Extremes

I seem to be moving toward more extreme types of play.  Last night I practically begged Alan to pierce my labia and sew them shut.  Today I want a series of piercings along my labia that can be locked shut.

 

He did pierce me and, using fishing line, stitched one area shut.  I love the way it feels, restrictive, constantly present.  I can't forget it's there no matter what I do.  I'm torn between riding an endorphin high that hasn't gone away, and a bit of drop from the heavy playing we did Saturday night.  I'm also feeling a bit frantic, as if I've got to experience everything I can right away.  It's a bit like sub frenzy but with a sense of urgency as if I am running out of time.

 

Last week I felt a sense of relief and purpose, this week I'm just frenzied and I have nowhere to spend all this energy because I'm tied to a freaking chair and a phone having to repeat the same stuff over and over again to different people.

 

 

Impatient

So, I saw the surgeon yesterday.  He gave me a surgery date.  May 29th, exactly two weeks from today.  I feel panicky, I want to get all the paperwork done NOW.  I want to get the time off approved NOW.  I want to get the surgery over with NOW.  I want to be recovered NOW.  I know, I know, patience is a virtue.

 

There will be lots of changes afterwards, some good, some sad, but it's all a trade off.  I have to give up some things in order to gain pain relief and increased energy.

 

I'm scared, no doubt about it.  The surgeon wanted to be sure he impressed upon me how serious this surgery is and he was successful.

 

I have so much to do and I don't know where to start.  Blah!  I hate major surgery.

Who's That Girl?

What is it about verbal humiliation that hit my hot buttons?  Is it because it was so new to me?  Or am I really kinked for that?

 

I just don't know and I'm still trying to wrap my head around it all.  Sunday's verbal humiliation really helped to strip me down to my slave-self, nothing else existed.  I wasn't thinking about my physical pain, the things that were stressing me out, or even the impropriety of any of it.  I was simply reacting and accepting.

 

Some part of me likes to be verbally humiliated, as evidenced in the e-mail I wrote to Alan telling him I wanted to produce more milk for him and be his "milk cow".  Just reading what I've typed here has me shaking my head and blushing.  I can't believe those are my thoughts and desires and that I'm actually articulating them.  It's so contrary to who I am in many ways.  I'm usually quiet, reserved, and very controlled.  I keep a lot of my deep dark desires to myself.  I'm also usually overly sensitive to humiliation.  Yet here I am talking about them, I've mentioned them to Alan, and I've happily accepted his verbal humiliation and thanked him for it.

 

I THANKED him for everything he did on Sunday.  I was grateful.  Instead of focusing on the fact that he was tormenting me I was focused on the fact that he did wash me and he bathed himself, thus giving me a clean body to lick and suck on at his command.

 

I'm just trying to figure out who this girl is that seems to be taking over my body.  I think this is linked to the growth spurt I wrote about in an earlier post.  I'm finally learning, I think, how to really surrender myself to him and I'm finding a joy and peace in it that I didn't know could exist.  I just hope he doesn't stop or let us lose momentum.  I think this is good, I think it's a good foward movement for us.

Perspective Realigned

I thought my weekend was going to suck.  Saturday night was supposed to be "date night" but Alan was tired and I was overly emotional about the whole thing and entirely too focused on myself and my disappointment.  We're both miserable over him working overnights but getting overly emotional about it isn't going to help anyone cope.

 

We did a lot of talking and finally went to bed.  I was wrung out emotionally and could barely keep my eyes open any longer.  I remember waking up because I couldn't feel him in bed with me.  I looked over my shoulder to see him sitting at the computer, was reassured and fell right back to sleep.

 

I woke up Sunday morning to a note in the bathroom with explicit instructions on it.  "Go potty, go eat, take meds, bring me a drink, strip, wake me".  I was so tired and sore I was half tempted to let him continue to sleep while I took meds and rested some more myself.  But the note didn't leave any wiggle room so I did as I was told.  I got his drink and when I got upstairs with it I sat it on the desk and quickly stripped down to bare skin.  Then I picked up his drink and carefully walked over to his side of the bed and gently woke him.  His smile and softly spoken "Good girl" undid me.  I quivered and trembled a bit.  It's not like him to praise me in that way.  I felt good and nervous all at the same time.  It's a difficult feeling to explain.  He asked me if I was cold to which I replied that I was.  He, being the wonderful sadist he is, pressed his cold glass against my nipples and enjoyed their immediate response.  He took mercy on me as I stood there shivering and let me turn the fans off.  Then he crawled out of bed and took me into the bathroom talking about how I needed a shower.

