Hello again. Long time no type eh? Life has been a bit hectic lately what with getting testing done and trying to get a consultation with the neurosurgeons scheduled. I'm one step closer to hopefully getting this old back of mine fixed. I have a consultation scheduled for the first of October. Patience, I'm trying to make that my middle name but it isn't working so well. I want it all done, now, now, now. Too bad the doctors don't agree with me huh?
This week has been one filled with epiphanies, or what I like to call 2x4 moments. You know, it's that point in time when it feels as if the Universe has just whacked you up along side the head with a 2x4 giving you a clarity you'd been struggling toward.
Yep, that's me, beat up with the Universe's 2x4 and a few things are clear as a bell. It's funny how you know something but don't know it, know what I mean? For instance, I know my mother favored my youngest sister over me and that she never really gave me approval, affection, or love. But I didn't know it in a way that gave me insight into certain insecurities and dysfunctions of mine, insight into their origins.
While reading and attempting to craft a response to a question about jealousy it hit me (the 2x4). All of this jealousy and insecurity started when I was a child. I spent my early childhood attempting to jump through impossible hoops to earn approval and love that should have been given unconditionally and being compared to my youngest sister and coming up short every time. Mom made it clear early on that she didn't want me and that she adored my sister. She was her "social butterfly". I was only a good child if I was neither seen nor heard. I got praised for being quiet and shy so I perfected that. People didn't know I existed until I hit my teen years, then all the anger that had built up over the years sort of boiled over into a rebellion that lasted for many years.
Still... knowing all this, knowing where it started, how it started, and why doesn't give me the first clue in dismantling the dysfunction and insecurities. I've got love, real love, given freely and abundantly, but I'm scared to lose it. I still suffer those feelings of being unworthy, undeserving, and not good enough even though I try to counter them with positives when I feel threatened. What makes me feel threatened? The idea or possibility that someone else may be given attention and love that I territorially think of as "mine".
You'd think that as self-aware as I am I'd be able to "fix" this problem wouldn't you? Master does, sort of. He believes I should feel more than secure and I agree with him. I should feel secure in his love and with my position in his life and I do, unless a situation comes up where another individual earns some of his attention (sexual or emotional). Then I feel as if the rug has been pulled out from beneath me, I start feeling physically ill, and I panic. Hmm, how to fix that? Still working on that answer.
I'm certain though that knowing the origins of all of this will help me somehow. I can't help but wonder though, am I psychologically and emotionally damaged due to what my mother did? Will it always be a struggle with me? Only time will tell.
Epiphany #2
I think I've stated it here before, that I just cannot attain the "flying" sub space that lots of folks talk about. I have a theory that this type of sub space is a mild form of disassociation, among other things.
I am unable to disassociate and up until Monday I thought I'd never been able to, ever. On Monday it just hit me that in elementary school, grade 3 I think, I was majorly disassociating from life. In the middle of a class, instead of doing my school work I'd play in my fantasy world. I lived in my head, I had a very vivid imagination and was happy there. It was so severe that they sent me to a special school that included regular therapy sessions. I learned through the experience that disassociating was bad. Ever since then I've been unable to do it. I am always mentally present, even when being somewhere else would be/have been a blessing.
I thought, for a long time that I was broken somehow. I thought maybe I was doing "it" wrong. Even after reading the article at leatherNroses.com about not "flying" I still felt uncomfortable about the way I process pain play. I realize now that I'm not broken, just overly dramatic. *wry grins* Not flying makes me a perfect match for my Master who likes my responsiveness. During S/m play we create a space together, we build energy together, it ebbs and flows between us. I don't know how well that would work if I were somehow disconnected, even a tiny bit, from the entire experience. I love being able to push myself to take more for him and then revel in the afterglow as we cuddle together. So, enough of this "grass is greener" thinking. My grass is a lovely shade of green and it's about time I start appreciating it.
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