Betrayed

That's how I feel you know, betrayed. By my own body no less. You get used to it doing certain things and when unexpected things start happening you feel all set adrift and such.

I went in for a test to rule out a certain condition and ended up scheduled for surgery in five weeks. How's that for a kick in the pants? I fear this is just the beginning, somehow I just don't trust my body to behave any longer.

Have I mentioned my all encompassing fear of surgery? Specifically, of anesthesia. Each time I'm convinced I won't wake up, something will go horribly wrong and poof, I'm gone. I hate the way I feel like I'm drowning when the anesthesia starts to take me under and then nothing until I wake again in blinding pain. I hate that loss of control, it scares the piddle out of me. I'm considering asking the doc for something to ease my nerves the night before and that day. But, I'm concerned that the doctor will think I'm drug seeking. *sigh*

I have to find some faith that this will all work out and that I'll be fine. Right now, I'm a little stuck in the catastrophic thinking. Just call me Chicken Little, it feels like the sky is falling and I don't have a bomb shelter.