Daddy's Lil Girl/Property

I know it can be done and people do it all the time.  I just don't know how to wrap my head around it yet.  I've always been Daddy's lil girl and we've been Owner/property for several years.  We've had our ups and downs and always seem to make our way through them, thank the gods.

I'm just wondering if a lil girl can respond as property.  Both are part of who I am but I've been primarily property for the last several years with lil girl sitting quietly in the background.  I've been reacting as adult property, not lil girl property.

I think I'm overthinking it and making it more complicated than it needs to be.  So far I seem to be reacting as lil girl property, which, I believe is the response he wants.  I did goof on the grocery list/menu, I put down burgers on the grill for a meal and noted "Daddy makes".  Our youngest daughter caught it and laughed it off, so that wasn't the blow-up I was afraid of..

I'm the good lil girl type of lil girl and I work harder to please my Daddy.  However, I have a Goth lite side to me, an evil sprite if you will. It's weird because as property I love serving my owner and seeing that pleased look on his face and feeling his approval.  I did work hard to please my Owner but I don't feel like I worked as hard as I do as lil girl.  Maybe it's due to the Daddy/daughter relationship, lil girls always want to stay in Daddy's good graces and they just love their Daddies so much that they will go to the moon and back to make them smile in that loving Daddy way.  You know, the smile that says you're the bestest lil girl in the whole wide world, cherished and loved as if no one else exists.

I like that feeling and I think having Daddy/daughter be primary our primary interaction will work pretty well for us.  I wonder if Daddy would buy his lil girl some Hello Kitty and Tinkerbell t-shirts?  I really, really need them. :-D

Released: The Sequel

Wow, there MUST be something really wrong with me.  I'm unworthy of being owned, it seems.  And my inner kid is unworthy of being loved.  Alan and I were starting over, I thought we were working on fixing what was broken, rebuilding our M/s relationship.  He even wrote up rules for both of us, guidelines for the relationship, and bought notebooks for us to write down issues we needed to talk about during our free talk night.

We stopped talking.  We played a couple of times and both were unsatisfying to him.  He told me the last time we played, right after we played, that it was unsatisfying for him because my pain tolerance is near zero so he didn't get to feed the sadist.  He enjoyed my service and still wants me to serve and have kinky sex and SM in the bedroom.  I don't know why, it feels like he's being selfish.  At the same time it at least gives me a service outlet

I feel like I've been served with divorce papers.  My neck feels light and naked without a collar.  I feel lost and worthless.  I don't really know what to do or how to live bedroom kink and pretty much vanilla the rest of the time.

I still have a slave heart and a strong desire/need to be owned and controlled.  I still have an inner kid who needs to be loved, treasured, cherished, and doted on.  How do I get these needs met when neither of my partners are interested?

My heart is broken, and I do NOT want to live a vanilla life.  But I don't seem to have a choice.  I don't know what to do with myself.  I know what I want to do and I'm teetering on the brink.

My sister recommends a trial separation.  Do you do a trial separation when the power exchange goes south?  Even if the rest of the relationship is relatively okay and you're still in love with each other?  It's not really in the cards to have an actual separation.  The best I can do is move into the spare room and move my toiletries into the main bathroom until we move out of this place.

Maybe it would help us appreciate what we have.  I don't know.  Everything is upside down and bassackwards today.  Part of me just wants to give up in general.

I have no idea where to go from here.  I don't know where we'll go from here.  How do I live as a vanilla wife?  I haven't been one in so many years and what I remember of that was continual fighting due to constant power struggles.

Part of me feels angry that I've been released and feels vindictive and spiteful.  This part of me wants to punish Alan for the pain caused even though he's hurting too.  He feels like he failed me as a man, as an owner, and as a mate.  How do we get through this?  I don't know how.  I don't know if I want to.  I don't want this.

Weddings

Yesterday was my first wedding officiated on my own.  It was my sister and her husband's vow renewal.  I was SO scared Friday night that I flew right into a nasty panic attack and had to give in and take some medication for it.

Yesterday before the wedding I was so amped I was running around in circles, my thoughts were doing the same.  I was trying to get ready AND get my altar things together for the ceremony.  They (she) chose a Pagan handfasting wedding instead and I was determined to have everything ready so the wedding was perfect.

I made it all the way through the ceremony until the last two sentences before I started crying.  I'm proud of myself for getting through it that well.  I was afraid I would have started sooner.  I got a few compliments for my part.  That made me feel like an actual Priestess rather than some goober trying to perform a ceremony she isn't qualified to perform any ceremony.

I was honored to be asked to officiate their ceremony.

Hmm

I'm not sure what to think, do, or feel at this point.  I saw my doc for a follow-up to the test I had done last week.  Last week the doc said we'd talk today about options because he felt I wasn't a surgical candidate.  Today he gives me a new drug and tells me he's going to run me by the surgeon to see if he'll fuse just one of the discs since he feels it's that disc causing my leg pain.

There are SO many pros and cons to consider.  If I have L5-S1 fused what will happen to L3-L4, which is also bad and causing consistent pain too?  What will happen to the good disc L4-L5?  I just don't know what to do anymore.  I don't know what will help or will make things worse.

Do I try the fusion and hope it doesn't make things worse?  Or do I sit around and just wait for the bad discs to completely disappear and then live with worse pain?  Or will the fusion make the pain worse?

I see the surgeon in a few weeks I guess he'll lay out the the what ifs and will decide if he thinks I'm worth operating on.

