For the past several days life has been hectic for Master and myself. It all began Thursday with a night of no sleep for either of us and spiraled out from there.
Saturday was my birthday and the photo/play party. I woke up feeling my slave space very much and looking forward to some photos of me worshiping Master's boots. Of course, I was also looking forward to the very hard play that we'd planned earlier last week. As it happened, Master was feeling very sub and not at all in a space where he could be in control. At first I was sad and disappointed, I shed a few tears and then I sucked it up and threw myself into Top space where he needed me to be.
I thought I was doing us both a favor by insisting that we go to the play party despite his headspace. As it turned out, that was a mistake. Master was extremely uncomfortable and as the evening progressed I became more and more unhappy with myself and with the situation. I was completely out of sorts; I craved my slave space and was envious of those who didn't have to be Top for the night.
Master, still taking care of me as he always does, asked our good friend Master J to play with me. Master J and I had a very heavy resistance scene. The resistance was unplanned but was good nonetheless. The beast inside was unleashed and it fought with amazing fury...I railed against Master J and vented my frustration and disappointment with guttural growls and hisses...it ended suddenly when I had a bit of an asthma attack and ended up shedding a few tears. It was cathartic for me, I felt cleansed and at peace with the day's events.
The following days have been spent with me still in a bit of a Top space as Master needs. He's having some issues right now that are keeping him from being his usual Dominant self. Master, like me, suffers from panic-anxiety disorder and occasionally it takes him down for the count. Thankfully he sought treatment today to help him through this bout. Tonight he seems a bit more like his usual self and I can't say how grateful I am to see the sparkle come back to his eyes. My heart nearly broke seeing him so in need.
Unlike any other time this has happened, I don't feel as though I am dominating Master. Instead, I feel as if this is just another aspect of my service to him.
Tonight I feel a deepening of my submission to him, I feel more bonded to him than ever before.
