How do you react?

How do you react when your owner expects something of you that you are not prepared to give? Is that the way you want to respond, and is that the way your owner wants you to respond?

 It depends on what he wants.  Generally I need time to wrap my mind around what he's asked for.  For instance, my Sir expects me to accept that he has a girlfriend whom he is in love with. My reaction has been a half-assed acceptance colored with fear and distrust of her and not a little jealousy.

It isn't how I wanted to respond.  I want to be openly accepting and happy for them both. I want to see her as a good addition to Sir's life.

He expects me to respond with respect. He also expects me to respond gracefully and with open acceptance.

Progress

Sir and I had a very productive conversation tonight.  I'm feeling more positive about our relationship than I have in a long time.  I'm hopeful that we will have resolved our differences by Xmas.

Live in the now, not the way you think it should have gone. I've been acting like Sir's girlfriend instead of like his sub, which is what I am.  I've never been his girlfriend and it's high time I make peace with that.  I've been devaluing myself and my position.  As if being his submissive is less than.  I am the one and only submissive he's had.  That is pretty important.  It's a unique place in his life and it's mine.

I'm not "just" anything.  I'm his submissive.

I need to value myself for that and more. 

Her

He's going to see her, his girlfriend.  Yet he won't see me.  Jealous?  Yes.  Lonely too.  He doesn't understand that I need him too.  It's not fair.  No kidding, I know life isn't fair.  But he's my dominant, my only dominant and he won't see me and I can't ask because that's pushing.

I'm supposed to take care of myself and fulfill myself. Indefinitely I guess. He won't say for how long. He probably doesn't know.

It's a decision he made after having had enough of me, my moods, and my constant arguing.  We have to work on our relationship before we see each other again.  So I'm lonely. I'm jealous of her. Of the time she gets with him as his girlfriend. I'm secondary to her and his wife.  I'm his submissive.  No more no less. I'm supposed to be fun.

I feel like a doll on a shelf when he says certain things. Sometimes I think I should find another dominant who wants all of me, not just the fun bits.  Maybe I'm being unfair. I'm just not sure who I'm being unfair to.

She's Back

I'm trying to make a comeback to the blogging world.  I miss it and it was good for me.

So much has happened since the last time I was here.  We're not going to try to play catch up.  I'll just pick up where I am now.

I miss my girlfriend.  I won't get to see her in December.  Money and distance are constant issues. 

I miss my Sir, I haven't seen him for about three weeks and I don't know when I'll see him again.  It's in his hands not mine.  That drives me mad, I have no control in this. I can only control myself and try to focus on myself instead.  My behavior is all I can really control.

I miss having my husband as my full-time dominant.

Life is good, there are just a few challenges and opportunities for growth.

Three Little Words.

So I overreacted to M's phone silence. All is well and things between the three of us are going really well. She told us lst weekend that she loves us. I felt so overjoyed to finally be able to tell her I love her. I'd been waiting for her to be ready to not only say it but to hear it. I felt complete when A told her he loved her.

 We went to a picnic put on by our kinky group and had lots of fun. I got to take pup Freki for a run/walk and it was really fun. I never knew I'd enjoy pet play like iI do but I love my pup. He's a good pup and the affection we share is just so yummy. We played a little bit with a guy at the picnic that A ordered me to go say hello to because I'd been drooling over him. I think I found a new playmate. He gives amazing reactions.

On Friday a longtime kinky friend of mine confessed that she would do anything for me. I feel overwhelmed by the level of devotion she expressed. I don't feel like I've earned it, maybe I don't feel worthy of it. I feel as though she's courting me as a submissive to a dominant. It's flattering and she is a very sweet girl and kinda cute too. But is there enough of me to go around?  Can I sustain another relationship? Especially since we're only a few short months into our relationship with M? L would be mine alone more than likely, if I went with whatever is possibly happening.

At the same time I'm being courted as a dominant in my own right, I'm feeling more submissive toward A. I want to be a better submissive to him. I crave to serve him better and with less sass or hesitation.

Oy vey! When it rains it pours and I've never felt so much more like my genuine self.

What is going on?

I'm sitting here confused. In the last two weeks she has gradually stopped being as responsive to my texts. She no longer texts asking for permission to call. In the last week she has responded to maybe two of my texts. None of them in the last three days. She's not talking to Alan either. Why?

If she's lost interest or has decided we're not a good fit I would understand that. But please give me the courtesy of telling me. I would give the same courtesy to you.

But maybe I'm overreacting and jumping to conclusions. It's easy to do when you're left wondering.

I thought we'd found someone who would become part of our family. I hoped that would be the case. She told us that's what she wanted.

