The Beast

Disclaimer: This is not an attack against anyone's point of view or preferences, nor is this a recommendation to try this type of "play". This is just my point of view borne from my own experiences and introspection.

I'd wanted to write a sort of essay about this subject though there aren't that many resources to pull from. Just my personal experience and rememberance of an article I read a year or so ago that I can no longer find.

When I talk about The Beast, which is a term I first saw coined by a dominant (whose article I can no longer find online) who was writing about the deepest darkest part of his sadism, I am talking about that part of Master that he keeps locked tightly in a cage lest it get out and wreak havoc on our lives. I have jokingly called it his inner serial killer but it's no joke, it is that part of him that can maim and kill without a second thought. And, for some reason, it's the part of him I like to rub up against from time to time.

I have something in me that is like the other side of that coin but that I have no word for. Not victim, a victim doesn't give consent. Perhaps prey is the closest I can come to describing the part in me that answers the call of his Beast. Though I realize that prey doesn't exactly give consent either, it's the best word I've got for now.

The other day swan mentioned that the Beast is something she and her Master don't like to see very often, which got me to thinking about my own situation and perceptions. I'll say that I'm not ready to entertain the Beast very often, nor is Master willing to let me too near the cage either. He doesn't like the emptiness he feels and fears for my safety I think. I also have a healthy enough sense of self-preservation that I don't like to tempt fate too often. Perhaps this sense of self-preservation is a type of fear? However, as I've already said, there is something in me that needs that sort of interaction every once in a great while. It's draining for both of us, physically and emotionally. For Master he has to let go, sort of divorce himself from his emotions; go empty. For me, I have to hang on and remember things said during that time aren't meant, they're all part of the moment, the experience. I won't lie, feelings have gotten hurt in the past. We've dealt with those hurt feelings and moved on.

But, I don't fear The Beast because I trust Master implicitly. I trust that he has enough self-control that he won't go too far, I trust in his love for me and that he can't completely divorce himself from those emotions. Some might say I trust too much, that too much is left to chance, but if it weren't I wonder if the encounter would be enough to satisfy my inner prey.

When we do this dance, the dance of Beast and prey, it isn't about pleasure, definitely not my pleasure. It's a need in me that has to be fulfilled, a need to be totally debased, used, degraded even, and yes, physically hurt. In that moment I don't want him to be careful of me, attending to my wants, my pleasures, I want him to sate his inner sadist's lust, to slake his thirst with my body, which is what he does.

I don't expect anyone to understand this. It's definitely not a death wish, nor a sense of “I deserve this”. It's just another facet of who I am, perhaps it's a part of my masochism. I honestly don't know.

What I do know is that to thrive I need those occasional encounters. I need to be so caught up in the moment that there is no room for other thoughts, I need to be used so thoroughly that I ache for days afterwards, I need to be able to fight back without fear of reprisals. In the Beast I find all that, and afterwards, when the Beast is sated and I can see that the Master I know and love is definitely alive and well behind those so brown eyes, I'm wrapped in arms of love and comfort. We comfort each other then, help each other come back to ourselves, tend each other's wounds, and clean each other up. Then we spend the rest of the day/evening cuddling and just being together. This is the balance.

It's not for everyone, it's certainly not safe, and it's not something I recommend without a lot of safety nets and self-control. But it is part of my relationship with Master it's a part of who we are as individuals and as a couple. We've found acceptance of those parts of ourselves in each other.

Without a doubt, this is edge play in the extreme and I don't recommend it to anyone. There is a higher risk of things going wrong than with things going right. However, for Master and I, the benefits right now outweigh the risks.

All is Right With the World

I treated myself to a three-day-weekend this past weekend. I decided near the middle of the week last week that I just needed some time off and three days in a row sounded just about right. I'm sure I'll crash a bit tomorrow, sort of a post-vacation let down, when I go back to work but it was worth it.

It all started Friday with a short e-mail to Master. "I want to bleed, I want to bleed you, I want to share blood." We haven't done it in such a long time and right at the moment I wrote that e-mail I was craving it. I know, it's squicky to a lot of people but to me it's the deepest, most intense experience I can share with him. The first time we did it I felt as if we'd formed a deeper bond together, it almost felt, mystical, spiritual.

When he came home from work I told him he had some e-mails he should probably read. Sneaky me? Yeah. He read my e-mail and then went upstairs to shower. One minute I was lying on my belly in the center of the bed reading, the next minute I was being pulled up by my hair with him growling "So... you want to bleed do you?" Talk about instant arousal. I don't know how he did it, he went from happy-to-see-his-wife-after-work mode to sadist in no time at all. I'd love to share all the details but honestly, they're a bit fuzzy. I remember at one point I was kneeling and sucking his cock, deep, deep in my throat having my air cut off... then I was left bending over the bed while he set things up that he wanted. Music, knife.. that sort of stuff. He cut me then, across my back and my bottom. Deep cuts that with a few slaps, bled well. I felt him wipe the blood off my back with his finger and though I didn't see him, I know he licked them clean of my blood. There was some very nice spanking in between all that as well.

