Underestimations

Well, I've learned a valuable lesson tonight. Sick Masters can still spank very, very hard.

I'm sitting here on one sore tushie. Well, half a sore tushie. I've been in a general foul mood today and Master made the observation that when I get into moods like this it's because I need some pain because my mood drastically improves afterwards.

Pain is often catharitc for me and is a release for the emotional build-up. And yes, as a masochist I need pain play to be a happy slave. I'm just too stubborn or something to ask for it when I need it. Part of that is due in large part to not wanting to be selfish. I know he can't read my mind and if I have needs I should tell him and let him decide if they should be taken care of. I just can't make myself ask him for anything very often.

So tonight, noticing my snarky mood he waits til the kids are good and asleep then takes me upstairs and orders me to undress. I'm in a very playful/sarcastic headspace and am joking a bit. He started gently enough, scratching my backside and such.. then he started spanking hard. His goal was to bring me to tears. It wasn't for my pleasure at all, it was his pleasure and my attitude adjustment. All I could do was endure it.. yelling my pain into the blankets on the bed and doing my best to stay in one place.

As he continued to spank, focusing only on one cheek and stopping to let my skin desensitize a little every so often, he built up the intensity. I wasn't always able to stay in one place and ended up on the floor at one point. I was unceremoniously picked up and put back onto the bed. A few strokes later he stopped and walked around the bed. All I could think was "What's he going to use now?!" and laid there shivering. I jumped when he began rubbing lotion into my tender behind.

Then he stripped and laid on the bed, that was my cue to pleasure him. I like doing that, I like making him feel good.

So now here I am feeling content and thinking about re-reading the first in the Beauty series.

In sickness and...

Master is sick today, he's got influenza and possibly bronchitis. The doctor told him if he'd had a flu shot he would only feel like he had a cold right now.

I can't help but say "I told you so" because I suggested several times that he should get one. I get one every year, thanks to asthma it's a necessity and this year I'm very thankful I do. I'm betting that next year he'll go right along with me to get a flu shot for himself.

I've been working extra hard to help him feel comfortable and to take care of him. After seeing the condition he was in this morning I shifted into "mom" mode and asked him "Will you be needing a shower before you go to the doctor?" He wouldn't have gone had I not insisted. He doesn't take good care of himself, that's where I come in. I make sure he's taken care of, it's my job.

I need to recharge my batteries now else I'll be cranky when he wakes from his nap.

Control

Argh! I just typed up an entry and goofed somehow when I published it and ended up publishing a blank entry. *sigh*

Okay, I was talking about an article I read that was written by Vibs West In the article she talks about resentment over little controls like being told what noodle to put in a pasta salad not really being about the noodles but about control.

I can see this in my own life. Whenever I am bristling about things like the dishes being put away wrong or what have you, it's a control for me. I want things done my way. Why is that? What do I get out of keeping little controls like this?

I'm certainly not holding onto my independence, I'm as dependent on him as a body can be and still function on their own. I think I'm just being stubborn, holding onto the old ways because I'm afraid of what the new will be like. Fear has always been a driving force in my life. Self-protection out of fear of being hurt, control everything out of fear of the unknown.
kharita pointed out that enslavement is a journey, you nailed that one on the head. It is most definitely a journey and a process and I am thankful that Master doesn't expect perfection. He only expects that I do my best and that I learn. That, I can handle.

So here we are

It's nearly Christmas, my first as his slave. I don't wear his physical collar yet, but that will change soon.

He's given the go ahead to begin planning our collaring ceremony. I'm so exited that it's all I can think about when I lay down to sleep at night. We haven't set a date yet for the ceremony, he wants to get the collar first, but he says it is his first priority after the first of the year.

He asked me if, after being collared by him, I will finally realize that he's not going anywhere and that he's not looking to bigger and better deal me.
That's a major failing of mine, trusting that anyone who loves me really does love me. You'd think after 17 years of being with him as his girlfriend and then wife, and now slave, that I would feel secure. I know he thinks I should be. And he's right, I should. Yet there's this tiny little part of me that cringes in expectation of being kicked.

He hasn't given me reason to feel this way, it's deep rooted from my early childhood. Something I need to let go of once and for all. I remember something I heard in a movie once... "Childhood is something you spend the rest of your life recovering from". Or something like that. In a lot of ways that's true for me.

12-25-03 Merry Christmas
It's Christmas today. The oldest kids are playing with their new Gameboys, I want one! The youngest is lying on the couch drifting in and out of fever induced sleep.

Our youngest is sick today so no family will be coming over as was originally planned. My sister has four kids that she really doesn't want exposed to this whatever it is. I don't blame her, her youngest just got over an illness.
Still, I wish they could come visit. I love my sister and her kids and I love to see them.

