Giving Up

One of the things M says he loves about me is that I don't give up, even when I'm down, I won't give up. I think he sees some indomitable spirit in me that most of the time I don't see myself. I'd LOVE to give up when I'm down, I want to give up, I even give it a lot of thought. I spend time looking for loopholes and ways out of whatever situation has got me down. Then I sit quietly for a while, within my mind, and rage at the unfairness of it all. Yep, that's me, I ask why me. WHY!?

It's not that I don't give up, I just can't, not fight. I'm stubborn, bull-headed is what my mother called me. It's been an asset and a hindrance all my life. It may make me seem strong, most times I don't feel strong, I'm just doing what has to be done because there's no other option. Maybe that is a strength. It does get me through the rough spots until I've got the time to fall apart.

But what happens when you continually put off falling apart until there's "time" to do it? What happens when you're just plain burned out and need to recharge but have to keep doing what's got to be done because there are no other options? Answer? You have mini-meltdowns, a certain song on the radio reduces you to silent sobbing as you drive to and from your destinations. For the two to three minutes that is the length of the song you let it all go and then suck it back inside as soon as the song ends. Any longer and you're unable to do your job, your assignments, anything.

Once upon a time I had a really big meltdown, I couldn't function for a period of a month or so. It was a slow road back from that and that period in my life acts as a sort of motivator to maintain control of myself. I guess that's the "final frontier" of submission for me, giving up my hard-won and kept self-control. I don't know if I'll ever achieve that, I know I'm not ready yet. I do it in small, controlled doses when Master and I play but the walls fall back into place shortly afterwards.

Maybe some would argue that I'm not a "true" slave because I maintain that self-control, maybe not. Master doesn't seem to mind it much, if he did he'd insist on a change. He's not the type to allow behavior from me that he doesn't like. I guess we're just right for each other. He needs my strength sometimes just like I need his.

It's just sometimes, sometimes I'd like to give up. I'd like the luxury of not having to keep going. But, I can't seem to not fight. Right now I'm looking for the loopholes, something I can live with, something that will give me a little breathing space, and all the while I keep on keeping on. I'm just tired today.