He had me kneel then as he sat on the bed and cut his shoulder for me, two little lines, deep enough that in moments blood was welling up to the surface. I just knelt there, my mouth hanging open, my eyes hooded, and my thoughts fuzzy. I knelt up and kept inching closer, amazed, watching the intent expression on his face as he bled himself for me. I fed then, at his shoulder.. lapping up the salty, metallic, fluid. Sucking at his flesh, moaning low in my throat, and reaching down to stroke him. When I'd had my fill he laid towels on the bed and had me lie down... sex toys were used and orgasms were had. I later told him that was the best part of my whole weekend and it was. It was some much needed SM, bonding, and forbidden afternoon sex, that we've both been missing sorely and it's also something we only get to do once in a great while right now.

The rest of the weekend was busy, we did grocery shopping, cooked dinner together, checked out the new Wal-Mart on our side of town, got a jump on buying HRS's school supplies, swam, and went to the library. Master did something very special for me today. He went swimming with us. He usually doesn't like to swim, he's uncomfortable in crowds, and is somewhat body conscious. It was so nice having him there and we all had such a good time together. I've become more focused on exercise lately and I want to do it, but I don't want to do it at the expense of my time with Master. So, I'm thrilled that he joined us today. He even enjoyed himself and admitted that it had felt good to get some exercise. Of course, he did forget to put on sunscreen and is now just a teeny bit pink. Good thing we didn't stay out there too long 'else he'd be a hurting unit. I think mostly I'm just happy we got to have today together.

Since ZBoy has moved out I've become keenly aware of how precious my time with the kids is and how short a time we have left in this stage of our relationships. I want to soak it all up, make as many good memories as possible, and just be happy together.

To finish the day Master gave me a spanking and great sex before bed, well, before he went to bed that is. Which is where I should be.

Love Fest

I'm still blown away by Master's ability to share me with M. I'm just absolutely amazed by him. He loves me so much and is genuinely happy when I get to spend time with M. Yesterday I was humbled by it. I'd gotten to spend a couple of hours alone with M, the first I'd had with him in nearly a year.

I sent Master a detailed e-mail about the day before I left for work and when I got home he told me how happy for me he was that I'd had such a good day. I could hear the happiness in his voice, see it in his eyes, and I could feel the love radiating from him. He was truly pleased for me. I'm awed by this man, truly. How could he ever wonder why I love him? Sometimes I don't feel worthy of him, like I don't deserve him.

He's a special man and I'm thankful he sees something in me that's worthy of loving and keeping.

Run By Updating

I guess I disappeared there for a bit again eh? Well, what can I say? I'm rarely here long enough to write much of anything. If I'm not at school or at work, I'm at the pool with HRS. If she had her way we'd be at the pool all day long, every day.

I'm growing more and more dissatisfied with my job and find myself chomping at the bit for something new, something where I'm not the verbal punching bag for ignorant strangers who don't have the capacity to read and understand a simple order form and choose to take it out on me and blame the company for their ignorance. My tolerance level for these people is at about a -6 and one of these days I'm going to say what I'm really thinking. Hopefully I'll have another job lined up before then. *chuckles*

The summer term is winding down and I'm anxious for the fall term to begin so I can get to the finish line. I'm tired of being a student for now. I need a rest.

I'm doing OK on the diet front, though I gained a half a pound in the past week and I'm wondering if it was the two trips out to eat that we made this week that did it. Either way, I'm not beaten. My clothes are all loose fitting and I'm driven to get into smaller sizes. I actually got into a 22 last night, it was just a wee bit snug and didn't look good at all. Could have been the style, whatever, I'll keep looking elsewhere. I didn't feel the usual upset over the clothes not fitting just right that I've felt in the past. That, in itself, is a major victory. I know that until I get to whatever my ending weight will be, I'm going to be between sizes more often than not and that's OK.

We're going to visit with the Tribe for the day today and I'm really excited. We haven't gotten to spend much time with them in quite a while. Life has just been WAY too busy. I'm hoping Master and I might get to sneak a little S&M in while we're there too. I'd be satisfied with just lying over his lap and receiving a leisurely spanking, I'm not greedy. I just need that physical connection with him, the give and take, and the energy we build together.

Really Doing It

You know, I've talked a big talk in the past about getting healthier. I've even made half-hearted attempts. And yes, over the past 8 years or so I had lost about 25 pounds. BUT, in the past month or so I've lost about 11 pounds. I just lost three of those pounds over the last week. I'm proud of myself for staying motivated and sticking to it. I can see visible results now, not only the numbers on the scale but in my jawline and my chin. Things are becoming less rounded and more defined and it's exciting. It's almost like watching a painting or a sculpture take form, I can't wait to see what the finished product will look like.

Master says he's noticing the changes too and it feels so good to hear that, to know that I'm not imagining things with too much wishful thinking.

The key to these results? Exercise. Who'd've thought it eh? I've been getting out and swimming for a half hour as often as I can. The only downside to losing weight? My clothes are getting loose and I think I'm between sizes so buying new clothes just isn't an option yet.

After years of wanting to be thinner, healthier, etc., I've finally found the right mindset for it. I finally want to do it and I want to do it for me. I want to FEEL better, I want to have more energy, I want to have less pain, and I want to be able to serve Master better.

I'm really proud of myself for actually doing it this time, for sticking to it, and for continuing to make the effort.