered to him, I love serving him as I'm able and I feel sad when there is something I can't do for him. I feel a calmness inside that wasn't there before. I wouldn't want to have the life we did have at the expense of this change, this calmness. I would like to find a way to have both, to keep this calmness and state of surrender while re-incorporating the life we had, thus creating an improved, more complete M/s relationship.

Sometimes the prospect seems improbable, there are so many challenges facing us right now and I wonder if we'll be able to overcome all of them. I wonder too if he misses what we had and if he wants it back. He never says one way or the other so I never know what's going on behind those laughing eyes. Do you miss the SM Master? Do you miss the way things were? Do you long for a return to what we once had or an improvement on it like I do? Do you miss being served to the extent you once were? Do you miss the ritual we did when I got home from work? I do. I miss it all, I want it all back, somehow.

Epiphanies Blog Entry 8/23/07

Hello again.  Long time no type eh?  Life has been a bit hectic lately what with getting testing done and trying to get a consultation with the neurosurgeons scheduled.  I'm one step closer to hopefully getting this old back of mine fixed.  I have a consultation scheduled for the first of October.  Patience, I'm trying to make that my middle name but it isn't working so well.  I want it all done, now, now, now.  Too bad the doctors don't agree with me huh?

 

This week has been one filled with epiphanies, or what I like to call 2x4 moments.  You know, it's that point in time when it feels as if the Universe has just whacked you up along side the head with a 2x4 giving you a clarity you'd been struggling toward.

 

Yep, that's me, beat up with the Universe's 2x4 and a few things are clear as a bell.  It's funny how you know something but don't know it, know what I mean?  For instance, I know my mother favored my youngest sister over me and that she never really gave me approval, affection, or love.  But I didn't know it in a way that gave me insight into certain insecurities and dysfunctions of mine, insight into their origins.

 

While reading and attempting to craft a response to a question about jealousy it hit me (the 2x4).  All of this jealousy and insecurity started when I was a child.  I spent my early childhood attempting to jump through impossible hoops to earn approval and love that should have been given unconditionally and being compared to my youngest sister and coming up short every time.  Mom made it clear early on that she didn't want me and that she adored my sister.  She was her "social butterfly".  I was only a good child if I was neither seen nor heard.  I got praised for being quiet and shy so I perfected that.  People didn't know I existed until I hit my teen years, then all the anger that had built up over the years sort of boiled over into a rebellion that lasted for many years.

 

Still... knowing all this, knowing where it started, how it started, and why doesn't give me the first clue in dismantling the dysfunction and insecurities.  I've got love, real love, given freely and abundantly, but I'm scared to lose it.  I still suffer those feelings of being unworthy, undeserving, and not good enough even though I try to counter them with positives when I feel threatened.  What makes me feel threatened?  The idea or possibility that someone else may be given attention and love that I territorially think of as "mine".

 

You'd think that as self-aware as I am I'd be able to "fix" this problem wouldn't you?  Master does, sort of.  He believes I should feel more than secure and I agree with him.  I should feel secure in his love and with my position in his life and I do, unless a situation comes up where another individual earns some of his attention (sexual or emotional).  Then I feel as if the rug has been pulled out from beneath me, I start feeling physically ill, and I panic.  Hmm, how to fix that?  Still working on that answer.

 

I'm certain though that knowing the origins of all of this will help me somehow.  I can't help but wonder though, am I psychologically and emotionally damaged due to what my mother did?  Will it always be a struggle with me?  Only time will tell.

 

Epiphany #2

 

I think I've stated it here before, that I just cannot attain the "flying" sub space that lots of folks talk about.  I have a theory that this type of sub space is a mild form of disassociation, among other things.

 

I am unable to disassociate and up until Monday I thought I'd never been able to, ever.  On Monday it just hit me that in elementary school, grade 3 I think, I was majorly disassociating from life.  In the middle of a class, instead of doing my school work I'd play in my fantasy world.  I lived in my head, I had a very vivid imagination and was happy there.  It was so severe that they sent me to a special school that included regular therapy sessions.  I learned through the experience that disassociating was bad.  Ever since then I've been unable to do it.  I am always mentally present, even when being somewhere else would be/have been a blessing.

 

I thought, for a long time that I was broken somehow.  I thought maybe I was doing "it" wrong.  Even after reading the article at leatherNroses.com about not "flying" I still felt uncomfortable about the way I process pain play.  I realize now that I'm not broken, just overly dramatic. *wry grins*  Not flying makes me a perfect match for my Master who likes my responsiveness.  During S/m play we create a space together, we build energy together, it ebbs and flows between us.  I don't know how well that would work if I were somehow disconnected, even a tiny bit, from the entire experience.  I love being able to push myself to take more for him and then revel in the afterglow as we cuddle together.  So, enough of this "grass is greener" thinking.  My grass is a lovely shade of green and it's about time I start appreciating it.