Sir wants changes in my personality.. so I'm making them. However, I'm afraid I'll lose some of "me" and it makes me angry to think about that. How do I hold onto "me" yet, let go?
The "new me" has very little to say so far. Just pleasantries and benign subjects sure to be safe and not stir up any arguments. However, I've used up all of today's pleasantries in less than half an hour. I don't know how this will work long term.
I don't understand how this will be beneficial to our relationship.
One can only hope that it will work out and eventually the "new me" will settle in and won't feel awkward when chatting with Sir.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Monday, February 21, 2011
Angry
I am frustrated and angry. I don't understand much of what is going on right now. He wants to change my personality but I have to wait until he gets around to telling me what is being changed and why. I'm supposed to be fully, and cheerfully accepting of him and his time limitations. Why should I when he won't reciprocate?
I asked him to consider renaming me since he's changing me into a different person. It makes sense to me. I'll be a different person and as such I should have a new name to go with the "new" me.
I'll never understand why, if he's not happy with me, he doesn't just find someone else more to his liking? I thought he liked 'me' for who I was. I guess I thought wrong.
Sometimes,like right now, I doubt my slavehood. If one of my Owners feels he has to change my personality, maybe that means I've failed him as a slave.
And now after a phone call I'm further confused. Apparently I had it all wrong. I'm not allowed to discuss the one thing that seriously upsets me. So dear blog, you get stuck listening to me.
I'm supposed to stop complaining. So I guess I will. I'll have to pretend to be thrilled when I'm left high and dry in the middle of playing and have to figure out how to do self-aftercare.
I'm just worn out. I'm tired of arguing. I'd like to have productive conversations. But anything I say that isn't sunshine and roses is taken as a complaint. Going with that logic, I should not complain ever.
Pointless
I'm starting to think emailing anyone is pointless. Either they don't respond or they pick a tiny piece of the whole email to respond to.I'm thinking that taking meds and going to therapy is pointless too. Either I'm so tranquilized that I'm barely mentally present, or I'm out of control. No happy middle to be found.My entire weekend was spent sleeping due to meds. Oh well guess I'm easier to deal with when I'm out of it.I'm angry tonight, frustrated. Not allowed to voice anything that sounds remotely like a complaint now. He keeps changing the rules on me. No acceptance, he wants a personality change. If he wants someone different why keep me around?I feel like giving up.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Swinging
Not the fun kind. Mood swings. I was on an upswing for a few days and felt happy, peaceful, soft. Today it seems that I am on a downswing, feeling irritable, chaotic, and just not quite happy. I hate the downs, I really, really hate them. I can't stand the chaos in my head and sometimes I wish I had a "chaos shelter" where I could hide during these times.
It's really difficult to deal with people when I'm feeling like this, even more difficult to deal with two Owners who have the right to make demands of me, my time, and even my thoughts. When I'm in chaos I end up feeling like a cornered animal and I "bite" in response to feeling pressed for whatever They may need at the time. I'm remorseful afterward, I'm often remorseful during, but can't seem to always control what comes out of my mouth/head.
I'd like to say I've made some progress on this as I do swallow a lot of snarky comments that I would like to make. But if I make even one comment I think that negates whatever progress I might have made.
Sometimes I think I'm wasting my time trying to improve. Usually when I'm in chaos. Go figure.
I'm trying something new/old again. I'm trying to organize and schedule my life, almost every hour of every day, so I have the structure I need. I'm using FlyLady's method, or trying it. I may modify it, I may not, it depends on how it works with my life. I know a lot of people swear by her method and it looks very sound. I've always touted it as being a good resource for s-types wanting to give better domestic service. It's probably high time I take my own advice eh?
That's me today... meh.
It's really difficult to deal with people when I'm feeling like this, even more difficult to deal with two Owners who have the right to make demands of me, my time, and even my thoughts. When I'm in chaos I end up feeling like a cornered animal and I "bite" in response to feeling pressed for whatever They may need at the time. I'm remorseful afterward, I'm often remorseful during, but can't seem to always control what comes out of my mouth/head.