I'm trying to keep the faith but I'm beginning to pull back a bit and wrapping a bit of armor around my heart. I want to trust but it is difficult.

We'll see how things go this coming week. We need to talk about the relationship to be sure we're all on the same page. If we are then we must discuss expectations on all sides.

Selfish?

We spent a fabulous weekend with our girlfriend and it really was fabulous. I didn't have any twinges of jealousy. Honestly, it was really great to see Alan and her get to connect.  There were a couple of times where I felt a little like a third wheel and maybe we should all have individual time together as couples too. But I didn't feel negative or jealous about any of that. 

 The thing I did have a problem with was during playtime Saturday night. The energy between the three of us was intense. She and I are evil sprites  and work well together as a giggly sadistic team. Oh did we have fun playing with Alan and each other. But then I ended up getting very aroused and didn't get any sexual follow up like I'm used to. I

was so turned on that I'm certain I could have orgasmed, easily for a change. I guess I'm angry about the missed opportunity. I understand why he didn't want to. It would have been unfair to her since her husband is not okay with her having sex with Alan. I agree but it's unfair to me to be denied sex and sexual satisfaction.

 We are going to have to discuss this because I can't keep going like this. I haven't orgasmed for a few months and to have missed that opportunity is a big deal for my sex life.

 I feel like a selfish jerk because I'm making an issue of it and insisting on my pleasure. But I don't think I should have to suppress my needs either. I'm frustrated with this one thing.

Nervous, excited, and scared

Today we travel to see our girlfriend and meet her husband for the weekend. I am so excited and nervous. I'm also feeling insecure and maybe a little jealous.

 It seems like they talk on the phone and text more often than she and I do. sometimes it feels like she's more interested in,attached to, and attracted to him than she is to me.  It's irrational and illogical. Our relationships with each other are going to be different right?

 Then I catch little snippets of their texts or conversations and he's saying silly lovey dovey things to her that I wish he'd say to me. Like ending a conversation with "hugs kisses and bites" I know it's NRE, I'm saying the same things. We're all twitterpated. But I feel a little jealous of her receiving that kind of attention from him and vice versa. I wonder, where's mine?

 I think he fits in with more of her fantasies and fetishes than I do. What role do I play in her life? What needs does she have that I can meet? How do I share my position as his submissive with her? Will she replace me? Will he replace me?

 I am afraid of being left out. I'm afraid of being replaced in both of their lives by each of them. I really care about her and I love him I don't want to lose any of that. I want to be important to both of them. I want to be valued by them. I want to be loved by them.

 I don't know if I could just be friends with her if they decided that they wanted to be a twosome instead of our threesome.

 I know I need to focus on the things I can control (myself), the things I have, and the good stuff I'm feeling.

That's where I'm at today. Nervous, excited, and scared.

Re-Introduction

Hi, I'm Joy and I'm a bi, poly, submissive, dominant, pup handler, slut.  On Fet I identify my role and sexual orientation as "fluctuating/evolving".  That really sums me up.

A lot has changed in the three years I've been absent from here.  I thought for sure my blog had been deleted due to the many year hiatus.

M is my lover, my Sir, and my friend we just cannot stay away from each other.  We share a love that is intense and one that seems to keep us coming back together.  We're a much stronger couple now than we were.  Alan is my dominant, husband, and lover.  He found his dominant muchiness again and can't seem to help himself dominating the heck out of me.  I am his collared submissive, which came as a surprise to me a few days after MIM 2014.  Alan and I have a new partner we just met three months ago.  She's amazing and the NRE is plentiful. I love the smiles she puts on Alan's face.  He's smitten and even feels love for her.  I adore her, I'm a little slower to profess love until I get to know her more. 

She just fell into our laps and on our first meeting we "zinged".  I'm just blown away that Alan now identifies as poly and found another person he can love. He used to identify as strictly monogamous.  It makes me happy to see him happy and exploring something new.  I LOVE that we share a partner, I'm feeling like he and I are closer as a result.  We've found our physical affection and almost constantly touch each other.  If you told me a year ago that not only would Alan and I be a stronger D/s couple but that the third we'd always talked about would just walk into our lives totally out of the blue, I'd have expressed some serious doubts.

SO.  I'm back.  I'm still me but I'm a different me.  I'm a much more whole me.  Mentally healthier and stronger.  Finally, Joy.  Much more muchier.

I'm here to write for myself.  To work out my crap for myself so I can be a stronger partner for my loves.  I can't believe I have three partners!!  Three people who love and/or care about me. Three people I get to love and care for. I can't believe the abundance in my life

You'll be hearing more from me in the days, weeks, and months to come.