I suppose a little catch up is in order: Last week, day three of being on the new job my lower back began to ache. This went on until by Monday I was in agony. Saw the doc Monday afternoon, got an anti-inflammatory medication... Tuesday was more agony bringing me near tears. Wednesday took a day off and called the doc to inform him the pain was worse. Made an appointment for Thursday, after telling the doc about the pain down the legs and tingling down one leg and various other numb spots the doc scheduled an MRI for Friday evening and gave me a steroid and pain pill on top of the anti-inflammatory. Friday morning, attempt to go back to work. At 8 a.m. I am dutifully in my seat working diligently. By 8:30 a.m. I'm shifting in my seat and gritting my teeth. By 9:00 a.m. I am in agony and admit defeat.
My assignment has been ended until my back is under control. The good news is that they like me and want to bring me back when my back is under control and when they have an opening. This was a small comfort to me and was a bit of a balm to my guilty conscience. I feel guilty, I was supposed to be working to help alleviate some of Master's stress, and instead I am now adding to it and costing him more money on top of it all. I realize my back going wonky isn't my fault but part of me thinks I should have pushed myself and just sucked up the pain so I could continue to work.
Last night, Friday night, was the MRI... I was nervous. I'm a big girl and I knew I would be wedged into the tube. They wouldn't allow Master to go back with me so I had to go it alone. It was kind of scary, I'm a bit claustrophobic.
When they began to slide me into the tube I panicked a little so they brought me back out. I took several deep breaths and they offered a wash cloth to cover my eyes. Had they attempted to put it over my eyes I would have bolted then and there. I got myself under control and gave the signal for them to proceed. Going into the tube was an ordeal, the table moved slowly and I had to close my eyes as the reality of the top of the tube being only one to two inches from my nose was too much for my mind to handle.
My shoulders were scrunched up so I would fit inside the tube, I almost forgot the pain in my back as my shoulder and neck muscles began to groan from the tension that sang through my entire body. I focused on keeping my breath from being fast and shallow and began to picture the last time Master had me cuffed to the cross as he dragged our knife across my flesh. That image and the sure knowledge that Master would cuddle me afterwards helped get me through the procedure.
It didn't take long though it felt like an eternity. It was the combination of the confined space and being utterly dependent on total strangers for my extraction from said space that frightened me. Had Master been allowed to be there with me and keep a hand on my leg or my shoulder I would have been fine. Master is my lifeline; I look to him for safety and assurance.
Now that the ordeal is over we have to wait for the results. I see the doc again on Monday morning to find out what is or isn't wrong with my back and decide a plan of action. I feel helpless right now, despite wanting to exercise mind over matter my body is dictating to me what I can and cannot do.
At this very moment I am missing my oldest niece's birthday party because I couldn't bear the car ride to the park and then sitting on a park bench. Until last night when I had about an hour to two hours pain free, I hadn't been able to serve Master sexually.
Next weekend we're supposed to attend a play party, I doubt I will be up to our usual favorites...we're both concerned that anything that impacts my back or butt will further injure my back. Happily, Master is open to alternatives that are equally as intense. Still I'm a little sad that we can't enjoy our usual favorites together. Instead Master will most likely work someone else over as I watch. At least he won't lack for playing. As my Lady reminded me, my back being wonky isn't my fault nor is it his fault and it shouldn't keep him from having fun. Still, I wish it were me he could beat. I feel like I'm going to miss out on some fun, but what's more, I feel like my back is keeping me from serving him in all ways.
Being human is a really tough pill to swallow. It doesn't jive well with the whole super slave mentality that I get going sometimes. *insert wry grin here*
I am trying to keep my focus on Master and on doing the things for him that I *can* do instead of focusing on my own misery and on the things I can't do. It isn't easy, especially when the pain gets bad. Pain wears a body down mentally as well as physically.
