I can't say it enough, the support I've received from you all has really meant the world to me. I'm doing better with this and I've stopped looking for the loopholes, although if one appeared I wouldn't be averse to taking it. *grins*

I've been frequenting a web site set up as a support for women who have had or are going to have endometrial ablation, there are women there who've had hysterectomies too and it's been a boon of information and anecdotal experience for me. Endometrial Discussion Group

The doctors can give pure facts and their success rates but what really helps me is the anecdotal experience of other women. Doctors will say it's supposed to happen like X but as we all know, Murphy's Law prevails, plus every body is different and will react differently to a given procedure.

Master and I still aren't on the same page as far as the way we approach this situation. He thinks I'm focusing on the negative, he might be right in part. I tried to explain to him last night that I'm being realistic. This surgery, more than any, is a crap shoot. It *could* be a miracle fix or it *could* be just the beginning of a series of things we do to try to fix this thing. I just don't want to go into this believing it's going to be a miracle fix and end up disappointed and feeling like I somehow failed. I don't want him to have that mindset either, though I don't believe he'd blame me for the failure of the procedure. Still, I think he'd be as disappointed as I would be if it didn't work the way we expected it to.

The brochure and Novasure website (Novasure is the type of procedure I'm going to have in addition to a D&C with polyp removal) speak of the procedure in glowing terms and make it sound like the procedure will be quick, painless, and will get rid of periods forever. If I'd stopped research with that I'd have, in my opinion, a very unrealistic expectation of this procedure.

So, from this point on I'm going to try to be more positive while still being realistic. The polyp removal will help and the ablation should, at the very least, lighten my periods which I'm hopeful for. I'm not sure how life will be post procedure so I don't know what to envision. I've lived with menorrhagia for around 12 years now, I won't know how to act if I don't have to rush to the bathroom every half hour or so during the first few days of my period.

I think it would be accurate to say that today I'm cautiously optimistic.

Just Thinking

I woke up with some odd thoughts this morning. I grew up knowing it was possible that I would have to have my uterus removed, I wonder how many women have this knowledge growing up. It seems to me that men don't live with the knowledge that at any time they could have their reproductive organs removed. Or maybe that's just my bias showing.

My gyno is a male, don't get me wrong he's great, but he cannot empathize with female issues. I told him yesterday that the thought of endometrial ablation is scary to me. He asked why it was scary, after all I'm done having children right? It's my uterus for Pete's sake! How else can I explain it than that? Perhaps if I suggested that he think about having terrible things done to his penis he might begin to get a clue? I know, apples and oranges.

Then I think, why am I so attached to my uterus? I talk often enough of being eager for menopause and the end of periods.

So back to the whole knowledge of the possibility of hysterectomy as I grew up. Mom had a hysterectomy shortly after the birth of my younger sister, I was around six when it happened, I think. Mom began menopause when I was a tween and she was a psychotic b*tch to live with.

My attachment to, and fear for, my uterus is multi-layered. I don't want to have the kind of menopausal experience my mother had. I fear for my sexual functioning, it's never been that good or consistent as it is. So, my goal is to keep it but I fear that I won't be able to. What if I keep developing polyps? What if the ablation doesn't work? What if? What if they have to remove the right ovary after all? More what ifs and I can't find enough good information online to put my what ifs to rest.

It's enough to make a person crazy I tell you. I feel cornered. I do have choices, I know that, I just feel cornered. I'd throw a full-blown screaming fit if I thought it'd help. I don't want to have surgery! Any surgery! That's why I feel cornered, because I have to have surgery. It's no longer optional. I was OK with it all when I felt like I had control over it all.

Master and I haven't really talked about it but I get the impression that his outlook is similar to my doctor's, it's inevitable so why be upset about it? What I wouldn't give for that outlook right now. I'm busily looking for loopholes and have myself halfway convinced that there's a way out.

Betrayed

That's how I feel you know, betrayed. By my own body no less. You get used to it doing certain things and when unexpected things start happening you feel all set adrift and such.