 

He told me to get into the tub and kneel, I knew what kind of shower I'd be getting then, as he stepped into the tub with me.  He was very obviously aroused as he began to urinate all over my body and my face.  He ordered me to open my mouth and he urinated there too.  No part of me was left dry.  I shivered there in the tub with his urine cooling on my body.  He then remarked that I needed to be cleaned up.  He grabbed the shower head and turned on the water.  I got a bit hysterical then as I clung to his leg and begged him to not use cold water.  I was overwhelmed and completely undone, all I knew was that he was in control of everything and I depended on him for something as simple as warm water to be bathed with.  I wanted to stay on his good side and hoped he'd be merciful.  At first the water was cold, he didn't wait for it to warm up to use it on me so I whined a little until the water warmed up.  He hosed me off and pushed my limits a little by keeping the water in my face, particularly my nose and mouth letting me feel as if I were going to drown.  I stayed as calm as I could and didn't panic.  I think I was too much in shock or I just trust him that much, that I didn't feel panicky about it.  He finally had me stand so he could bathe me.  For those that know me well, being bathed by anyone other than myself is just this side of torture.  I'm very OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) about my personal hygiene.  He knows this only too well and uses it against me from time to time.  Yesterday morning was no exception except that he took it farther than he's done before.  He would comment about how he was only going to wash me very minimally, if at all, and that I'd have to go all day with smelly body parts.  I wanted to beg him to clean me better but I just couldn't for fear that he wouldn't clean me at all so I submitted quietly to his ministrations.  It was difficult because he would comment every now and then about how "stinky" I was going to be or how I had urine on my breath.  By the end of the shower I felt thankful for the cleaning he did give me.  Once we were both clean and dried off he brushed my teeth for me and put my deodorant on as well.

 

If he'd decided that was the end of our play for the morning it would have been enough.  I felt realigned.  His bathing me and taking care of all of my personal hygiene routine reminded me that I am his and he can do whatever he wants to with me.  It was a good reminder.  However, he wasn't through with me.  He was feeling sadistic and was going to feed that need.

 

The SM wasn't all that unusual but he used a lot of verbal humiliation that he's never used before.  It was powerful for me and left me feeling very vulnerable, objectified.  He pushed my trust limits too, waiting until he'd blindfolded and gagged me and then pushing me backwards to fall onto the bed.  It was a scary feeling, I hate not being able to see.  I was jumpy and fearful, especially when it felt as if he was going to f*ck me with the blade of the knife.  Then he shoved the handle inside me instead, I couldn't help myself, my hips rocked gently in time with his thrusts and I sighed with regret when he removed it to go back to torturing my poor pussy.

 

Afterward I could barely move I was just drained and so, so, so relaxed.  I ended up napping for a little while during the afternoon.

 

I'm beginning to understand what people like about verbal humiliation.  Words are so powerful.

Growth Spurt?

I feel like I've hit some sort of "growth spurt" in my enslavement.  For the last week or so I've been cooking all the meals, doing all the dishes, and making sure Master's and my lunches are ready for the next day.  I have the most profound feeling of peace from these simple tasks.  Yes I'm tired after work, yes I hurt, but these things don't seem to exist when I'm performing these tasks.  I'm happy to do this and more just to be of service to my Master.  I find myself wanting to give more of myself to him, I want to give him anything he desires just to see him happy.

 

I think I've also finally found my way back to submitting to Sir.  He gave me a simple task to do yesterday and I nearly squealed because I was so giddy over being able to do something for him again.  Sir and I have seen a lot of each other over the past month and it's been making me very happy because not only are we having one on one time, we're having triad time too so I'm getting to spend time with both Sir and Alan (not always a good thing because they're wicked-evil together).  I've missed the after sex "puppy piles" we have where we're just lying around nude chatting, goofing off, and cuddling.  No the men don't cuddle together but they cuddle around me, which leaves me feeling safe, warm, and loved.

 

I have had some trouble with obedience in a couple of areas.  It isn't deliberate or intentional but it is something I know I can and should control.  I've been getting junk food during the work day even after promising Master that I wouldn't.  I feel bad about it and I do feel like I deserve to be punished for it.  I'm also slipping and saying the "a" word *whispers: you know 'ain't*.  I've got to be more dilligent with that, I owe it to my Master to do so, and to be obedient.

 

Edgy & HOT!

I love breath play and strangulation play, everything to do with it turns me on.  Well, I found a new form to try, re-breathing or shared breath.  I just adore the girl who turned me on to it!  (thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou!)

 

Sir and I tried it Sunday morning and I just have to say wow.  It felt so intimate and I felt so very vulnerable and turned-on but it was slightly different than when we've (or Alan and I have) done other forms of breath play or strangulation play.  The intimacy was definitely greater since he was breathing for me.  I don't think I'll ever be able to forget the feel of his lips sealed around mine, his hand plugging my nose, inhaling his breath then having him exhale mine and waiting for him to give me more air.  I felt so floaty and light-headed afterwards and just happy.  We sat there and grinned at each other like idiots for a few moments.  I think we were both excited by it but we realized we needed to work on timing so we tried it again. lol  The timing was better the second time and it was just as intense and intimate.  I love it.

 

I love new experiences like this and I'm happy that Sir was willing to give it a go.

 

I'd like to be bitten until blood is drawn, being bitten, especially in a sexual setting, is a HUGE turn-on for me.  Having someone share my blood is also a huge turn on.  I'd love to be bitten and then share a kiss with my partner while my blood is still fresh on his lips and in his mouth.

 

Sick little masopuppy, maybe but I'm happy and that's all that matters to me. :-)