I had a fit of anger when Master interrupted my nap to put the turkey in the oven. My only excuse is that I was tired and I'm not feeling well myself. But, they're just that, excuses. I want to go to him and beg forgiveness.

It's nothing more than pure selfishness behind my anger. I was angry because my nap was interrupted. I'm still learning that even my sleep, or lack therof, is his.

It's hard, serving so completely.

I was embarrassed and proud last night, we were at Master's sister's house for Christmas Eve. He told me to fix him a plate of food and his mother piped up with "Who's gonna be your slave tomorrow?" in jest. He responded with "Her, she's my slave every day." I don't know if they thought he was kidding or not, I was at the sink washing my hands when the conversation transpired and I stayed facing the sink so no one could see my blushes and silly grin. I served him the rest of the night as I always do and no one said another word about it.

It felt good to have him be so honest about our relationship. To know that he's proud of what we are and what we do.

Merry Christmas to everyone everywhere.

Feelings of slavery

It's hard to admit to oneself sometimes, how deep one's feelings run.
Were I able I would live forever as his 24/7 at home slave. Is it because I'm lazy? I don't think so. I think it's because I love to serve him and I love him. There have been times in the past when I didn't mind at all being apart from him. I didn't miss him like I do now.
It feels like the bond between us has grown so deep as to be almost physical. He is always in my thoughts, ever present in my mind. I belong to him no matter where I am or what I'm doing. Nothing I do is done without asking his permission first.
I'm always told how much he loves me by others, I wonder if they tell him how much I love him. I'm not the most physically or vocally demonstrative person in the world. Is it not in my eyes when I look at him or when I talk about him?
I wonder.
A couple of months ago he and I looked at permanent collars, we are leaning towards Eternity collars at http://www.eternitycollars.com/secure/secure_frame.htm They scared me at first. I can bear having something locked around a wrist or an ankle but around my neck? I can't tell you why it scared me so but it did. I balked and suggested a bracelet instead, claiming that the neck ring might be uncomfortable to sleep in. Now, today, I crave it. I want that permanent reminder of his ownership around my neck. I don't want it on my wrist or my ankle. My neck seems to me to be the proper place for a symbol of ownership. A wolf offers it's throat in submission to the pack alpha, so too do I offer my throat, my neck to my Master.
It seems dramatic I know, but, that's me.
I'm craving to be collared by him even though mentally I already wear his collar. I want a formal ceremony followed by a reception of sorts to be shared with friends who will understand the symbolism and importance of it all. I'm like any other girl, I want the fairytale. Only my fairytale is a bit darker and more twisted than the mainstream. *chuckling*

It's all in the mind

So, here we are... a few months into my coming to terms with the reality of our situations. That was cryptic huh?
It's been a couple of months or there abouts, since I finally came face to face with the reality that everyone but me saw. That Mark is and can only be a secondary Dominant to me and that it's Alan I answer to first and foremost.
Somewhere along the way I'd lost sight of that.
I realized last night just how completely I have accepted the way things are. I feel my slavery to Alan, and while I feel like I belong to Mark, I'm not enslaved to him. There's a major distinction there that I'd never really noticed before.
Last night I was talking with Mark and we were joking about him being out of touch with me and he said "I know, I'm a really bad Master." It was when he said those words that I had an aha moment and the distinction became clear to me. A little voice inside my head said "No, Alan's my Master." I'm sure a few people who know me will chuckle and say "Well it's about time you realized that." Or something along those lines.
I've grown a lot closer to Alan over the last few months, he's gotten further into my mind with me standing there holding the door open for him. He mindf**ked me this weekend, good grief he likes mindf**ks. The roller coaster of emotions I experienced was intense... I nearly cried with relief when I found out that it had all been a mindf**k because right up to that moment I'd been a bundle of nerves. Then came disappointment because I realized I really did want to do the thing that he'd been pretending he was going to make me do. It's funny how these things work.
I'm thinking of it as a test run, the next time I won't have to be so nervous. He'll be there with me the whole time.
I wonder if other slaves feel as close to their Masters and if they feel the absences as keenly as I do? Or maybe I'm just a drama queen and I'm making it worse than it really is. Only one way to know for sure, ask other slaves. *chuckles*
That's the beauty of the internet, I can talk to likeminded people whenever I need to.
The holidays are nearly here and I've begun to ask myself just what the heck I was thinking. I've decided to host X-mas day dinner here and I took a commission to do 16 glassware pieces. Where was my brain on either of those days?
I'm definitely going to need a vacation after the holidays.