I really hate this life sometimes.  This choice is a crapshoot and I won't know until a year or more out if it was the right decision if I do have the surgery.  I've failed every conservative treatment and drug so far.  Good grief, I've been on a neuro drug that sidelines as a treatment for nerve pain and it doesn't help.  I'm on 24/7 pain meds, doesn't help.  I have to try a pain/muscle relaxer drug now and I have no idea what it's going to do, or not do.  I feel like pain and drugs for that pain are in my life forever at this point.  I'm angry, so angry at this.  Why can't it be an easy fix? 

I did accomplish one thing I've been wanting, a handicap parking sign for my car so I don't have far to walk from the store, that's the worst, having to walk forever to my car after having been in the store.  I'm usually near tears by the time I'm walking out of the store, once I get to my car I just fall into it and pull my legs in with my hands.

Sometimes I wonder what I did to earn this pain and suffering.  I know it's a pitypoorme thing but.. really sometimes it feels like I earned it somehow.  I want a reason for why I have this "disease".  Why is my back falling apart?  Why?  Will I ever get my life back?  Even part of it?

Crash and Burn

That's how I feel today.  I'm so down that I just need to sleep it away.  I've had a crap couple of years, recently I'd been trying to find the happiness in just living and was actually succeeding.  I've fallen down again and I'm trying to decide if it's easier trying to get back up or to just stay down here.

Nothing in my life is what it was, what I was comfortable with.  Everything has changed, nothing is the same, predictable, or safe because anything is subject to change at a moment's notice.

I turn 40 in just a month's time and I no longer know who I am.  I am lost in a big way and the dang birds ate my bread crumb trail.

Depression is tapping my shoulder but I'm trying to ignore it.

I was SO angry last night, so resentful, and feeling very let-down.  I guess that was a lot of emotion because my body is exhausted from it all.

I'm absolutely stunned by The Boss's idea that we volunteer with a vanilla group as a substitute for the loss of kinky friends and kinky socialization.  I don't want another place that I have to hide my kink and pretend that we're "just married".  It's bad enough I have to do it at home and in general public.  But now he's asking me to join a group and spend time with people whom I'll have to hide from?  I think he's nuts.  Yes I wanted to volunteer with this group but NOT as a substitute for my kink outlet and certainly NOT as a "night out" with The Boss.  He's lost his ever-loving mind.

I do need time to be all of me not just one tiny part.  I want to be able to BE and ACT like his slave in training.  I want to be lead around on a leash and have it be acceptable, not a freak show.  I want to sit at his feet and again, have that be normal and accepted behavior.  I want to serve him without all eyes on me as if I've sprouted horns.  I can do none of this volunteering for the vanilla group.

I am angry at the past week's events.  I'm angry that I felt I had to choose to leave to reduce my stress and The Boss's stress.  I'm angry that he's not a joiner.  I'm angry that he's constantly prodded me to give up groups.  I'm angry that he dropped an "I told you so" on me when I woke up this morning.  WTF?  I'm seriously angry that he thinks a vanilla group will take the place of my kink life and will be a fulfilling substitute.  I'm angry that there are no other Central Iowa groups to choose from.  One option, which I feel ostracized from and had to quit.

Angry...that's what I feel the most.  Angry that I'm going to be a shut in, a recluse, since I have no outlet for my kink, no social group for human contact.  Isolated.  It sucks.  That's the nicest thing I can say.

Mental Illness NOT Under Control

So my "emotional intensity", as my therapist likes to call it, is out of control just focused in a different direction from my loved ones.  Oh Goody.

I have to ask for a higher dose of the medicine and find out if I can still join the intensive behavior modification group.  I hate being me today.  I neither want, nor need, your sympathy or well-intentioned suggestions or advice.  I just cannot handle needing to be polite and thankful right now.  I know what I am, what I'm not, and what I have to do.

I'm going to end up alone because of this crap because I can't seem to control this thing.  I just want to scream and cry and give someone else this pain because I'm done with it.

New Beginnings?

We shall see if that is truly what is happening.  I've left the CIPEX group as has The Boss.  I feel as if I am persona non gratis there and he is hugely offended by the way I've been treated over the years.  He decides to step up and defend me once, in his own way-responding to the original poster in kind, and I get backhanded for it by those who have taken issue with a post I wrote venting and in defense of people I called friends.  Overall I am disillusioned and feel extremely unwelcome by this group that I called home for about 12+ years.

Yep, I was wrong for posting my post.  Rule #1 don't say anything people don't want to hear, they'll flame you and curse you out for it while plugging their ears or putting on blindfolds.  Don't be blunt and brutally honest for the same reasons.  Don't vent anger or frustrations, same reasons.  Don't say anything that anyone could possibly take offense to, candy coat it for them, for the same reasons above.  Beyond that don't offend people, they don't like it and will take their friendship and go home if you do.

Yes I'm angry and I'm well aware that it's showing.  This is MY place to say whatever I want to say, please don't read if you're offended.

Some people I counted as friends have little support for me and are making it clear that they feel as the others feel, I'm not good for the group.  I get the message loud and clear folks.  No need to continue to rub my nose in it as if I were an ignorant dog incapable of getting it the first time.

I am so done with that group that I was ready to shut down MY group so I didn't have to deal with them at all.  But no, they don't get to have that kind of power over me.

I will run my group until such time as I feel it has run its course.  If you don't want to participate that's your loss, I'll miss you and the friendship I thought we had.