I'd like to say I've made some progress on this as I do swallow a lot of snarky comments that I would like to make. But if I make even one comment I think that negates whatever progress I might have made.
Sometimes I think I'm wasting my time trying to improve. Usually when I'm in chaos. Go figure.
I'm trying something new/old again. I'm trying to organize and schedule my life, almost every hour of every day, so I have the structure I need. I'm using FlyLady's method, or trying it. I may modify it, I may not, it depends on how it works with my life. I know a lot of people swear by her method and it looks very sound. I've always touted it as being a good resource for s-types wanting to give better domestic service. It's probably high time I take my own advice eh?
That's me today... meh.
Sunday, February 06, 2011
Catharsis
I got it in spades last night. I asked for it and got it. What I asked for was heavy SM play, I wanted to play with the Sadist. I didn't really know it was catharsis I needed or wanted until it happened.
Sometimes Master and I will play and spar together, we "box". Last night he decided he wanted to do that instead of what we'd originally decided to do. But I couldn't, I simply couldn't fight back no matter how hard he hit me. Note to self: being punched in the jaw kinda hurts a lot. At one point he had me backed against a wall choking me and my legs just gave out, I ended up sliding down the wall, him with me, til we were both kneeling on the floor. It was at that point he understood that I couldn't fight back despite his order for me to do so.
He changed tack and decided to beat me instead. He had me lean against the cross and just laid into me. No warm up at all. I don't know how I stood there and kept taking it. I really don't. I kept begging over and over "please, please, please, please stop", knowing he wouldn't stop, not really wanting him to stop. He used the wooden paddle and I ended up cowering on the floor wrapped around one leg of the cross. I was lost in such a deep submissive mindset, I couldn't not do what he wanted. He wanted to beat me and I had to take it, wanted to, needed to. So I stood up again and took my place against the cross once more. He doesn't like to bind me, usually I've got some fight in me and he likes the possibility that I may turn on him.
For me the beating seemed to last forever, I cried the entire time.. just cried myself out. When he was finished with me I curled into a little ball on the couch next to him and just laid there. At peace, finally. It was a blessing. I don't know how long it will last. I didn't have the "happy, goofy, endorphin rush" after like I normally have. I was just empty and at peace. I spent today just recovering, I'm just a wee bit bruised, and the body has its limitations and needs some rest after such rigorous use. It's a price I happily pay for the opportunity to serve as masochist to his Sadist and for occasional catharsis.
Thank you Master.
Sometimes Master and I will play and spar together, we "box". Last night he decided he wanted to do that instead of what we'd originally decided to do. But I couldn't, I simply couldn't fight back no matter how hard he hit me. Note to self: being punched in the jaw kinda hurts a lot. At one point he had me backed against a wall choking me and my legs just gave out, I ended up sliding down the wall, him with me, til we were both kneeling on the floor. It was at that point he understood that I couldn't fight back despite his order for me to do so.
He changed tack and decided to beat me instead. He had me lean against the cross and just laid into me. No warm up at all. I don't know how I stood there and kept taking it. I really don't. I kept begging over and over "please, please, please, please stop", knowing he wouldn't stop, not really wanting him to stop. He used the wooden paddle and I ended up cowering on the floor wrapped around one leg of the cross. I was lost in such a deep submissive mindset, I couldn't not do what he wanted. He wanted to beat me and I had to take it, wanted to, needed to. So I stood up again and took my place against the cross once more. He doesn't like to bind me, usually I've got some fight in me and he likes the possibility that I may turn on him.
For me the beating seemed to last forever, I cried the entire time.. just cried myself out. When he was finished with me I curled into a little ball on the couch next to him and just laid there. At peace, finally. It was a blessing. I don't know how long it will last. I didn't have the "happy, goofy, endorphin rush" after like I normally have. I was just empty and at peace. I spent today just recovering, I'm just a wee bit bruised, and the body has its limitations and needs some rest after such rigorous use. It's a price I happily pay for the opportunity to serve as masochist to his Sadist and for occasional catharsis.
