We're caught up in day to day life right now; me with school and the job hunt, and him with work.
My birthday is coming up soon and while I wish I could, I don't feel particularly celebratory. The day will be spent at our local group's munch and then at a play party hosted by our friends, at which we'll have some pictures taken before the party begins. I want to be excited about having some sexy BDSM pictures taken of me but I keep thinking about how large I am and how large I'm going to look in the pictures.
There were a couple instances this week where I got a good look at certain parts of my body. It was shocking to me, to see how large these parts have gotten. When I look down at myself I don't see the hugeness that I see when I look in the mirror. It's a bit depressing really, to look in the mirror and see the reality of my size. I realize my size is my doing. No one is forcing me to eat.
I have all this knowledge about how to eat right and even how much to eat. I know what exercises I should do and how much to do and how often to do it. However, I don't know how to make myself do these things or how to overcome my psyche's resistance to change. I've asked Master for help but with work keeping him so busy it is very hard for him to keep on top of me about these things. In addition, it is difficult for him to overcome his psyche's resistance to change.
No one said weight loss was easy, though I think it should be, weight gain is easy isn't it?
I see friends having the gastric bypass surgery and on the surface, it appears to be the "magic pill" that works. Everyone that has it loses so much weight. And it happens fast and they don't have to work very hard for it.
Then I give myself a reality check, it's a major surgery, you have to become very disciplined and eat a specific way or else risk malnutrition and a whole host of other issues. There is also the issue of all that excess skin that just hangs there and looks horrible and can begin breaking down. I think about that and realize that I would have a whole lot more self-loathing over that loose skin than I do now over my weight. Still, the desire to lose weight and be thinner is almost overwhelming, almost enough to make me want to close my eyes to the reality.
I'm bombarded day in and day out by commercials and ads about weight loss. It is really hard not to succumb to the pressure and buy into the idea that thin is beautiful. I get angry sometimes, angry and frustrated by it all. *sigh*
What can I do? I try very hard to hold onto the thought that Master thinks I am beautiful no matter what size I am. His reality is that I am beautiful, and most of the time it is my reality too.