I went in for a test to rule out a certain condition and ended up scheduled for surgery in five weeks. How's that for a kick in the pants? I fear this is just the beginning, somehow I just don't trust my body to behave any longer.

Have I mentioned my all encompassing fear of surgery? Specifically, of anesthesia. Each time I'm convinced I won't wake up, something will go horribly wrong and poof, I'm gone. I hate the way I feel like I'm drowning when the anesthesia starts to take me under and then nothing until I wake again in blinding pain. I hate that loss of control, it scares the piddle out of me. I'm considering asking the doc for something to ease my nerves the night before and that day. But, I'm concerned that the doctor will think I'm drug seeking. *sigh*

I have to find some faith that this will all work out and that I'll be fine. Right now, I'm a little stuck in the catastrophic thinking. Just call me Chicken Little, it feels like the sky is falling and I don't have a bomb shelter.

Simple Pleasures

Snuggling with Master at night just before we fall asleep.
Clean sink drains.
Sharing laughter with Master.
Sharing good food with friends and family.
Reading a good book.
Watching a good movie.
Naps.
Sunny days.
Looking forward to going swimming in the summer.


Master sometimes teases me about being a simple person but really, I'd rather be simple. I can take pleasure in the smallest things, it doesn't take something huge to make me happy and that, to me, is wonderful stuff.

I see all these "rich" people in debt up to their eyeballs and they seem so miserable. They've got things out the wazoo but, that's all they have and I think that's a little bit sad. I'd rather be struggling financially but able to take pleasure in the feel of the sunshine on my skin than be "rich" with a big house and fancy car that I really can't afford and not being able to enjoy the simple pleasures because I'm too consumed with acquiring more things and struggling to pay for all of them. *shrug*

Yeah, I have health issues, so what? I have life and I'm going to enjoy it to the fullest.

Giving Up

One of the things M says he loves about me is that I don't give up, even when I'm down, I won't give up. I think he sees some indomitable spirit in me that most of the time I don't see myself. I'd LOVE to give up when I'm down, I want to give up, I even give it a lot of thought. I spend time looking for loopholes and ways out of whatever situation has got me down. Then I sit quietly for a while, within my mind, and rage at the unfairness of it all. Yep, that's me, I ask why me. WHY!?

It's not that I don't give up, I just can't, not fight. I'm stubborn, bull-headed is what my mother called me. It's been an asset and a hindrance all my life. It may make me seem strong, most times I don't feel strong, I'm just doing what has to be done because there's no other option. Maybe that is a strength. It does get me through the rough spots until I've got the time to fall apart.

But what happens when you continually put off falling apart until there's "time" to do it? What happens when you're just plain burned out and need to recharge but have to keep doing what's got to be done because there are no other options? Answer? You have mini-meltdowns, a certain song on the radio reduces you to silent sobbing as you drive to and from your destinations. For the two to three minutes that is the length of the song you let it all go and then suck it back inside as soon as the song ends. Any longer and you're unable to do your job, your assignments, anything.

Once upon a time I had a really big meltdown, I couldn't function for a period of a month or so. It was a slow road back from that and that period in my life acts as a sort of motivator to maintain control of myself. I guess that's the "final frontier" of submission for me, giving up my hard-won and kept self-control. I don't know if I'll ever achieve that, I know I'm not ready yet. I do it in small, controlled doses when Master and I play but the walls fall back into place shortly afterwards.

Maybe some would argue that I'm not a "true" slave because I maintain that self-control, maybe not. Master doesn't seem to mind it much, if he did he'd insist on a change. He's not the type to allow behavior from me that he doesn't like. I guess we're just right for each other. He needs my strength sometimes just like I need his.

It's just sometimes, sometimes I'd like to give up. I'd like the luxury of not having to keep going. But, I can't seem to not fight. Right now I'm looking for the loopholes, something I can live with, something that will give me a little breathing space, and all the while I keep on keeping on. I'm just tired today.