Thank you Master.
Tuesday, February 01, 2011
Quiet
I'm feeling quiet now. Had a good cry earlier after doing my slave devotional/mantra. It wasn't for any specific reason other than letting off some pressure and letting go of some icky feelings.
I actually feel accomplished and at peace for the moment. It's a good feeling. I cleaned and polished my boots and cleaned and conditioned Master's shoes. I never really thought about it but leather care is kind of meditative for me. It's just me and the leather, my hands working to nourish and care for the leather. And afterward my hands are left soft and smelling of beeswax and it's a heck of a great smell. I know I've done something good with these hands when they smell of beeswax. I know I've done a good service, not only for Master but for the leather. It pleases me to see clean and happy leather and to see Master wearing that leather. And now, myself, I have my own leather boots. Tacticals and they're just awesome. I can't bear to let the poor things sit dirty despite them being meant for work not show.
The slave may be used as her Master sees fit.That is the last line in my mantra and it keeps playing over and over in my head. There's no guarantee here that my needs will be met, consistently or otherwise. But they tell me they want to take care of me and will do so, in their own time. That is hard to accept because their time doesn't always link up with what I think it should be. But...I didn't sign on for "it's all about me" if that was the case I'd be on top wouldn't I? And I'm not, I'm not built to be on top even if I have some tendencies that way, I can't sustain it.
I actually feel accomplished and at peace for the moment. It's a good feeling. I cleaned and polished my boots and cleaned and conditioned Master's shoes. I never really thought about it but leather care is kind of meditative for me. It's just me and the leather, my hands working to nourish and care for the leather. And afterward my hands are left soft and smelling of beeswax and it's a heck of a great smell. I know I've done something good with these hands when they smell of beeswax. I know I've done a good service, not only for Master but for the leather. It pleases me to see clean and happy leather and to see Master wearing that leather. And now, myself, I have my own leather boots. Tacticals and they're just awesome. I can't bear to let the poor things sit dirty despite them being meant for work not show.
Low
Today is a low day. I think to call it depression would be wrong, because it's not that kind of low.
Hopelessness, yes I feel that. But mostly just tired. I did my chore and have to exercise as promised to Sir. If I had not had the "to do" from Sir and from Master, I would not do. I would sit like a lump on the couch and watch Baz Lurhman's Romeo & Juliet over and over. I'm fixated on the movie today and if I could explain it I would.
I do not want to exercise. I do not want to move. I do not want to cook dinner, I feel like the house drudgery slave, not in service to my Master but the house. There is no joy in this type of service. I cannot seem to find any joy in the day. I woke angry and took it out on Master. I don't care how understanding he is, it isn't fair to him. I don't think my crazy is under control.
If I have to smell the scent of cooked or uncooked chicken again I may just scream.
I'm off to do the rest of my "to do" or to at least contemplate doing it. But if I don't do it I will have to tell on myself and I don't want to do yet another disappointing thing.
Hopelessness, yes I feel that. But mostly just tired. I did my chore and have to exercise as promised to Sir. If I had not had the "to do" from Sir and from Master, I would not do. I would sit like a lump on the couch and watch Baz Lurhman's Romeo & Juliet over and over. I'm fixated on the movie today and if I could explain it I would.
"Good Night, Good night! Parting is such sweet sorrow, that I shall say good night till it be morrow."I understand how she feels.
- William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet, 2.2
I do not want to exercise. I do not want to move. I do not want to cook dinner, I feel like the house drudgery slave, not in service to my Master but the house. There is no joy in this type of service. I cannot seem to find any joy in the day. I woke angry and took it out on Master. I don't care how understanding he is, it isn't fair to him. I don't think my crazy is under control.
If I have to smell the scent of cooked or uncooked chicken again I may just scream.
I'm off to do the rest of my "to do" or to at least contemplate doing it. But if I don't do it I will have to tell on myself and I don't want to do yet another disappointing thing.
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