Catharsis

I got it in spades last night. I asked for it and got it. What I asked for was heavy SM play, I wanted to play with the Sadist. I didn't really know it was catharsis I needed or wanted until it happened.

Sometimes Master and I will play and spar together, we "box". Last night he decided he wanted to do that instead of what we'd originally decided to do. But I couldn't, I simply couldn't fight back no matter how hard he hit me. Note to self: being punched in the jaw kinda hurts a lot. At one point he had me backed against a wall choking me and my legs just gave out, I ended up sliding down the wall, him with me, til we were both kneeling on the floor. It was at that point he understood that I couldn't fight back despite his order for me to do so.

He changed tack and decided to beat me instead. He had me lean against the cross and just laid into me. No warm up at all. I don't know how I stood there and kept taking it. I really don't. I kept begging over and over "please, please, please, please stop", knowing he wouldn't stop, not really wanting him to stop. He used the wooden paddle and I ended up cowering on the floor wrapped around one leg of the cross. I was lost in such a deep submissive mindset, I couldn't not do what he wanted. He wanted to beat me and I had to take it, wanted to, needed to. So I stood up again and took my place against the cross once more. He doesn't like to bind me, usually I've got some fight in me and he likes the possibility that I may turn on him.

For me the beating seemed to last forever, I cried the entire time.. just cried myself out. When he was finished with me I curled into a little ball on the couch next to him and just laid there. At peace, finally. It was a blessing. I don't know how long it will last. I didn't have the "happy, goofy, endorphin rush" after like I normally have. I was just empty and at peace. I spent today just recovering, I'm just a wee bit bruised, and the body has its limitations and needs some rest after such rigorous use. It's a price I happily pay for the opportunity to serve as masochist to his Sadist and for occasional catharsis.

Thank you Master.