Just Thinking

I woke up with some odd thoughts this morning. I grew up knowing it was possible that I would have to have my uterus removed, I wonder how many women have this knowledge growing up. It seems to me that men don't live with the knowledge that at any time they could have their reproductive organs removed. Or maybe that's just my bias showing.

My gyno is a male, don't get me wrong he's great, but he cannot empathize with female issues. I told him yesterday that the thought of endometrial ablation is scary to me. He asked why it was scary, after all I'm done having children right? It's my uterus for Pete's sake! How else can I explain it than that? Perhaps if I suggested that he think about having terrible things done to his penis he might begin to get a clue? I know, apples and oranges.

Then I think, why am I so attached to my uterus? I talk often enough of being eager for menopause and the end of periods.

So back to the whole knowledge of the possibility of hysterectomy as I grew up. Mom had a hysterectomy shortly after the birth of my younger sister, I was around six when it happened, I think. Mom began menopause when I was a tween and she was a psychotic b*tch to live with.

My attachment to, and fear for, my uterus is multi-layered. I don't want to have the kind of menopausal experience my mother had. I fear for my sexual functioning, it's never been that good or consistent as it is. So, my goal is to keep it but I fear that I won't be able to. What if I keep developing polyps? What if the ablation doesn't work? What if? What if they have to remove the right ovary after all? More what ifs and I can't find enough good information online to put my what ifs to rest.

It's enough to make a person crazy I tell you. I feel cornered. I do have choices, I know that, I just feel cornered. I'd throw a full-blown screaming fit if I thought it'd help. I don't want to have surgery! Any surgery! That's why I feel cornered, because I have to have surgery. It's no longer optional. I was OK with it all when I felt like I had control over it all.

Master and I haven't really talked about it but I get the impression that his outlook is similar to my doctor's, it's inevitable so why be upset about it? What I wouldn't give for that outlook right now. I'm busily looking for loopholes and have myself halfway convinced that there's a way out.